Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Prowise magazine in Japan interviewed me because of my experience with gifted children and adults and twins. Hitachi Solutions was the sponsor/publisher, and the publication was edited and printed by Nikkei BP Consulting.

Q.  Please tell us how we should understand one’s “gift”? Is it something you are born with? Or is it something nurtured in the environment or by training?

A.  A gift is something that’s given – so, naturally it has to be genetic – it comes from the parents. A gift is a special ability to do something – and there are so many different kinds of gifts – not just one kind of gift. Musical gifts, artistic gifts, intellectual gifts – imagination, creativity – so, it’s a very broad spectrum of abilities. But, I think it definitely is genetically determined.

Q.  What should parents look for to identify giftedness?

A.  You can determine giftedness simply by whether the child is able to perform two or three years above their grade-level. One of the common intelligence tests currently used was developed by Alfred Binet. This method looks at the child’s age in relation to the child’s ability. In general, I think it’s fair to say that the child who’s achieving above grade-level in a particular area, that is a good indication of his giftedness.

One of the attributes of giftedness are the verbal skills. For example, a 9-months old boy calls flowers in the backyard “bougainvilleas,” not just “flowers;” you can probably say that this child is gifted. Ability to focus is another important point. Often children will show tremendous capacity for concentration. Playing with blocks, learning the alphabet, playing piano, reading books, etcetera. Whatever the interest may be, if a child shows remarkable ability to focus, it may be an indication of giftedness.

Another thing is perfectionism. If the task is something the child is interested in, it’s important for him to master that task perfectly and completely, without any mistakes. You will often see that tendency in gifted children.

Q.  Could you tell us how one can develop the gift?

A.  I think that parenting in number one. Giftedness is not a flower that magically blooms without water. The gifted child must be nurtured, with much love and care, to reach his or her true potential.

There isn’t one sure way to develop the gift. It really depends on the individual. The most valuable source of information will be your child’s interest and inclinations. Encourage your child to find his or her passions. Provide the opportunity to experience many different things and expand their interests.

Raising a gifted child is like planting and caring for a special garden. Beautiful and complicated gardens need gardeners who make careful decisions about what to plant, given the soil quality and environmental conditions. A garden has to be reevaluated after each growing season, after the gardener gets a sense of what is doing well and what is not thriving. Nurturing the giftedness is very similar to that.

Q.  Is there any particular educational methods or settings for gifted children?

A.  It’s hard to prescribe just one method. There are children who would be better suited for particular methods. There are others who are perfectly suited in a traditional setting. But I can give you some different examples of ideal educational environments. For example, learning in groups with peers in similar intellectual levels. By working together, they learn from each other. The children are allowed to explore their passions – and they’re not ostracized or bullied – they’re treated as the whole child.

What’s important is that they’re happy at school – and they’re happy learning what they’re learning. That’s when you know you have the right match. Whether you are a twin or an only child, encourage them to develop a passion and expand their wings. That’s what’s important.

With the increased use of fertility drugs, it is not uncommon for parents to have twins and triplets in today’s world. However, it can be stressful to raise multiples.

Parents must be efficient and organized with their time to be able to provide care for their children and to also save their sanity. Additionally, understanding the deep and primary bond that multiples share is incredibly important so that parents can support their children’s healthy development and emotional well-being. If parents grasp how twins and triplets relate to their parents—and to one another—their job as parents will be easier and more successful.

http://expertbeacon.com/advice-raising-emotionally-happy-and-healthy-twins-and-triplets/#.UoqPj41GkVA

If your gifted child has reached the teenage years, you certainly already know that the preschool years and kindergarten can be very trying for both parents and children who are precocious. But after that, to make a long story short, parents have finally gotten their school age children settled down and calm. There is a schedule and predictable routine in place regarding activities, homework, and friendships. And the house runs relatively smoothly. Or if not—if there is confusion, anxiety, and disappointment about achievement and friendships—there is help to be found through school special needs programs, tutors, and psychologists.

