Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

    How to de-escalate the emotional disruptions that friends and spouses bring to the twin relationship is an important skill for every twin to learn. One hundred percent of the twins I have talked with openly share that friends and spouses create stress, discord and sometimes contribute to estrangement between twins. No matter how nonjudgmental and accepting your new partner may be to your twin, jealousy will arise between the two of them. And naturally both your twin and new partner will feel threatened or confused. And for sure some twin-nontwin relationships are toxic because of the emotional intensity and interdependence that twins share, which throws new relationships off balance.
    Additionally, twins are not used to superficial relationships and small talk. And unknowingly twins may want closeness and attention immediately and with practically everyone they meet. The new friend may feel as if their twin friend wants too much closeness and attention. The twin may feel a sense of emptiness in new relationships and long for their twin who can understand them immediately depending on the closeness that they shared in childhood and adolescence.
    Another facet of making new relationship brings up the question: Who is number one? Your twin or your new partner? Jealousy on both sides about the new other person’s place in your twin’s life can be destructive and devastating. Who should you remain loyal to, your twin or your new partner?
How do you resolve fights whether out in the open or underground between your twin and the new outsider? New friend problems are truly tricky to solve. Being mindful of these types of potential problems is helpful. As well, talking to your twin about who comes first, who gets primary loyalty and how much interdependence is emotionally healthy will help everyone to think more clearly.
    Here is an example of disruption created by a new boyfriend addition to a twin relationship. Margaret and Melinda are graduating from college. Margaret has had one boyfriend throughout college, and they plan to be together after they graduate. Melinda has had a series of boyfriends and is not committed to one person. While it is unspoken, both women plan to separate from one another and take their own paths as young adults. Unfortunately, they are totally unprepared for what comes next, which is not unusual for twins who have not had a lot of healthy parental attention. Both twins make decisions that do not take the stress of separating from their sister into consideration. Margaret marries her college sweetheart and moves across the pond to London. She cannot afford to visit her sister. Melinda marries and feels lost. She has serious difficulties making friends and adjusting to her new life. Both sisters make their new husbands number one, in spite of the deep criticisms they have about their brother-in-laws. Whether the twins are aware of jealousy or not, new relationships are seen as competitors. Margaret and Melinda want it both ways. In other words these sisters want to have two number one’s in their life. Unfortunately, estrangement begins to define their adult years. Both long for their childhood attachment but they cannot reestablish this closeness later in life for more than a day or two.
    A second example goes like this. Rachel and Rebekah are paired ice skaters who have received many awards for their performances. To say the least both are very used to getting feedback from one another. They share an unusual closeness. Rachel falls in love and plans a wedding. Her twin Rebekah thinks that her sister’s fiance is a materialist loser, and Rebekah is passively aggressive at all marriage related events. Rachel gets married and Rebekah has to be like her sister and talks her boyfriend into a secret wedding.
    Rachel is unhappy in her marriage and Rebekah is pleased that she saw that he was not husband material. Unfortunately Rebekah is very very unhappy in her own marriage and has a nervous breakdown. Cleaning up the mess from these two marriages takes time for each twin. It is not easy. And on some level the double marriage and double divorce are hard to understand unless you are a twin. Each of these young women did not have enough self-confidence and life skills to be with someone besides their twin. Although they wanted to be married, they were unable to cope with another person’s lack of attentiveness.
    A very common example of how newcomers affect twin relationships follows. Jeanie falls in love and marries her college sweetheart. Her twin Jody dates but never marries because she cannot find the right person who she can always trust. Jeanie feels continually guilty that she is married and Jody is not married even though Jeanie knows that her sister’s marital status is not really her concern. Jeanie feels like her marriage has driven a wedge between her and Jody, while Jody feels pressured to marry but cannot make the commitment to another person. Unspoken longings and resent fill up their adult relationship.
    One last example, which I have seen many times. Amanda and Annie are raised by a single mother who is always struggling financially. These girls are high achievers and bound and determined not to make the same mistake their mother made. At college Amanda meets and marries a talented surgeon. Annie meets and marries a financial wizard. Both are extremely wealthy but also extremely unhappy that they live far away from one another. Annie leaves her husband and moves in with her sister and her sister’s husband and children. Annie and Amanda make their own lives but never make their husbands number one. Their loyalty remains to each other even though they are both strong and successful women.

