Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Popular culture and mythology suggests that twins have an ideal relationship. These stereotypical ideas have infected our meaningful understanding of twinship. In reality the opposite is true. Twins have a very difficult time getting along. More often than not, twins feel ashamed that they can’t get along because friends and relatives are always asking why. As well, multiple birth children often feel deeply ashamed of one another as they grow and separate.

In my personal and professional experiences, I have learned that knowing that you are not the only twin who hasn’t spoken to their twin for an extended period of time is an enormous emotional relief. As a young adult, I did not talk to my twin sister for more than ten years. I was ashamed of myself and felt deeply judged and damaged by my ability/inability to tolerate her abusive behavior. Other twins have had this experience, called “breaking up.” Knowing you are not a damaged person because you don’t get along with your twin is healing.

Understanding twin development helps parents of twins and twins who are in conflict with one another resolve, demystify, and clarify the issues that come from fighting and estrangement. Here is why. Twins are competitive with each other and/or jealous of one another because of their unique and deep attachment, which creates judgments. This rivalry is based on the reality that twins measure themselves against each other from an early age. Which twin gets more food, love, attention, toys and special time is compared and contrasted verbally and non-verbally. Comparison is a part of childhood life that leads to big questions between twins such as:

    •    Who has the right answer? (I say, both of us are entitled to our opinion.)
    •    Who made the big mistake? (Let’s fix this problem.)
    •    Who is to blame for the mess in the living room? (I will help you.)
    •    Who is smarter, prettier, richer, thinner? (Who cares?)
Childhood competition and comparative judgments create fighting that lives on and on. Juxtaposed to resentment and anger is the longing for understanding and harmony. One hundred percent of the twins who contact me have this problem of anger and longing for understanding. Adult twins feel comforted when they learn that they are not the only twins that are not able to get along. Speaking with others who have similar conflicts is not only healing but promotes problem-solving strategies to get along with your sister or brother.

Here are some facts about twin conflict that need to be talked about openly:
    1.    Individuality is the key to controlling fighting.
    2.    Favoritism is common and very unhealthy for both twins.
    3.    Separation issues are normal and frustrating.
    4.    Accepting your twin’s new friends or romantic interests is provocative.
    5.    Parents will have to find a way to deal with anger between their children.
    6.    Separating twins by interests and educational needs is very important to individuality and can eliminate some fighting and jealousy.
    7.    Twin anger is short-lived if it is acknowledged and understood.


In conclusion, understanding and knowledge about twin development are healing tools for twins in conflict. Teaching twins to tolerate seeing the world differently is the first step.