When the teenage years arrive there is a resurgence of emotional intensity related to changes in the way teens think about the world. Added to changes in cognitive processing are changes in hormones that create sexual developmental changes and interests and even more emotionality or moodiness. A new search for identity—for who your teen is in this world—begins in a dramatic way. Adolescents, because they are so barraged by new ways of thinking about their world, feel vulnerable and are extremely self-conscious. Far too often teenagers feel like they are the center of the universe and act as if they are being viewed by an adoring audience that expects them to be perfect.

The change in cognitive development from thinking concretely about the present, seen in school age children, to a future orientation, based on the ability to think abstractly, is distinctive and dramatic. The teenager begins to ask questions of the world that will diminish his or her respect for authority. The teen can question his or her parents’ ideas which were more easily accepted as a younger child. Fighting with parents that always was routine is intensified. School and other accepted authorities are no longer given as much credence. A new epoch begins which can be horrifying if you don’t have some insight into why it is happening. Even with a great deal of understanding and knowledge dealing with gifted teenagers can be a downright nightmare. And if you think that I am exaggerating you are one lucky parent.    

The normal developmental changes that all preteens and teenagers go through are difficult to deal with for any family. Gifted children can be even more perplexing because they are more idealistic, intense, perfectionistic, and sensitive which can make their search for identity more difficult to understand and contend with. Persistence and focus on particular ideas or people can be mind boggling. When concentration is focused productively these fascinations can lead to career and relationship choices. But when their fascinations are out of line with mainstream life, gifted kids can get tangled up in destructive preoccupations and lifestyles. Parents of gifted teenagers who can make no inroads to restoring logic at home are often infuriated and exasperated beyond belief. Their own awesome abilities in the world have become almost useless at home.
    
Just as in childhood, social issues for bright and talented children need to be monitored. Gifted teenagers can be made to feel like outsiders or nerds or weirdos by more insecure and aggressive peers. Bullying is very common and demoralizing. Finding new friends, mentors, and teachers is critical as well as holding onto old friendships. Isolation for gifted teens never leads to any good outcomes. Often, school phobias develop and require interventions from mental health professionals. Healthy social interactions can lead to productivity in this period, but self-consciousness and moodiness may lead to dangerous early sexual behavior (either “live” or online), drug use, or identification with a non-conformist culture, which includes dropping out of school.

Managing your gifted teenager’s demanding behavior, self-consciousness, and moodiness with his or her need for love, attention, and validation is very hard to do. I sometimes wonder how I ever lived through this time with my own children. Think of your 100-pound son or daughter having a two-year-old style temper tantrum that is out of control and impossible to stop. Or, you might imagine that you are trying to navigate a raging river that is leading to a calmer sea.

Having family rules that are realistic and firm for this developmental stage will help contain some of the anxiety, uproar, and antagonistic behavior of your once-sensible child. Here are some ideas for structuring your family life.

1.  Set up new limits and consequences for your teens that give them a little more freedom but also take into account family and school responsibilities.
2.  Find a working system of accountability so you and your child understand and maybe even agree upon what is getting done and what needs to get done.
3.  Be positive about your child’s success because this helps to diminish or control self-consciousness.
4.  Empathize with your child’s point of view because it will make them feel understood and valuable. Don’t give in to your teenager. Handle problems and solutions in a matter-of-fact way.
5.  Avoid screaming matches and humiliation at all costs.
6.  Hold family meetings on a regular basis that take all of the family members’ issues into account. Remember, parents need to make changes and listen to their kids’ requests.
7.  Find quiet time to talk with your son or daughter about things big or small. Just have talking time.
8.  Family life should still be important even when your house is filled with extra friends.
9.  Take family vacations that focus on your teenager’s interests when possible.

Raising gifted children is an extremely important parental challenge. Many parents wonder: How can I challenge my children to use their gifts? How do I support my child emotionally? How do I pick the best school? How do I get teachers and administrators to care about my child’s special needs? And what do I do next to develop my child’s potential?

While it can be rewarding to raise a curious, sensitive and introspective child, it is also a difficult task. Parents need a great deal of stamina, patience, introspection, fearlessness and endless support.

