Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

For more than 25 years I have spoken with parents of gifted children about ways to deal with their son’s or daughter’s perfectionism. I can safely say that perfectionism and its manifestations, which include temper tantrums and unrealistic fears, are common and also very problematic for both the parent and the child. Getting a grip on how to manage the symptoms of perfectionism is critical to your child’s social and emotional development and ability to thrive intellectually. Here are some suggestions that I write about in more detail in my book, “Raising Gifted Kids: Everything You Need to Know to Help Your Exceptional Child Thrive.”
 
1. Perfectionism breeds perfectionism, so stop trying so hard to be a perfect parent. Being a “good enough” parent who is realistic about your parenting goals and parenting style will help your child relax and accept that you are not perfect and that he or she is not perfect. Being a “good enough” parent is the most effective way to raise a gifted child.
 
2. Find your own voice of reason and use it. Parents today can become over-involved and over-invested in their children and forget to be realistic and forget to set limits for their children and limits for what they will do for their children. Over-doing for your child can hamper their resilience later in life and keep them from wanting to try new adventures.
 
3. Empathize with your child’s unhappiness and resistance but do not give in to their unrealistic demands, as this will surely intensify their perfectionism, temper tantrums, and fears. And you will be totally frustrated when you give in all of the time.
 
4. Have your own life to enjoy, develop, and worry about it. It will help you keep your child’s perfectionism in check and provide a role model as well.
 
5. Embrace your mistakes and your child’s mistakes as learning tools that happen to all of us some of the time.

The downturn in our economy has directly contributed to cutbacks in resources for schooling and to the rigidity and decline of public education. Public schools are extremely test-focused and overcrowded because of the perceived need for accountability, as demonstrated through high student achievement scores. Encouraging children to find and develop their own ideas and interests is, in most situations, ignored. I find myself talking to more and more parents regarding their concerns about public versus private schools for their gifted child. Advice about school placement for gifted children is tricky because social emotional development has to be addressed alongside the need for intellectual challenges. Gifted children who are quick, intense, and stormy require compassion and realistic limits from teachers as well as time to be themselves.

My answer to this crucial parental concern, public vs. private, is still very complicated. Think about the following ideas as you select a school for your smart and intense son or daughter.

    1.  Usually, if you can afford it, private schools have smaller classes, which is extremely valuable for your gifted child. Class size can make a big difference because it allows children to learn at their own rate and not be confined or pressured to relate to the norm. Also, private schools with smaller classes give children opportunities to develop their own ideas.

    2.  There is no one-size-fits-all school for every gifted child. I say this with the awareness that there are  schools―both public and private―that call themselves “gifted schools” and promise parents that their approach works if the child is able to follow the school rules. In my experience, one in 100 gifted children are compliant enough to behave. Social emotional issues arise when rules are overly important. And, most importantly, gifted children are not so easily compartmentalized or categorized. So be wary of the private or public school that advertises themselves as for gifted kids.

    3.  Gifted children are quite idiosyncratic and unique. So are their parents. A mother and father who spend lots of time nurturing and educating their child will see the school as an addition to every
other activity. Working parents will see the school as a more important source of support.

    4.  Each teacher has his or her own personality and strengths. Look for a private or public school that emphasizes the importance of the teacher’s role. Also, it helps if there are volunteers in the classroom to help the teacher.

    5.  The school administration determines how gifted children are viewed and accommodated. While school and district policies always exist, the head of school or principal can work with parents of gifted kids or ignore them. Try to find administrators that acknowledge that gifted kids are different from high-achieving children.

    6.  Think about your child’s personality. If they can “roll with the punches” and love competition, then public school will most likely work out. If they are sensitive and have a hard time making friends think about private school.

    7.  If  you are unhappy with your child’s school, looking for options is an important step to take.

I Skype now.