Conclusions
     Marriage creates enormous stress for twins and their partners because it creates a deeper separation between them, which can be confusing and difficult to adjust to. How twins will accept their sister’s or brother’s new partner is hard to predict. What helps is communication about the problems that arise, preparation and acceptance for problems that cannot be solved. The hope is that over time, resentments will diminish and warmth between your two families will develop and survive.

    Parents and children are faced with a new and complicated challenge of developing homeschooling and online learning as this is now the only option to educating their children. Schools are closed at all grade levels. Parents are now substitute teachers. Children’s friendships are nurtured online through established chats that the schools set up for their students. Extra curriculum is also online and based on the student’s interests or family projects organized by parents.
    As an educational consultant with expertise in gifted kids and high-achieving children, I have been asked (on the phone or on video conferences) by parents about the most effective way to work with their children at home during the coronavirus health crisis. Obviously, children and their parents will have to learn to work together in a new and different way. Mom and dad have become teachers who need to make sure that their children are able to learn via the internet and through everyday experiences that teach reading, mathematics, computers, art and science. Social skills will be developed in the family setting or through interactions online.
    This new parent-child relationship understandably can be hard and frustrating. At first, keep in mind that the frustration you will experience is totally normal and predictable for both you and your child and all of the other family members. Establish some basic rules for your child/student and for yourself. Give your child input on what he or she might expect or encounter. Try to react calmly to small and large bumps on this new journey. Try to figure out what type of learner your child is and the learning tricks that work for your child. In my personal experience, getting discouraged will not help this new way of parent-child teaching and learning “emerge into reality” (come to fruition) in a positive way. Do not give up even if you are ready to pull your hair out or send your children to grandma’s house. Actually, keeping kids separate from older adults is necessary and certainly not a good idea given grandparents’ susceptibility to coming down with the virus.
    Frustration in home-schooling and online learning is ofter lessened when there are rules and structure to each and every day. Of course, fun is also an important part of learning. Activities that are fun and educational will make learning exciting and make rote learning more bearable. But do not give up on what your child/student does not want to do. Add some exercise to every day and try to keep a positive attitude. Students do better when they are encouraged and praised and their motivation is increased. Negativity has the opposite effect and motivates students to give up. When something goes wrong, develop natural consequences that will make sense to your child and that reflect the seriousness of the issue that is being hopefully corrected.

Look at the bright side of this drastic change in your home life. There is a silver lining. Your child will develop a more realistic and practical attachment to you. The following school problems will be eliminated.
    1. Your sons and daughters will no longer be exposed to bullying from other children in their classes.
    2. The stress and pressure of getting everybody out of the house and on the road with their lunch and homework will be removed.
    3. Dealing with other know-it-all parents will no longer be on your radar screen.
    4. Getting notes at home from teachers about what went wrong will be eliminated.

On a more psychological and philosophical note,
    1. All children need to have their thoughts and feelings acknowledged, which is hard to accomplish in a large classroom with a boring standardized curriculum.
    2. Children learn best by doing. Now is your opportunity to present interesting and challenging school work that inspires them to explore and discover and to learn.
    3. You can make time to understand more deeply what your child is interested in learning and present material that will accelerate their thinking.
    4. You can also observe his or her learning style and try to work in that style. In other words, what helps when your child is frustrated about learning new things? What can you do to help your son or daughter understand consequences for misbehavior, including not listening and not following directions? What are the rewards that motivate your particular child? Find motivators and use them.

