Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Unfortunately, being called a liar or a cheater when a child’s work is too advanced happens all the time. Recently a mother shared her story with me. She received this letter from a principal:

Hi J,
I had an opportunity to speak with Miss K and the judge that evaluated Liam’s science project to express the concerns you shared with me. What I believe has happened is simple, but rather hard to swallow, and that’s human error. As I thought, the judge found Liam’s project to be in a category by itself and didn’t think a 6th grader was capable of such a high level of critical thinking. Consequently, they didn’t give enough credit where credit was due and Liam did pay a price for it. I, honestly, do not believe the judge had anything but pure intentions. They have a history of judging for several years and have done a GREAT job in the past. This was one of those very unusual occasions when a judgment was made that was in error. All I can do is apologize on behalf of the school. 

My first thought after speaking with the judge is to find a remedy. If possible, I’d like to ask you to bring Liam’s entire project into my office and allow me to find another objective judge to conduct an evaluation that will replace the one in question. I don’t know how that may/may not affect Liam’s potential participation at the District level competition. Our hands may be tied on that issue because I know the representative names have already been submitted and I believe we have a limited number of entries per grade/category. I can’t see taking a student off of the list who has already been awarded that opportunity. Again, I’m sorry.

If you would like me to have his project judged again, please let me know and I will arrange for that to happen. The new evaluation might affect his science grade in a positive manner, so I would encourage you to bring it in. I will, respectfully, leave that up to you (and Liam). 

I’m obviously disappointed in the fact that this happened at the expense of Liam. I will, personally, apologize to him for the error. 

Thank you for your understanding and for sharing your legitimate concerns.

Her son shared his point of view:
Recently I did a science project on simple Maglev trains. I constructed a simple Maglev train and then on my science grade I was docked points because the judge said that my experiment was too advanced for my age. I'm really mad because it makes me think that going above and beyond is a bad thing. I feel that I was wrongly judged.

What you can do:
Be aware that this can and does happen.

     Gifted children have asynchronous development―learning highs and lows, issues with emotional intensity, and problems learning skills that they cannot master immediately. When these complicated developmental issues are coupled with their predictable perfectionistic personalities, precious and precocious kids become vulnerable to developing learned helplessness. Eventually bright and highly sensitive children will underachieve in one or several areas of their lives, including academics, sports, social skills, or creative pursuits. Understanding how underachievement develops is critical if this cluster of learned behaviors is to be corrected so that the child is allowed to develop all aspects of his or her personality.
     Realistically, underachievement and avoidance of a required task or rule is a tricky problem to solve and requires a lot of stamina and commitment on the part of the parents and teachers who have to deal with this type of manipulation on a daily or moment-to-moment basis. Avoidance (of a required task or rule to follow) or manipulation of interactions with parents contributes to underachievement. Parents are usually shocked and sometimes even horrified when I suggest that their son or daughter is manipulating them in order to get their own way. But it is true―smart kids come up with strategies to avoid all types of fearful experiences. The most common fears in younger children include separation anxiety, fear of making a mistake, and social anxiety because they feel like they don’t fit in. 
     Most gifted children develop manipulative strategies through their confusing and negative experiences with their parents. Well-meaning parents are bamboozled into letting their children avoid following directions. This type of defensive behavior starts early and can be centered around separation anxiety or perfectionism―the pressure to avoid what is perceived to be by the child as failure. Parents who are too tuned into their child can give in to the child’s fears and his or her sense of being helpless. The louder that the child cries the more mom and dad give in. The problems (or scary emotions) that foster avoidance will now be harder to overcome. Eventually, a fixed pattern to avoid fear emerges as a way to cope with problem solving or life in general.
     Young children don’t listen because they want to get their own way. Most commonly, as kids get older, homework is what is sabotaged. Gifted kids who can easily complete homework leave out important facts about homework completion, tell untruths (such as “I finished all my homework”), or fight with their parents about what they are supposed to do. For example, the assignment may include neat handwriting but the child refuses to listen to the “stupid and boring” instructions. Even when children complete their homework they can forget to take it to school. And there are other ways that gifted kids manipulate their parents and don’t listen and don’t follow the rules: refusing to stop an activity when directly asked to do so, throwing a tantrum, day-dreaming instead of paying attention in class, or just plain procrastinating about getting ready for any activity that a child does not want to do.
     The causes of these disruptive behaviors can be and often are attributed to attention deficit  disorder (ADD). But most likely your gifted child does not have ADD, although the symptoms are very similar. Perfectionism and emotional intensity can lead to boredom in the classroom and a child who has difficulty paying attention to the teacher. Gifted kids who don’t listen to directions do not necessarily have ADD;  rather, these kids don’t listen because of their overwhelming need to get their own way at any cost, or perhaps strongly fear making a mistake.
     Here are some simple rules to follow when your gifted child has taken their disruptive behavior too far at home or at school. 
     1.  Define what has been disruptive and what your expectations for the interaction or activity are.           
     2.  Deal with disruptive behavior when it happens.
     3.  Find a consequence that works to stop the disruption.
     4.  Give rewards for appropriate behavior. 
     5.  Empathize with your child’s pain but don’t back down and feel sorry for them.
     6.  Don’t ignore the problem. It won’t help.
     7.  Talk to the teacher and make a plan.
     8.  Show your child how to get their homework completed on time.

