Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

The most commonly asked question from twins who visit me online or in person goes something like this: “My twin and I have not spoken to each other in years because we cannot agree on how to get along. Our parents and siblings and friends want us to get along. But my twin triggers deep anger and resentment in me. Sometimes just hearing her voice sets me into a downward spiral of anger at her and self hatred at myself for not being able to get along with her.”
    In my personal and professional experiences twin fighting is normal, expectable, and understandable. Fighting becomes more painful and frustrating as twins get older and cannot resolve their differences of opinion. Older twins often come to accept their distance and estrangement, but accepting that you can’t get along is always painful.
    In most situations twin fighting is based on limited or inadequate parenting, which might include:
    1.  Treating twins as a unit, as if they are joined at the hip.
    2.  Polarizing twins into “bad” and “good” in an attempt to treat them differently.
    3.  Not providing enough opportunities for individual development.
    4.  Expecting twins to “parent” one another due to parental indifference.

Stopping the fighting between twins begins in the crib and continues on to the end of time in some situations where estrangement develops. Managing fighting is very hard to do because of the intensity involved between the twin pair. While outsiders to the relationship just want the fighting to stop, the reality and depth of anger or neediness is so intense that it can be impossible to stop. Often, fighting is based on experiences of the twin sister or brother being abusive emotionally or physically. Sometimes abuse based on competition is apparent. After listening to so much twin fighting, I have thought that there needs to be a twin court to resolve the serious disputes between twins. But I know in reality that twins need to make their own decisions about when they have had enough of their twin’s humiliation and unkind or hurtful behavior.
    Strategies that I have found effective to reduce the intensity of anger include:
    1.  Accepting that all twins fight.
    2.  Understanding why you are fighting and trying to eliminate triggers by not “going over them” with your twin. (“Going over things” is also known as perseveration. Let it go.)
    3.  Estrangement between twins is common and has different outcomes depending of the health of each twin.
    4.  It is better not to fight and avoid one another than to continually go over and over the anger you have at each other.
    5.  Get distance from your twin and reflect on what you need and want that is different than your sister or brother.
    6.  Seek out the support of a psychotherapist.
    7.  Become educated in the knowledge of twin development.
    8.  Make friends who are twins and share your problems with them.
    
In conclusion, there is no shame in not being able to get along with your twin. Lots of twins don’t get along. Keeping your problems with your twin a secret will surely make your problems more manageable.

Mac and Madi are identical twins who do everything together. Everything! But, life is about to change. Mac is a tennis prodigy while Madi loves to score goals on the soccer field. Faced with some tough decisions, Mac and Madi agree to go their separate ways and focus on their respective sports. But will the choice to do things differently make or break their seemingly unbreakable bond?

available on Amazon and https://www.lherron.com/

Rules for Decorum and Strategies to Enjoy Yourself
 
    Family holidays are hard for everyone because of the extra work involved from planning to cooking, cleaning and travel. Expectations for harmony and good feelings about family members is  complicated and understated, but always a criteria for a good dinner or event. In my own experiences wanting to get along at this time of the year with family and extended family can often be an impossible goal.
    Families with twins have even more problems just enjoying themselves. Favoritism can be played out in very difficult and hurtful ways. Who is the twin who will host the party? Who won’t come because of anger at parents and their twin? I hear or I am bombarded with the same twin concerns over and over again: “My children can’t get along with your children because you are a bad mother or father. My husband or wife cannot bear to be with you again. We will not be joining you. Why can’t you and your sister get along? Why does my twin treat me as if I am invisible?”
    I could go on about these endless and seriously intense conflicts that are unfortunately very common in twin extended families. Unhappiness is always a side effect. Resentment and anger between twins from earlier life experiences come alive again as if they happened yesterday, not twenty years ago. Adult coping strategies can go out the window and be replaced by five year old (preschool) behavior. Parents can be demanding that twins get along and help one another, which creates more pressure. Grandparents often say: “You are old enough to get along.” Or, “Just get along for us.”
    In my own childhood experiences the holiday season was always unhappy. No matter how we tried to arrange the festivities there was always fighting and chaos. The food was awful. Mother was hysterical. Father was angry. And Marjorie refused to eat. Everyone left unhappy. After many years of anger and disappointment I am relieved to spend my holiday with my own children and my married family. I am no longer sad that we couldn’t work out our differences. The ugly behavior that was manifested was unbearable and intolerable. And I am sure that I am not alone in my actions and  reactions of trying to get along with my sister at a family party. Being center stage as a twin is harder as you get older, not easier. As an adult you know what others are thinking and saying about you and that they can never understand your pain. You feel lonely and misunderstood. It does not help to improve your relationship with your twin. So why do it?
    Here are some approaches if you have not reached the end of your rope like I have.
 