In conclusion, there are unstated and misunderstood rewards for the school closure emergency. If parents and children can see the advantage of this health crisis, we as a community will be able to find new methods to educate our children. Parents can be extraordinary teachers if given the chance.

For more than thirty years I have worked with gifted children and their parents on problems with starting, completing, and handing in homework. Unfortunately, homework is a huge problem for many many families with gifted children. Parents cannot understand why their super-smart child is being so difficult, rude, and irresponsible. I have come up with eight reasons that are contributing factors to consider, to talk about, and to work on with your son or daughter.
 
1.  Homework is not important to smart kids.
Maybe the homework is too easy or too boring, and they are not interested in doing it. Kids don’t understand that homework is their personal responsibility. One way to help children learn how to do things that are boring is to give them  responsibilities at home that they are not interested in completing. They need practice at doing boring things.

2.  They can get away with it.
This is a parental problem with not setting limits and consequences. Smart children are always very compelled to outsmart their parents, even if their behavior is inappropriate or self-destructive. Parents need to establish rules that their child can manage to follow. Being too strict or too permissive gives your child permission to not listen to you.

3.  Gifted children have fun when they aggravate their parents.
No matter how wonderful of a you are, gifted kids love to argue. They are “know-it-alls” to the core. Challenging mom and dad and teachers can be a sport for them. Try and communicate with them that you are not interested in every argument they start. Teach them to respect your authority.

4.  They get used to negative attention and thrive on it.
Gifted kids are challenging and stressful to raise. Parents normally and naturally get frustrated and angry. Kids pick up on their parents’ anger and learn how to react in the most annoying ways. Parents need to get better at understanding and diffusing their frustrations.

5.  Some smart children are not confident in themselves and think they can’t do their homework.
This is a truly perplexing problem for parents and usually something that is resolved with the help of tutors or psychotherapists.

6.  Perfectionistic behavior can lead to homework not being completed.
This a very different problem than lack of confidence, but tutoring help outside of the family for the child can break this cycle.

7.  Gifted children can have learning problems that require special educational interventions.
The way to handle this issue is to have an educational therapist evaluate your child and create an intervention that will help your child develop his or her potential.    

8.  When smart kids are angry at you they may try to get back at you by not completing their homework.
If you believe that your child is doing poorly at school as a revenge tactic, it is time to seek out the help of a mental health professional who has experience working with children and their families.


Symptoms of homework problems that need to be addressed

1.  Complaining about homework being boring, which is often an excuse for not doing homework, especially in younger children.
2.  Losing homework on the way home from school.
3.  Forgetting to hand in homework after it is completed.
4.  Refusing to do homework through directly avoiding, ignoring, or procrastinating.
5.  Lying about homework or pretending it is done.

    
What parents can do to solve the homework problem

Ignoring or making light of the problem with homework will only make the problem worse. Parents who put their heads in the sand and pray for a miracle are not helping themselves or their child. Being afraid to confront your child’s homework problem won’t help either. Parents need a practical strategy to begin to solve the stress in their houses over homework. Being negative or overly dramatic about the problem is counterproductive. A simple plan that you can evaluate and build on is essential. The following steps will be helpful.

1.  Make a plan to speak with your child’s teacher and establish a reliable feedback loop for completion. Using online technology is very effective.
2.  If homework continues to be a problem, request a student success conference or an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP). Both procedures are offered at public and private schools.
3.  If your child remains noncompliant with homework, get an evaluation from an educational therapist or a clinical psychologist who works with children and teenagers.
4.  Continue to communicate with the support team that you are working with.
5.  Evaluate progress and the areas that need more attention.

There is no question in my mind that homework needs to be completed and turned in to the teacher. Unfortunately, this year I have heard more and more parents complaining about their children not doing their homework. And the next seriously hard thing for kids to do is to is to actually hand their homework in to the teacher. Why is homework such a huge problem? What happens to completed homework that is mysteriously lost at school or forgotten at home? We all know that there is no homework monster that steals your son or daughter’s completed work.