Raising a gifted child is similar to trying to get yourself out of a maze--you are never sure what obstacle you are going to run into, but you assume there is most likely one around the next bend. The key to success is following several important ground rules.

http://expertbeacon.com/understanding-unique-characteristics-gifted-children/#.Umq1ZSQmW_A

Parents of multiples often call me in a state of panic or confusion. “My twins are so different from the other children at school and in the neighborhood. They rely on one another so intently. And then they fight like cats and dogs. What is wrong with my twins? What am I doing wrong?”
 
I am not surprised by concerned phone calls, which seem normal and understandable. I always say calmly, “Twins do develop differently than single children.” Then I hear, “Why are you the only one who gets this? The pediatrician and teachers are very concerned with their dramatics and intense relationship to one another. But I am concerned about how angry they can be with each other.”

Here is what I have learned because I am a twin and a psychologist and author of three books on twins. Because I wanted to know if my relationship with my twin was normal for other twins, I did research and consulted with twins for more than thirty years.

Twins do develop differently because they share a deep and primary attachment. Often young twins can feel inseparable. Alongside closeness, twins and triplets also have to share their parents’ attention. Vying for attention from mom and dad creates competition and intensifies their fighting. So, as much as twins love, need, and rely on one another, they are equally vulnerable to feeling “less than” the other twin and angry that they are not the favored child.  

Twins and triplets are born married and share a special way of communicating both verbally and nonverbally. Multiples get comfort and a sense of stability from being together. Twins understand each other without words and think that other people will be able to understand them as their twin does. The comfort twins receive from each other makes them rely on one another and causes them to suffer from intense separation anxiety at different times in their lives. Forming relationships that are nontwin-like can be very difficult for twins of all ages.

Fighting between twins can be very exasperating for the twins, parents, teachers, babysitters, nannies, and relatives who have to live through these explosions. Trying to understand what the fighting is about and helping settle disputes as fairly as possible is seriously important. Twins need to learn to disagree and get over their disappointment with each other. When too much fighting goes on between twins in adulthood, there is an erosion of their bond.

Parents can help by:
1.  Seeing each child as unique and developing a special relationship with each child, which might include special interests, games, stories, and trips to visit friends or relatives.
2.  Give each child their own space in your home. If you can’t give them their own bedrooms then make clear what spaces are not for sharing.
3.  Give your children separate clothes and toys that belong to only one of them.
4.  Make rules about sharing and stick with these rules.
5.  Pay attention to each child separately so they do not feel as competitive with each other. While this may seem like it is impossible to do, the extra effort will reduce fighting among the pair.
6.  Learn each child’s strength and limits and work on these separately but with the same conviction.
While twins rely on one another naturally, still be aware of too much sharing and caring. Too much closeness limits their interests in socializing with other children.
7.  Don’t worry that your twins are developing differently than other children―because they are―and that is normal and OK.     

Teachers can help by:
1.  Seeing each child as an individual in their own right.
2.  Avoiding comparing the twins in any way.
3.  Valuing each child’s unique learning styles.
4.  Trying to understand why the children may be fighting.
5.  Encouraging separate social experiences at school and after school.
 
Remember to be patient with twins when they are upset because they are used to instant understanding and take misunderstandings more seriously than nontwins.

Parents of gifted children need help finding the right school. It can be confusing thinking about the best options for a learning environment that will challenge your child and also guide him or her through their challenges. You are not alone.

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As the school year starts, parents are faced with the same old problems of homework, complaints of boredom, and/or school anxiety. Friendship and bullying issues begin again. Waiting for problems to get better never helps solve the issues. Making changes by adding help for your child is very important. Consider tutoring, joining my parenting group, or coming in for a consultation!

Last year I saw more anxious children who spent way too much time on electronics than I can ever remember. Homework that needed to be completed was an afterthought. So, as I reflect on my experiences with children and parents, I feel confident about making the following suggestions.