Rules of Decorum
    1.  Talk to your twin about problems that could arise before a family event.
    2.  Send an email confirming that you have spoken and agreed to certain rules. For example, talking about the past or trying to prove your point is not acceptable.
    3.  Do not bring up questions that provoke comparison and competition and uncomfortable feelings, such as, “Why did Genevieve's daughter drop out of school?
    “Have you noticed how much weight your sister has gained?”
    “Where are you going on vacation? We are off to the Hawaiian Islands.”

Strategies for Getting Along
1.  Follow the rules of decorum.
2.  Bring something to share that you are grateful for.
3.  Bring a hostess gift.
4.  Memorize positive thoughts to share.
5.  Family parties are not therapy sessions.
6.  Be positive and affirm other guests’ feelings.

If there were a simple answer to the complicated social issues related to the making of friends that gifted children commonly have, I would put my answer in BOLD on the internet for parents of gifted children.

Social development is often an issue for gifted children. All too often, parents hear unqualified people say, “Your child is autistic.” Don’t listen to unqualified opinions about your child. People such as teachers or coaches, or even your relatives, may just be having a hard time connecting/dealing with your child. Educational research has shown that the teacher if the most important person in your child’s day. The teacher who said your child is autistic is having a hard time connecting to your child.

If your child is shy, apprehensive, or slow to warm up to new people, even though he or she is curious, alert, and intellectually inclined, don’t worry. Gifted children are commonly anxious in new social situations. The social anxiety of gifted children is very different than the social-skills issues of autistic children.

Autistic children learn social behavior (social skills) by following the directions of a trained adult. Gifted children who are apprehensive in new situations learn social skills using their intellectual strengths, and through past experiences. Speaking with gifted children about their social problems and grouping them with children who have similar problems is very effective in increasing their social skills and making of friends.

Mainstreaming gifted children is essential. Placing bright and talented children with children who are not communicative is sure to cause boredom and self-criticism for your gifted child. Social skills will not be acquired in a behavioristic classroom.

What helps precocious children with social anxiety are:
1.  Talking about their anxious feelings in social situations and neutralizing their anxiety. For examp[le, you might say, “I was very anxious meeting new people when I was your age.” Gifted children often feel inadequate on the playground. Explain to your child that lots of children have this problem. Try asking, “Do you want to make a playdate with someone you get along with?”
2.  Mainstreaming with other gifted children.
3.  Role playing social situations.
4.  Reading stories about social anxiety, and hearing how it was successfully turned around.
5.  Social anxiety/social skills play groups.

Labelling your child as autistic is a dangerous option that is used too frequently by non-professionals. Ask any specialist how much experience they have with social anxiety in gifted children. You might ask the specialist for references from the children they worked with to make sure you have the right person to work with your child.

    1.  Twins have been used as research subjects to prove that IQ and certain personality traits are inherited (genetic vs. environmental determinism / nature vs. nurture debate).
    2.  “Identical twins will have a very similar IQ score and fraternal twins will not be any closer intellectually than brothers or sisters.” These twin studies have been found to be invalid.
    3.  The twin attachment is primary, like the mother-child attachment, and is a profound determinant of personality.
    4.  Twin attachment as it grows and unravels is an untold story of closeness and conflict and loneliness.
    5.  Being a twin is not as ideal as myths and cultures suggest.
    6.  Being a twin has many moments of immediate understanding and long difficult struggles for a singular identity.
    7.  Outdated idealizations of twinship complicate and undermine twins who don’t get along.
    8.  Shame from onlookers who don’t understand fighting and estrangement make twin problems more intense and painful.
    9.  Parents are the designers of the twin relationship.
    10.  Twins are born married.
    11.  Twins enjoy and rely upon their closeness in childhood.
    12.  As twins separate and follow their own distinct paths, complications arise in their closeness and ability to get along.
    13.  Fighting and estrangement are common but seem to be a hush-hush topic that brings shame.
    14.  Onlookers see twins who do not get along as strange twins.
    15.  Keeping your twinship a secret to avoid criticism is very common.
    16.  Adult twins long for the closeness of childhood and suffer from fighting with each other.
    17.  Who is “right” and who is “wrong” in any argument or disagreement leads to intense fighting that is hard to resolve.
    18.  Resolution of twin estrangement always involves realistic acceptance of what is possible or impossible.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/twin-dilemmas/201909/understanding-twin-fighting