Both parents and teachers are very clear that homework is the child’s responsibility to be taken seriously and completed carefully. Obviously, children don’t want to bother to do their homework. Children want to do what they want to do. Homework is a bore no matter how much your children love you and want to make you happy. Even the most engaging homework from the most wonderful of schools may be an annoying and bothersome task. When a child is angry about school or his/her family life, homework can become a more serious problem to manage. A school that does not fit your child’s learning style can everyone’s life miserable.

The bottom line is that homework needs to be completed. And honestly, when I was growing up long ago there was no question that all assignments sent home were completed and returned. The culture of education has changed. There is more tolerance for wiggling out of homework. Some parents and schools no longer support the policy of letter grades. So children do get mixed messages about how important following the school and home rules actually is. Children are encouraged to have their own opinions, and they are allowed to express them openly.

Certainly an open-minded approach to parenting and education is valuable. But I believe as an intellectual community we have gone too far in trying to listen to our children’s complaints, insistent demands, and even temper tantrums about how they want their life to proceed without homework.

Clear standards and expectations need to be explained and respected by your children. A special place and time is very important to establish a routine to follow with as much predictability as is possible. Of course, life situations can take place that alter schedules, but still parents must be serious about helping their children get their homework completed.

Homework problems are a cry for help from your child. If you and your family is having problems with homework, there are two avenues to consider. First, are you as the parent helping your child to take school responsibilities seriously? Second, does your son or daughter have a learning or behavioral problem that needs to be addressed by a professional?

When the parent is the problem with homework getting back to school

There are certain parental attitudes and behaviors that definitely contribute to homework problems.

1.  Parents are too busy to take the time to set up and follow through on a homework routine.
2.  Parents are too easy going or too indifferent to their child’s learning responsibilities.
3.  Parents encourage their child to be defiant and opinionated.
4.  Parents are too preoccupied to follow through on checking homework.
5.  Parents are fighting about how to raise their children and they let the homework problems fall through the cracks.
6.  Delegation of authority to tutors, nannies, and grandparents who are not parents or the child’s primary advocate.

When the child is having learning problems and cannot manage their homework

Sometimes your son or daughter really is lost and needs help doing the school work that comes home. Here are some indicators of your child’s learning struggles:

1.  The teacher tells you your child needs help.
2.  Your child is afraid to go to school.
3.  Your child does not have any friends to play with at school.
4.  Your child is always angry and defiant.
5.  Sickness or family trauma has created emotional and behavioral problems that require attention from professionals.
6.  Your child has a learning disability or other educational problems that require specific interventions.
7.  The school you have selected is too pressured for your child, who is shutting down and not paying attention at school because he or she is so unhappy.

Decide where the homework problem starts. Is the problem related to your inattention? Is your child facing learning challenges that need tutorial help or professional intervention? Is the school setting inappropriate for how your child best learns?

You need to get behind homework challenges and show your child how to move forward in learning how to face challenges that are not necessarily interesting or fun.

Children's book author Linda Herron made her debut in 2019 with her hit Mac & Madi's Surprise: A Very Different Twins Birthday! In a delightful rendition of her own childhood as an identical twin, Herron promised it would be the first of a series of Mac and Madi's adventures. Published by Big Little Press in December 2019, Mac & Madi Get Sporty: The Twins Surprising Journey to find their Sport!  is available now in hardcover, paperback, eBook and Kindle Unlimited from $18.99, $13.99 and $1.99 respectively on Amazon.com.

In Mac and Madi's latest adventure, Linda Herron illustrates the hurdles the girls must overcome, testing their bond as they encounter differences between themselves and challenging the stereotype of identical twins. As a twin herself, Herron knows all too well about growing up with the assumption that you and your twin are a carbon copy of one another. Featuring everyday situations like sports activities throughout her book, the author highlights the importance of individuality in the world of twins. Rather than confining them to the traits that make them identical in all aspects; she inspires twins to grow individually like all other siblings. Readers will follow along as the characters pursue the activities that lead them to doing something different from each other.