Curiosity about the development of the bright child is certainly widespread. Self-help books, gifted associations, websites and parent support groups provide information and hands-on strategies for dealing with the often difficult smart child. Concerned parents of spirited, bright kids readily seek out “live” advice and insight from professionals to help them feel more competent about their parenting skills. In contrast, very little has been written about what is unique about the devoted and high achieving bright parents who strive to give their children rich intellectual and creative opportunities that will afford them better lives than they themselves experienced. If you are wondering why this topic is top secret, consider these thoughts:

1. Admitting to having problems with your gifted child is not something that you feel proud of because you want to get it right.

2. People will think you are slightly crazy and that is why you are having problems parenting.

3. If you try harder you will get it right some day.

From my years of experience consulting with smart parents and my own personal experiences as a parent of two gifted children, I know that how the parent sees and reacts to their bright child is incredibly important to their child’s well-being and overall development. Parental perceptions and reactions, which are based on personality, values, and childhood experiences, shapes a bright child’s future. More often than not, parents want to give to their child what they did not get from their parents. For example, a parent who had uninvolved and negligent parents will see their son or daughter’s emotional needs as paramount. While love and attention can be a blessing, it can also make the child overly dependent on their parents. With too much attention children can develop learned helplessness, which limits their motivation, internal resources, and confidence. Another example involves parents who grew up with serious financial stress. These parents can live through their children and seriously give them way too much comfort, luxury, and financial freedom, which also limits the child’s desire to succeed for him- or herself. 

In essence, a child’s destiny in part is founded on the parents’ conscious and unconscious visions and expectations for their son or daughter. The manner in which these expectations are translated and projected is critical to the child’s sense of self. Unfortunately, smart and ambitious parents can and do have serious emotional blind spots which prevent them from being able to see how deeply rooted and unrealistic their hopes for their child can be. Whether parents expect too much or not enough, they can easily distort their perceptions or be blind to what is in the best interest of their child. What comes to my mind most quickly as an example is the parent who wants their child to go to an Ivy League college and does not see their child’s genuine artistic nature, need for self expression, and alternative types of schooling. Or the opposite, the artistic parent who cannot see their child’s entrepreneurial nature and yet insists on creative learning environments.

To intensify and rigidify emotional blindness, parental insights about their own parental identity―their sense of self and how childhood experiences shaped the direction of their life―is often seen from a superficial and judgmental perspective. Other professionals who work with bright children and their parents such as teachers, administrators and psychologists look for easy black and white solutions and understandings. They believe in psychological dynamics that might be found in a fortune cookie. I hear far too many reductionistic and vapid remarks from other “experts” that I work with. “The father is not involved; he just works too hard to be a real dad.” Or “The mother had such a chaotic childhood; how can she manage her children?” Or “The child is being bullied because his parents are too overprotective.” There is always more than meets the eye at first glance.

Simplistic formulas―recipes for success―for child rearing become guiding lights for smart parents who should know better. There are no easy answers when you are parenting a spirited child. For example, when I am talking to parents about how they developed their parenting styles, I hear this refrain too often: “My parents were bad or limited in their ability to provide for me. They moved around the country and ignored my education and talents. I will be a better parent than my mother and father. I am striving to be the ‘best’ parent for my daughter.” This typical better-than attitude seems to be enough insight for the majority of parents who I work with on a daily basis. Most likely, this type of concerned parent wants to give their child what they did not get. And mom or dad or both are over-identified with their child. In other words the parent, whether or not they are aware of their motivation, is living through their child.  Unfortunately, for many professionals, delving into why parents want to live through their smart kids is just too painful or just not worth the time it takes. In my opinion understanding over identification is the key to realistically assessing what your child really needs, as compared to what you want to give based on the deficits in your childhood.