BEACH CITIES PARENTS OF MULTIPLES ASSOCIATION (BCPMA) PARENT EDUCATION (for all members)

“Twin Expert and Author Dr. Barbara Klein”

Description: Dr. Barbara Klein talks about raising emotionally healthy twins. She will address issues such as, why is raising twins so difficult?, how to deal with twin anger?, ideas on creating separate and unique experiences for each twin, and best practices for developing two individuals. 

Date: Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Time: 7:00-9:00pm

Place: Adventureplex classroom, 1701 Marine Avenue, Manhattan Beach, CA 90266 http://adventureplex.org/

Twins face serious challenges when approaching adulthood, as they try to find their own voices and identities in the world. Author Barbara Klein, a practicing psychologist who is a twin herself, tackles the multifaceted effects of stress and trauma on twin attachments and explains how psychotherapy should be applied to this population.

Alone in the Mirror: Twins in Therapy chronicles the triumphs and struggles of twins as they separate from one another and find their individuality in a world of non-twins. Dr. Klein utilizes psychologically-focused real-life histories to demonstrate how childhood experiences shape twin attachment and individual development. She includes implications for twins in therapy, their therapists, and parents of twins and addresses issues of attachment and intimacy directly and indirectly. Based on Dr. Klein’s scholarly research, clinical experiences with twins in therapy, and her own identity struggles as a twin, this book develops insights into the rare, complicated, and misunderstood twin identity. Effective therapeutic practices for twins will raise the consciousness of parents, as well.

Table of Contents

The Real Facts about Twins. Unique Developmental Processes in Twins: Implications for Psychotherapy and Parenting. Always Close but Never One: Anxiety and Depressive Disorders in Twins. Understanding Conflicting Attachments in Twins: The Resolution of Major Depressive Disorders. "Real" Differences between Twins and Identity Development. Looking at and Reacting to the Twin Attachment. What is Lost when a Twin Dies? Once a Twin, Always a Twin: Implications for Psychotherapy. Alone in the Mirror.

Price: $31.46
Hardback: 176 pages

Published: March 2012

ISBN: 978-0-415-89340-4

Publisher: Routledge

http://www.routledgementalhealth.com/alone-in-the-mirror-9780415893404

The workshop presented by Dr. Deborah Ruf will be held at the UCLA Faculty Center, 480 Charles Young Drive East, Los Angeles, CA 90095

Situated on the corner of Hilgard Ave. and Westholme Blvd., you'll find quick and convenient access from any campus location on the Campus Express shuttle.

The Faculty Center is south of Murphy Hall and across the street from Parking Lot 2.

Directions to UCLA Faculty Center, 480 Charles Young Dr. East:

(A): From the 405 freeway take the Sunset Blvd. exit and go east.
-Turn right on Hilgard Ave. then turn right on Westholme Blvd. (the second traffic light) and enter the UCLA campus.
-Go to the parking and information kiosk to your right and ask for parking directions.
-The Faculty Center is the first building on your right.

(B): From Wilshire Blvd. turn to Westholme Ave. and go North, enter UCLA campus.
-Go to Parking and Information kiosk on your right and ask for parking directions.

http://facultycenter.ucla.edu/directions.htm

How to Encourage Your Gifted Child to Listen to Parents and Teachers
A Workshop

LEARN how, when and why gifted kids don't listen.
LEARN how to work on listening strategies with your child or student.
LEARN how you might be contributing to the "not listening" problem.
and LEARN the answers to your questions.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011, from 4:00 to 5:30 p.m.
Fee: $50 per person or $75 per couple

UCLA Faculty Center, 480 Charles Young Drive East, Los Angeles, CA 90095

RSVP Dr. Barbara Klein:  (310) 443-4182  or  barbarak360@aol.com

The workshop will be presented by Dr. Deborah Ruf.   Dr. Ruf, Minneapolis, is a specialist in gifted assessment, test interpretation, and guidance for the gifted. Having been a parent, teacher, and administrator in elementary through graduate education, she writes and speaks about school issues and social and emotional adjustment of gifted children. Her award-winning book, 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options (2005) (formerly titled Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind), summarizes "levels of intelligence" and highlights the spectrum of giftedness in children. For more information see http://www.educationaloptions.com, http://www.educationaloptions.com/about/about_qualifications.php (vita) or http://www.talentigniter.com. 

The workshop will be moderated by Dr. Barbara Klein. Dr. Klein has worked with gifted children, their parents, and public and private schools in the greater Los Angeles area since 1986. Her private practice is dedicated to assisting the special educational needs of gifted and highly gifted children. She is recognized as a national authority on the development of twins. In addition, Dr. Klein has written seven books in the field of developmental psychology and education, including her latest, entitled “Raising Gifted Kids: Everything You Need to Know to Help Your Exceptional Child Thrive.” Dr. Klein’s most outstanding contribution to the field of education was her work developing the initial parent education component for Head Start, a program developed to enhance the school readiness of economically disadvantaged preschoolers.