Mothers and fathers call me and ask, “We know our child is gifted. Why does she have problems with reading?”
    “Our son can do math three years above grade level; why won’t he write?”
     Here are five issues to consider:
    1.  Gifted children have learning highs and lows—asynchronous development. What they “get” quickly they pursue with passion. Learning that is difficult for the child means that he or she will give up or just avoid the subject or task in the first place. My advice is to pay attention to your child’s learning issues patiently and calmly. The child's strengths and challenge areas both need to be worked on as the child grows. Focusing on one aspect of your child’s potential is dangerous. Gifted children can be quite complicated.
    2.  Gifted kids have perfectionism about how well they need to perform. Usually their expectations for themselves are way too high. Try to show them what you expect in a positive and helpful manner. For example, “We just want you to write your name. You don’t have to write an entire story.”
    Or, “I would like you to say ‘Hi’ to a child you don’t know. I don’t expect you to make a play date.”
    3.  Your child can’t sit still in class and the teacher asks you if he or she has attention issues. Gifted children are extremely curious and easily get over-excited. Talk to your child’s teacher about this tendency. Elicit help from the teacher. Review the teacher’s concern with your child. Make your child accountable for his or her behavior.
    4.  “My daughter sits alone on the playground. She is not learning to get along with other children.” This is a common problem that can be worked on by introducing games that teach social skills or adding outside activities where your child gets extra encouragement and help for their social skills. Remember, social development is learned by trial and error. Talk with your son or daughter about problems you had growing up.
    5.  “My daughter always has the answer. She will blurt it out and talk over everyone in class.” This behavior is so predictable with gifted children. Work with your child on taking turns and social correctness at home when it is dinner-time or anywhere else you can. Gradually your son or daughter will learn this important lesson to listen, which is truly a priceless skill. Gifted children need to learn the value of paying attention to other people and taking their turn.
    In conclusion, gifted children can and do have these five challenges (and more). Work on these issues as if your child were learning reading or math. In other words, don’t exaggerate these challenges. Instead give your children tools to overcome their obstacles. I guarantee your child will get over their “awkward” behavior.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/twin-dilemmas/201908/how-twins-can-help-one-another

Education is the most important investment you will make regarding your child’s future. One of the biggest and most difficult decisions you face is school choice. Every parent needs help! Even with so much detailed information available online about public and private schools, making this choice can be daunting.

After you tour the schools and talk with friends, other parents, and maybe your own parents or neighbors, you may still be unsure of your decision. What is best for your child, your family, and your finances?

I can help you make the best possible long-term investment in education by:

●Assessing your child’s learning strengths and challenges

●Understanding your family values

●Teaching you how to assess school tours

●Helping you ask the right questions at interviews so you can get past promotional jargon

●Guiding you to make a realistic but not perfect decision

New Children’s Book Celebrating the Acceptance of Differences in Twins

San Jose, CA, 2019 – children’s book author Linda Herron gives her firsthand account of the differences between twins, celebrating their unique identities in her new book Mac & Madi’s Surprise: A Very Different Twins Birthday! Published by Linda Herron in June 2019 and available now for $17.99 on Amazon.com, and available at bookstores, libraries and schools around the world through IngramSpark.

In this debut of what is promised to be a series of Mac and Madi’s adventures, Linda Herron challenges the stereotypes associated with twins. As a twin herself, Herron knows all too well about growing up with the assumption that you and your twin are a carbon copy of one another. Featuring these everyday situations like birthday parties and school days throughout her book, Linda Herron highlights the importance of individuality in an unlikely relationship with identical twins. Rather than confining them to the traits that ensure they are identical in all aspects; she inspires twins to grow as individuals with confidence like all other siblings.

Author Linda Herron says, “May you embrace your likeness, learn how to grow as individuals, and love your journey as best friends!”

Mac & Madi’s Surprise: A Very Different Twins Birthday is an inspiring and educational story which is beautifully illustrated. The story will captivate readers on their best birthday bash ever – they’re doing things differently this year. Join Mac & Madi on their journey as they discover and share their differences and likeness.

The book has already attracted the likes of Dr. Barbara Klein Ph.D., an author, and psychologist who has done extensive research on the development of twin identity. Dr. Klein reviewed Herron’s book, “Finally, a book on twins and their friends and families that acknowledges differences as normal and celebrates unique aspects of each child’s identity.”

For additional information, contact info@lherron.com.

About Linda Herron: Born and raised in Rhode Island and she now resides in San Jose, CA. She enjoys sharing children stories about being an identical twin. Her latest book Mac and Madi’s Surprise: A Very Different Twins Birthday depicts an important message that Linda knows is easily relatable for children. When she isn’t writing Children’s Books she provides strategic consulting that transforms businesses by boosting profitability as the CEO of SimpliProfit. Her financial expertise has been mentioned in media outlets including American Express, Lending Tree and Daily Business News.

CONTACT INFORMATION:

Email: info@lherron.com

www.lherron.com