News & Tips for Parents
Barbara Klein, Ph.D., Ed.D.
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Twin Estrangement Group
If you are estranged from your twin and interested in being in a Skype group of like-minded people, please call me at (310) 443-4182 as soon as possible.
Attentive Parenting: The foundation for trust in the adult lives of twins.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/twin-dilemmas/201805/attentive-parenting
Psychology Today also included my Attentive Parenting article on their webpage of Essential Reads: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/essentials
In the Words of a Child
DAY ONE
This is a story about 3 robots. Ace “A," Charlie “C” and Bob “B”. A, B and C are on the school yard. Mr. T “The muscle man” is on yard duty. Ms. Masi is letter M., she is in the classroom.
Mr. T is walking on duty. A goes out to play and Charlie does the same. Bob the bully starts bullying them and says, “you are stupid”. A and C talk to Mr. T, Mr. T gives them advice. He tells them to use “I” messages. A and C said, “Be-bo Be-be”; translated “I don’t like it when you say mean things to us.” B goes inside his letter shell. They all go inside their letter shell and they are carried into the classroom.
You have to go into your letter shell to learn things. Ms. M is in her letter shell too. Everyone goes to sleep. They learn while sleeping.
DAY TWO
A and C make red puddles. The bully “B” is still in class. They (A and C) have red pen shooters. The bully comes out with black pen shooters and makes the puddles black. Mr. T comes out to yard duty, spots “B” being a trouble maker. Mr. T puts “B” in the classroom for the rest of the day.
Ms. M stays inside all day. Ms. M doesn’t like “A” or “C," nobody does. Dr. K comes to school. She says in a mean voice “Stop picking on A and C, they are special people with special powers of love.” Mommy Q comes to the playground and A hugs her. Ms. M says, “You should not be here now.” Ms. M puts up a fight with Dr. K and Mommy Q. Mommy Q and Dr. K win.
A, C, T, Mommy Q, Dr. K, Mr. Jenkins “J” send Ms. M back to Florida for Compassion School. Last time we checked Ms. M was still trying to learn compassion.
How to Calm Down Your Gifted Child or Teenager
First things first. You have to really believe on a deep level that excitability and intensity is normal in gifted kids. In fact, emotional intensity and extreme passion are hallmarks of giftedness. Explaining this idea as primary leads to a strategy. Find ways to calm your son or daughter down. What works for your neighbor’s child will not work for you and your child necessarily. Challenging activities including visiting new places while traveling or just going to museums and concerts and skilled sports events will enliven your child and calm them down. Reading and internet activities that are intellectual are important as well. Coding classes and learning languages can also use up their brain power and calm them down. Art, music and drama get out some of their need for self-expression. Sports can help them focus and deal with competitive and physical energy.
How to Successfully Advocate for Your Gifted Child
You are probably reading this article to find out when your issues with your son or daughter will be over with. I hate to say this to you but advocating for your gifted child and teenager is a lifelong problem. Sometimes there is no pressure from your child or the school, and it is easy to keep your child engaged in learning. When the school your child attends is good enough, family stress is low and there are enough outside challenges in your child’s area of passion to just “let it be,” you can relax. But when things go south—when there is a mismatch between your son or daughter’s school that cannot be resolved—you can feel like you are underwater, being criticized by teachers, school specialists and the principal. Everyone is unhappy and frustrated. You have to advocate for your child or teenager or you will all drown.
Most often (about 95% of the time), parents who call me say their child has been given one of three labels, which are potent and experienced as criticisms:
1. Your child is on the autistic spectrum.
2. Your child has ADD.
3. Your child is spoiled.
In my experience working with gifted children and teenagers with emotional or behavioral problems, there is a serious lack of connection between the home and school. The teacher and student are both bored and frustrated. Emotional intensity of the student makes the teacher feel pressured and even marginalized—unimportant. Your son or daughter wants more and the teacher has no more to give, so they call in the “experts” and choose the diagnosis of the year. The school, as a team of paper pushers, makes up a protocol that is sure to fail because these experts actually don’t know what is not working for your child.
In most cases the problems gifted children demonstrate are the following.
1. Boredom.
2. Emotional intensity that is not dealt with in a positive way.
3. Social difficulties with mean peers and bullies.
4. Awkwardness with a teacher who is more distant than mother and who the child experiences as indifferent.
You need to see/identify the symptoms that suggest there are “gifted” problems in the classroom and find someone to help you with your son or daughter.
1. Not wanting to go to school.
2. Thinking that school is a waste of their precious time.
3. Playing alone on the school yard or reading at lunchtime in the library.
4. Fighting on the playground.
5. Not listening in class and being disruptive.
6. Not making friends at school who want to have playdates.
How to advocate:
1. Find an expert who understands gifted children and your struggle as a parent.
2. Read about gifted children.
3. Find parent support groups.
4. Find social groups for gifted children through activities.
5. Find social groups that are community focused.
6. Make suggestions to teachers.
7. Find a therapist to help you if you cannot make progress on your own.
Remember you can be successful. You need to find people who understand and are willing and able to help you. Stay away from the bad advice of mothers who are jealous that you have a gifted child and family members who are critical of you and act like they know it all.