For over thirty years I have worked with gifted children and their parents on problems with starting, completing, and handing in homework. Unfortunately, homework is a huge problem for many many families with gifted children. Parents cannot understand why their super-smart child is being so difficult, rude, and irresponsible. I have come up with eight reasons that are contributing factors to consider, to talk about, and to work on with your son or daughter.
 
1.  Homework is not important to smart kids.
Maybe the homework is too easy or too boring, and they are not interested in doing it. Kids don’t understand that homework is their personal responsibility. One way to help children learn how to do things that are boring is to give them  responsibilities at home that they are not interested in completing. They need practice at doing boring things.

2.  They can get away with it.
This is a parental problem with not setting limits and consequences. Smart children are always very compelled to outsmart their parents, even if their behavior is inappropriate or self-destructive. Parents need to establish rules that their child can manage to follow. Being too strict or too permissive gives your child permission to not listen to you.

3.  Gifted children have fun when they aggravate their parents.
No matter how wonderful of a you are, gifted kids love to argue. They are “know-it-alls” to the core. Challenging mom and dad and teachers can be a sport for them. Try and communicate with them that you are not interested in every argument they start. Teach them to respect your authority.

4.  They get used to negative attention and thrive on it.
Gifted kids are challenging and stressful to raise. Parents normally and naturally get frustrated and angry. Kids pick up on their parents’ anger and learn how to react in the most annoying ways. Parents need to get better at understanding and diffusing their frustrations.

5.  Some smart children are not confident in themselves and think they can’t do their homework.
This is a truly perplexing problem for parents and usually something that is resolved with the help of tutors or psychotherapists.

6.  Perfectionistic behavior can lead to homework not being completed.
This a very different problem than lack of confidence, but tutoring help outside of the family for the child can break this cycle.

7.  Gifted children can have learning problems that require special educational interventions.
The way to handle this issue is to have an educational therapist evaluate your child and create an intervention that will help your child develop his or her potential.     

8.  When smart kids are angry at you they may try to get back at you by not completing their homework.
If you believe that your child is doing poorly at school as a revenge tactic, it is time to seek out the help of a mental health professional who has experience working with children and their families.


Symptoms of homework problems that need to be addressed

1.  Complaining about homework being boring, which is often an excuse for not doing homework, especially in younger children.

2.  Losing homework on the way home from school.

3.  Forgetting to hand in homework after it is completed.

4.  Refusing to do homework through directly avoiding, ignoring, or procrastinating.

5.  Lying about homework or pretending it is done.

     
What parents can do to solve the homework problem

Ignoring or making light of the problem with homework will only make the problem worse. Parents who put their heads in the sand and pray for a miracle are not helping themselves or their child. Being afraid to confront your child’s homework problem won’t help either. Parents need a practical strategy to begin to solve the stress in their houses over homework. Being negative or overly dramatic about the problem is counterproductive. A simple plan that you can evaluate and build on is essential. The following steps will be helpful.

1.  Make a plan to speak with your child’s teacher and establish a reliable feedback loop for completion. Using online technology is very effective.

2.  If homework continues to be a problem, request a student success conference or an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP). Both procedures are offered at public and private schools.

3.  If your child remains noncompliant with homework, get an evaluation from an educational therapist or a clinical psychologist who works with children and teenagers.

4.  Continue to communicate with the support team that you are working with.

5.  Evaluate progress and the areas that need more attention.    

An agenda for parents of gifted kids

Unfortunately for children, parents, and teachers, playground politics is an expectable part of your child’s development and schooling. Playground politics can begin in Mommy and Me classes when your child is barely able to talk in complete sentences. In an authoritative voice, one parent might present her point of view about your child in comparison to hers. It seems that Riley walked earlier than Selena. Or Miranda can already read―can Gracie do that?

These not-so-harmless comparisons can grow into labels for your child. A label causes harm because it is not an accurate assessment of your whole child―it is just a snapshot of evolving development. It is never the entire picture.

Parental pressure based on what is essentially, gossip, can nevertheless have a snowball or roller-coaster effect on your child. To deal with this kind of gossip, you need a strategy.

1.  Be aware that gossip and parental pressure can be and most likely are negative influences in your family’s life.

2.  Try not to engage with mothers and fathers in this level of communication. Try re-directing the conversation or diffusing the interaction. Mrs. X comments upon how bright and out-of-the-box your Josh is, compared to her Sam. You can say, “Thanks for the compliment. I hope you have a great day,” and drop it.

It can be difficult not to engage when parents begin diagnosing your child. One mother might say, “Josh is so withdrawn; he won’t talk to Sam.” Before you can respond, another parent adds, “Paul wanted to play with him and Josh wouldn’t even look at him. I think Josh might have Autistic Spectrum Disorder.”

Do not have a conversation with this parent. For your own sake and for the sake of your child, walk away.