Understanding what the child’s developmental needs are, which are different from what the parent believes the child must have, is crucial. And yet the difference is ignored for a variety of compelling and time-related reasons. Personally, I am always horrified when I hear the very certain straight and narrow “never enough” parenting approach. This unnatural and overly detailed approach justifies the “wanting to do everything right” parenting style. In actuality, raising a bright child from a self-righteous, idealistic, perfectionistic perspective is clearly a recipe for failure. The parents’ ambitions and expectations for their son or daughter create and intensify the child’s deep need or natural inclination to be doing everything perfectly. Social emotional development will eventually become stalled in a gridlock of self-centeredness between parent and child when thoughts and actions are based on intense perfectionism. Actually, because smart children have the ability to think abstractly, it is natural for them to try to do everything perfectly, which often creates intense anxiety. When parents approach their role with the intention of doing everything perfectly it can be a psychological disaster for the child and the family. When parents believe every little detail is important, a sense of reasonableness and reality is lost, which is crucial to parenting effectively.

If you are too perfectionistic, please call or email and I can help you!

(310) 443-4182

drbarbaraklein@gmail.com

Thankfully, the fanfare of the winter holiday is over, and everyone is marginally satisfied with their family experiences and holiday gifts. Now with the start of the new year it is time to simplify life. Time to get down to what your gifted son or daughter really needs. Here are my New Year’s resolutions for you and your family!!!

1. Help make your child's school experiences and responsibilities with teachers, friends, and homework productive and positive.

2. If your child needs help, you should be quick to find them the extra support they need. When you procrastinate about getting help for your child, family stress escalates and your problem becomes more serious.

3. Friendships create bonds for children to explore their world and learn about life outside of their home. Encourage and nurture your child's social-emotional development and social skills. Parents of gifted kids are often blind to their son or daughter's social limitations, which can include shyness or a grandiose sense of power with others.

4. Parent-child interactions need to have focus and direction. When parents are overly strict or overly permissive, children fail to learn coping strategies and problem- solving approaches. They will be behind the eight ball when they try to interact with others outside of their home environment. Provide a variety of experiences with others that will broaden your child’s world view.

5. Be a stable and reliable parent who is in charge of adult decisions. Let your child make decisions with you. But remember your child is not your equal or helpless.

6. Make family time important and at a consistent time so that your children have time to talk with you and to be with you. Family time builds deep bonds between parent and child and makes the child feel safe.

7. Don’t over-react to your child’s challenges. Just react. Dial down your intensity about how serious you child’s negative feelings are. Children calm down faster than their parents. When you predict disaster you are setting up a likely disaster and teaching your child to embrace their learned helplessness.

8. Through your actions and decisions teach your child the value of resilience. When you teach your child that it is okay to make a mistake and learn from that mistake, you are teaching a very important lesson.

       Maybe teachers, pediatricians, and others who you look to for wisdom in your life won't tell you that your smart, intense, and energetic child will always be a "handful" at times. But this exciting and daunting reality is true. And so the sooner you develop a set of strategies to deal with your precocious child the better!
       When I talk to parents about developing strategies to deal with their gifted son or daughter, I always think back on my now-adult children's childhood struggles and triumphs. And I remind myself that their little quirky behaviors are still apparent in their adult lives. I am still being the mother of my gifted kids. Thank goodness they are still compassionate, bright, curious and intense.
       I often wonder do moms and dads who seek out my advice care about my ramblings about my adult children? Do they wish I would stay focused on their child's issues? But in the end of my musings, I always agree with myself. Some aspects of giftedness such as emotional intensity and passion vs. despair live on way past the teenage years. Parents seeking my advice deserve to have the insight of my lifetime of experiences watching gifted kids grow up. Parents deserve to understand the reality of raising a gifted child. You definitely need to prepare yourself for the roller coaster aspect of dealing with a gifted kid.
       So if you know that you are confronting a parenting problem that is long-standing does this knowledge and wisdom help? It should ground the parent into developing long-range strategies, not just looking for easy answers. Investing in understanding and applying the following ideas will help you to be a more effective parent.
       1. Stop wishing that your gifted child will just be normal because it is impossible. Intense children need a different owner's manual than children who are less intense by nature.
       2. Accept that you will need advice on how to advocate for your child with experts who work specifically with gifted children.
       3. Understand your child's strengths and challenges, and work on both aspects of their development. For example, if your child reads easily but has problems making friends, keep up on the reading but help your child find their peer group.
       4. Gifted children are perfectionistic and will use their astute problem-solving capabilities to get their way. Manipulative behaviors are often used to avoid confronting their fear of failure. Be wise and just set limits on their infuriating attempts to avoid their inner demons.
       5. There is no one-size-fits-all school for gifted children. Anyone who is advertising this platitude is surely going to have difficulty with your child.