Author, Linda Herron says, "May you embrace your likeness, learn how to grow as individuals, and love your journey as best friends!"

Mac & Madi get Sporty is an inspiring and educational story with beautiful illustrations. It will captivate readers as the twins navigate the light-hearted perils of life as young identical twins. Join the girls on their journey to self-discovery in following their chosen activities, away from the comfort zone of their identical twin relationship.

Reviewed by Barbara Klein, Ph.D. an author, and psychologist who is a known researcher on the development of twin identity. The book review reads; "Mac and Madi's parents made excellent action-based decisions about how to help their children develop individuality. With a deep appreciation for the closeness that twins share, they gave their children opportunities to try different sports activities together and to make their own decision."

About the author: Born and raised in Rhode Island, she now resides in San Jose, CA. She enjoys sharing children's stories about being an identical twin. Her latest book Mac and Madi get Sporty depicts an important message that Linda knows is easily relatable for all siblings and twins.

https://www.lherron.com

I hope that twins will understand and agree when I declare that twinship as viewed by objective scientists and “onlookers” is very different from how twins see themselves. Twins experience twinship as a roller coaster ride between harmony and despair. For me and my fellow twins, an outsider’s perspective on twinship is mind boggling and just plain wrong.

Unfortunately, after many decades of talking and writing about twins, it is still hard for me to describe such a complicated emotional attachment, which of course has different varieties from twinship to twinship. With this honest disclaimer, I can say: The still waters of twins’ emotional connections run deep.

A most prominent feature of this enmeshed alliance is the readiness to engage in an argument with your twin about a decision that inevitably leads to the question of who is right and who is wrong. And, remarkably, twins hold on to the place-makers of their intuitions and opinions very strongly with entitlement and decisiveness. Each twin takes her own side seriously. The experience of making a decision with your twin can create love and harmony or deep anger or rage. Casually agreeing to the same strategy at the same time is unusual, to say the least.

When my twin and I got an idea in our head, we held on to it. For all of our lives, arguing about a decision could lead to fireworks or war. I would slam the phone in disgust, or she would say critical things about my character which implied that I was too stupid to see her point of view. Every argument was crucial. While some arguments were life-changing, others were about where to buy dessert or shop for a new outfit or which yoga class was most spiritually healing. Obviously, it is difficult to describe this intensity. But trying to measure an unexplained narcissistic personality characteristic is impossible. Objective tests, such as the MMPI, will not explore these characteristics. Drawings, paintings, sculpture, poetry, memoir, fiction, and non-fiction writing capture the experience of love and hate, closeness and fighting, enmeshment and individuality that makes the twin relationship special.

My own experience being “just Barbara” started and stopped, depending on the environment we were placed in. As toddlers, Marge and I were double trouble. We worked together to tear up World Book encyclopedias in our cribs. Our inappropriate behavior was tolerated, because we were not fighting or crying, which allowed the family some peace. We drank red-colored furniture polish from the cabinet in the kitchen. As a result, we took a ride in the ambulance to the hospital with our terrified mother to have our stomachs pumped. We enjoyed getting into mischief. We wanted to be together. Togetherness was a lot of fun and brought a lot of attention.

In childhood, our parents saw us as one. We walked hand in hand to school. We played games like who could make their ice cream cone last longer. We dressed alike and dressed our Madame Alexander dolls alike. (Madame Alexander was a precursor to Barbie.) Fooling around at religious school and on holidays was normal and acceptable. We were treated as one and reacted as a unit. Our twin attention colored our development. However, we were not treated as two peas in a pod. We were treated as opposites. Each of us had our own role in the twinship. I was the responsible and caretaking twin. Margie was the adventurer and the instigator of fun and making double trouble. I was the one who looked at the practical aspects of fun. Gradually our roles lead to the development of individuality and created deep struggles with separation.