1.  Limit your children’s screen time drastically when school starts. Screens can become an addiction for youngsters and adolescents who need to be doing their homework or playing with friends or engaged in creative activities such art, music, or dramatics. Sporting activities cannot be replaced by computer games. Your child may resist and protest in anger and frustration your attempts to put the screens to sleep. You have to win this argument.

2.  Make a household rule that homework is done first. Make clear that how and when homework is completed is your decision and not a negotiable issue. Do not let your child’s responsibilities become a battleground between parent and child.

3.  Don’t over-schedule your child. Too much to do is just too much pressure for everyone; nothing good will come of this strategy.

4.  Find a special time to talk with your child every day about school, friends and special interests that your child loves to explore. Develop a narrative with your child where you tell them what happened in last week’s conversation. This will give your child a sense that what they are thinking and doing is important to you.

5.  Protect your child from family disharmony as much as possible. Children and teenagers worry about their parent’s problems with health, money and work.

6.  If your child needs help with social, educational or emotional challenges, make an effort to find the appropriate support.  

As the school year comes into focus, parents are starting to think about how to make sure that their son or daughter does well in their new classroom with new classmates, new teachers and a more challenging curriculum. I am suggesting that parents plan to evaluate how the year is proceeding even if careful and serious consideration was given to school choice.

Promotional materials that private and public schools develop and use for marketing can be honest or deceptive. Always, there are personal and interpersonal relationships with classmates, teachers, administrators and other children’s parents that will not come alive until school starts.

Parents sometimes have a hard time believing that visiting the school of choice, reading its mission statement, attending school welcome events, and even talking to other parents who already send their children to the school is not enough to predict their child’s happiness and success. Well, I can tell you from my experiences with families and schools for over 30 years that promotional materials and first introductions are never enough. What one family values for their child may be very different than what another family values or expects. Differences in attitude, expectations and values alongside administrative policies determine the course of the school year and your child’s intellectual and emotional growth.  

Recently, I was at a promotional school event. Helen’s son Ryan got accepted into the primary grades last year at Royal Road School. Helen said that she noticed that her son seemed to be having fewer and fewer toys in his bedroom. She figured out, from talking to the other mothers, that Ryan was giving his toys away so the boys who were being bullies would leave him alone. Ryan was buying his way out of being teased. He was learning that giving away his good possessions was a way to fit in and make friends.

I was of course horrified and shocked that Helen was not up in arms with the teachers and administrators about the seriousness of this bullying problem. I said to her, “You must be enraged to be paying $30,000 a year for this type of educational community.” But Helen wanted to be a part of the high status Royal Road “family.” She turned a blind eye to the bullying issue. Helen was over-valuing the reputation of the school.

There are more stories that I could tell about the bullying that goes on at every school I have ever consulted with. Suffice it to say, bullying is a problem at all public and private schools because it is a part of how children, who learn from their parents’ examples, are socialized. How the issue is dealt with is in the hands of teachers, administrators and specialists. Keep this in mind as you think about how your child is doing at school. Having friends is certainly an issue for gifted children, who naturally prefer adults who understand them better than their same-aged peers. If your child is unhappy about something that is going on at school, it is safe to suspect bullying might be a part of the problem. If bullying is happening, talk about it with the school and your child. Don’t let the mean behavior of others erode your child’s love of learning and school. Confront the bullying issue with tact and persistence.

Here are some ways to detect bullying:

1.  Your child has considerable anxiety about going to school.
2.  Your child tells you, “No one plays with me.”
3.  Your child is reluctant to do their homework or other school-related projects.
4.  Your child is hyperactive or withdrawn at school.

What you can do:

1.  Talk to your child calmly about what is going on at school.
2.  If you are concerned, ask for a meeting with the teacher.
3.  Work on making playdates with kids at school, in the neighborhood, or at extracurricular activities.
4.  If the situation persists, ask for a meeting with the principal to find out school policy on handling bullying. All schools have outside resources. You can request a behavioral observation.
5.  If you are not satisfied with the results of the interventions for bullying, seek out the advice and help of a psychologist or educational consultant.