Saturday I spoke at a meeting in Washington, D.C. to a group of mental health professionals about my ideas of how to work with twins in therapy. This thoughtful group of psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and psychoanalysts listened carefully to my ideas, which are covered in detail in my new book, ALONE IN THE MIRROR.

My sense of this distinguished and and experienced audience was that some members understood what I was trying to convey about the need of a twin to recreate the twinship with the therapist. Other members were unable to grasp the idea about the profound nature of the twin bond and asked questions that seemed to reflect their “outsider” understanding. For example, they asked questions about how you should separate twins, which is a very difficult question to answer because it really depends on so many different life circumstances. Also, they were interested in why one twin was gay and the other was not. This question is not important to twins who I have spoken with and seems to pertain to an outsider looking in curiosity rather than a true interest in working with twins in therapy.

There was one story presented by an older and experienced psychoanalyst about a twin she had worked with. She explained that one twin was emotionally distraught and hospitalized while the other twin was fine. When the sick twin was let out of the hospital the seemingly well twin had to be hospitalized for depression. Finally, both twins were out of harm’s way. Unfortunately, the twin who was hospitalized last then committed suicide.

Another comment which I really enjoyed, perhaps the comment I enjoyed the best was from a doctor who said, "You are saying that when we are seeing one twin in our office we actually have the other twin present." I said, “That is really accurate.” Actually, I have to admit that I have called a twin by his brother's name. Maybe this is because the shadow of the twin is in my mind.

Saturday, October 20, I am giving a presentation at the International Association for Psychoanalytic Self Psychology (IAPSP) in Washington, D.C.

The title is “Alone in the Mirror: Twins in Therapy.” I am very thankful to be invited to this conference.

"In a time of e-books, self-publishing, and streams of blogs, the issue of text validation is paramount. Publishers today are more selective in what they publish than ever before. They are aware of the contradiction --- multiple sources, but a shortage of those books where the authors thoroughly know their subjects. Alone in the Mirror is such a rare find, a text one can turn to with confidence by an author whose personal life, education and professional practice uniquely enable her to authoritatively share new light on the nature of being a twin, the conditions for successful parenting of twins, and ways to help both twins and their caregivers as they confront situations related to mental health and well-being.

The reader will find what relevant science tells us about twins, but more than that, Dr. Klein shares her personal developmental life, vividly enabling the reader to experience life as a twin. And through first-hand case studies of twins and caregivers in therapeutic sessions, one gains understanding of difficulties confronted and the most promising routes to resolving them. The reader will gain new knowledge of individualization in twins and the importance of accepting their individual differences. Reading the exposition and the engaging moving narratives, one is awakened to the importance of twin attachment and how attachment in twins plays out at different periods in their lives. Many readers will be surprised by what is good and bad parenting and the likely effects upon the twins. Among the many nuggets in this book, one can learn how all of us might better our friendship with a twin.

Alone in the Mirror is not only unique in its comprehensiveness --- presenting scientific content together with its relevance for professional practitioners, for twins as well as their loved ones, for associates and those seeking enlightenment about the world of twins --- it is written as a humanity illuminating central problems of life and death and responding to them in inspiring ways.
"
    
John D. McNeil
Professor Emeritus
Graduate School of Education & Information Studies
UCLA