Actually seeing that I could stand on my own began in middle school. We were different in that she wanted to belong with the popular crowd, and I was not interested. I liked boyfriends, and she liked the popular girls. While no one talked about our differences, being “just Barbara” was visible to our parents and extended family. We were also allowed to dress alike.

My smart friends and colleagues ask hard questions. Did you and your sister experience life in the same way? Do you agree on the facts of your life, such as developmental milestones? Onlookers ask more obvious and superficial questions: Who was fatter? And who was thinner? Who was smarter? And who was prettier? Who is richer? Who has more children? The more objective the question, the more the answers are agreed upon. Subjective material starts the intensity of the fighting. And I ask myself: Why do onlookers care?

Comparison and competition are natural for twins. These interactions cannot be denied. When measurement from outsiders is handled with psychological mindedness, then it is ostensibly harmless. When onlookers’ questions are for fun or judgment, they are hurtful and erode the closeness that twins share in their compassion for each other.

Why do adult twins care so much about their twin’s decisions or opinions? From my personal experience, what triggers caring about someone who humiliates you (or is not on your side) is a form of self-loathing.

What helps, in the long run, to stop fighting is to follow your own dreams whatever they may be. Your twin will learn to respect you for moving on.

If there were a simple answer to the complicated social issues related to the making of friends that gifted children commonly have, I would put my answer in BOLD on the internet for parents of gifted children.

Social development is often an issue for gifted children. All too often, parents hear unqualified people say, “Your child is autistic.” Don’t listen to unqualified opinions about your child. People such as teachers or coaches, or even your relatives, may just be having a hard time connecting/dealing with your child. Educational research has shown that the teacher if the most important person in your child’s day. The teacher who said your child is autistic is having a hard time connecting to your child.

If your child is shy, apprehensive, or slow to warm up to new people, even though he or she is curious, alert, and intellectually inclined, don’t worry. Gifted children are commonly anxious in new social situations. The social anxiety of gifted children is very different than the social-skills issues of autistic children.

Autistic children learn social behavior (social skills) by following the directions of a trained adult. Gifted children who are apprehensive in new situations learn social skills using their intellectual strengths, and through past experiences. Speaking with gifted children about their social problems and grouping them with children who have similar problems is very effective in increasing their social skills and making of friends.

Mainstreaming gifted children is essential. Placing bright and talented children with children who are not communicative is sure to cause boredom and self-criticism for your gifted child. Social skills will not be acquired in a behavioristic classroom.

What helps precocious children with social anxiety are:
1.  Talking about their anxious feelings in social situations and neutralizing their anxiety. For examp[le, you might say, “I was very anxious meeting new people when I was your age.” Gifted children often feel inadequate on the playground. Explain to your child that lots of children have this problem. Try asking, “Do you want to make a playdate with someone you get along with?”
2.  Mainstreaming with other gifted children.
3.  Role playing social situations.
4.  Reading stories about social anxiety, and hearing how it was successfully turned around.
5.  Social anxiety/social skills play groups.

Labelling your child as autistic is a dangerous option that is used too frequently by non-professionals. Ask any specialist how much experience they have with social anxiety in gifted children. You might ask the specialist for references from the children they worked with to make sure you have the right person to work with your child.

Popular culture and mythology suggests that twins have an ideal relationship. These stereotypical ideas have infected our meaningful understanding of twinship. In reality the opposite is true. Twins have a very difficult time getting along. More often than not, twins feel ashamed that they can’t get along because friends and relatives are always asking why. As well, multiple birth children often feel deeply ashamed of one another as they grow and separate.

In my personal and professional experiences, I have learned that knowing that you are not the only twin who hasn’t spoken to their twin for an extended period of time is an enormous emotional relief. As a young adult, I did not talk to my twin sister for more than ten years. I was ashamed of myself and felt deeply judged and damaged by my ability/inability to tolerate her abusive behavior. Other twins have had this experience, called “breaking up.” Knowing you are not a damaged person because you don’t get along with your twin is healing.

Understanding twin development helps parents of twins and twins who are in conflict with one another resolve, demystify, and clarify the issues that come from fighting and estrangement. Here is why. Twins are competitive with each other and/or jealous of one another because of their unique and deep attachment, which creates judgments. This rivalry is based on the reality that twins measure themselves against each other from an early age. Which twin gets more food, love, attention, toys and special time is compared and contrasted verbally and non-verbally. Comparison is a part of childhood life that leads to big questions between twins such as:

    •    Who has the right answer? (I say, both of us are entitled to our opinion.)
    •    Who made the big mistake? (Let’s fix this problem.)
    •    Who is to blame for the mess in the living room? (I will help you.)
    •    Who is smarter, prettier, richer, thinner? (Who cares?)
Childhood competition and comparative judgments create fighting that lives on and on. Juxtaposed to resentment and anger is the longing for understanding and harmony. One hundred percent of the twins who contact me have this problem of anger and longing for understanding. Adult twins feel comforted when they learn that they are not the only twins that are not able to get along. Speaking with others who have similar conflicts is not only healing but promotes problem-solving strategies to get along with your sister or brother.

Here are some facts about twin conflict that need to be talked about openly:
    1.    Individuality is the key to controlling fighting.
    2.    Favoritism is common and very unhealthy for both twins.
    3.    Separation issues are normal and frustrating.
    4.    Accepting your twin’s new friends or romantic interests is provocative.
    5.    Parents will have to find a way to deal with anger between their children.
    6.    Separating twins by interests and educational needs is very important to individuality and can eliminate some fighting and jealousy.
    7.    Twin anger is short-lived if it is acknowledged and understood.


In conclusion, understanding and knowledge about twin development are healing tools for twins in conflict. Teaching twins to tolerate seeing the world differently is the first step.

Twins are born married, sharing their psychological and physical attachment. Measuring themselves against each other is a natural and normal way of defining each twin as unique. Parents start the measurement dialogue. Who is calmer? Who is bigger? Who sleeps better? Who finishes eating first? Who is smarter and who is better-looking, prettiest, has the best smile, the personality of a princess?

These questions are among the most common comparisons that parents and onlookers ask about, which (unknowingly) begins the competition of every twinship.

Raising twins to be content with how they are different from one another is an extremely difficult task that will take time and attention to how each of your children reacts to their co-twin and others. There are no easy answers or recipes for making each of your twins feel unique. When you are able to see each child for themselves and embrace their singularity, they will learn that they are different and it is normal to be different. Fighting and competition will be lessened significantly.

Developing individuality is the most crucial aspect of parenting as it directs healthy motivation to learn and to develop emotional balance and social skills. Language development and separation anxiety are minimized when twins can be involved in their own distinct activities that are not shared. Overall mental well-being is strengthened when twins are engaged in different activities and with different friends. Social skills and friendships with other children grow naturally.

As I say this to parents I realize that some of you will find that your children may not want to do separate activities because they are so used to being with each other. But don’t give up on finding something that is interesting for one child and the other child could care less about. For example, maybe one twin likes a special book and her sister or brother thinks it is boring. Go with this difference by showing pride in each of their interests. More and different interests will emerge as they try new activities without each other. If at first, they are unsure of themselves or fearful without their twin, use encouragement to keep them trying to be comfortable in new and separate activities.

The most serious issue between twins is competition. It makes sense to reduce the amount of time twins spend with one another doing the same things and playing compare and contrast. “You got more cookies than I did.” “No, you are so fat that you shouldn’t even want cookies. I am helping you fit into your leotard.” In my experiences with twins, the worst of all times is when they are together for too long because fighting really does get out of control.

Twins need to get rid of twin energy and double trouble productively. Sports, artistic activities, and music are perfect activities for twins and their challenged parents. First, children will come home tired. Next, they will be making new friends and learning new things on their own. And best of all, your twins will learn to be separate and have fun with new people.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/twin-dilemmas