Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

By Jennifer de la Haye for the Institute for Educational Advancement

1. Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

2. Encyclopedia Brown series by Donald Sobol

3. Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh

4. Bartholomew and the Oobleck by Dr. Seuss

5. The Boxcar Children series created by Gertrude Chandler Warner

http://educationaladvancement.wordpress.com/2014/04/01/five-great-childrens-books-for-gifted-kids/

Asynchronous development is the definition of giftedness according to phenomenological psychologists. In other words, if you have a gifted child she or he will have asynchronous development—high abilities and lower abilities. The discrepancy in their abilities creates confusion about how to learn what does not come immediately. Because quick thinking is the rule for gifted kids, they become self-conscious and unsure about how to proceed when they need to learn something that is harder to learn. Precocious children face some situations at school without having strategies for problem-solving. They give up on a task if they don’t know how to do it immediately. Helping your child deal with non-immediate answer retrieval can be the biggest challenge the parent has. Incidentally, the brighter the child the greater the span of learning abilities, which gets worse as the child becomes older. Eventually avoidant behavior becomes a defense for not completing their work.
    Parents call me with two common questions that reflect asynchronous development. First, these parents ask, “Why does my son have all of the behavioral characteristics of a gifted child and yet he is not able to read?” Another recurring question is, “Why does my daughter, who is a strong reader, have so much difficulty going to school and playing with the other children.”
    My answer to parents’ questions is, “asynchronous development.” Maturity levels between an exceptional talent and social skills overlap at different rates and create learning problems that easily become fixed in place by the tidal wave of perfectionism. Here are some common examples of actual problems.
    Aidan, who is seven, is able to understand the abstract and intellectual issues of a ten-year-old. Emotionally his maturity is that of a five-year-old. The span between ten years and five years creates frustration for parents and teachers. Aidan gets easily discouraged and wants to run away from his classroom. He gets agitated and acts out his anger with other children on the playground. Aidan prefers to stay home. Teachers do not know how to contain Aidan’s anger.
    Marcy is only eight years old but she is able to read at a high school level. Her art projects are detailed and imaginative. She loves math. Marcy has a hard time going to school as she misses her mother and has difficulty making friends. Marcy chooses to stay in the library during recess and lunch.     
    Keep in mind that having highs and lows are both worthy of your attention. Let your child know you can help, no matter what the issue. Be positive about teaching your child to solve his learning challenges as he will give up if you give up.

I hear stories all of the time from parents about how hard it is to get their young children’s teeth brushed and to get them into bed. The reading ritual can get out of control, and your “darling” child can manipulate you to stay in their room just a little bit longer. This behavior is the forerunner to avoidant behavior and procrastination. Actually, procrastination is a red flag that the gifted child is having emotional issues with perfectionism, school work or whatever else he or she is avoiding, such as fitting in socially. The longer and more embedded the problem with avoidance becomes, the more serious an issue it can be for the advancement of education and emotional well-being. As well, social and school frustration can lead to despair and clinical depression.
    Procrastination is a way of protecting the child from feeling incomplete or damaged—imperfect. While this defensive behavior is not necessarily a conscious decision, the behavior is carried through with great vigor and determination. This incredibly frustrating behavior is based on anxiety and fear, and will look different in different situations. Here are some pattens of procrastination that I have heard of while consulting with parents of gifted children. Some children manifest one or two forms of procrastination. Others, at one time or another, manifest all forms of procrastination.

The Fearful Child
    While all gifted children are highly sensitive to separation from their families, the fearful child has greater difficulty getting involved with other children and new environments. Both boys and girls can have deep fears that keep them from being developmentally independent. Their extreme attachment to their parents and siblings keeps the child from developing appropriate social skills. It is hard to know when their fearfulness becomes avoidance and procrastination, but eventually fear does lead to procrastination.
    Emmy has always stuck by my side no matter where we go. At the park, at school, at her grandparent’s house she clings to me. I don't know what to do. —Jackie
     Marty is afraid to go anywhere without me. He likes hanging out with his sister and grandparents. Yesterday when we were at the toy store we saw one of his friends from school. Marty was terrified to even say hello. He ran to hide behind me. I have to stay with him at preschool longer than the other mothers. —Anita
    Olivia relies on her brother to do her talking for her and she is in 3rd grade now. I am afraid to separate them. If I keep them together I know it is not good for my son to take care of Olivia, who needs to learn to speak up. —Helene
    Obviously, helping fearful gifted children to be more confident is extremely important to their development academically and socially. But fearful children present unique problems that are best dealt with in school settings where teachers and administrators are knowledgeable about how to bring out initiative. I always recommend a progressive and developmental school. When fearfulness intrudes on schooling, psychological interventions may be necessary.

The “I Can’t Do It” Child
    This is the gifted kid who has learned to be helpless because the mother and father are over-identified with their child’s struggles. These parents confuse their issues with their child’s issues and let their child get away with being lazy and giving up.
    Pablo likes me to help him with his school work. He won’t do any work on his own without some support from a tutor or teacher. He is falling behind even though he is extremely bright and capable of working on his own. The teacher thinks Pablo is lazy and that I am not involved enough in their day to day care. I have to work and I have a great nanny. —Donna
    Matthew feels helpless in new situations. And he has to be sure that other children will play with him before we leave him for a play date. Sometimes he is so bossy and demanding that other children don’t want to follow his rules of playing. We keep trying to encourage playdates. —Alison
    These mothers and fathers have realized, a little too late, that they need to have more realistic expectations for their children. The parents will need the support of teachers and therapists to help their child want to learn to be independent. Learned helplessness is different from “fear” because it is based on an established pattern of thought, which is more difficult to diffuse.
 
The “Uber” Independent Child
    The uber-independent child is introverted and careful, a child who has few friends and can be very comfortable playing in the corner or on the sidelines. It is not unusual for this type of child to have problems being overwhelmed when in large groups. Because they can be sensitive to what others expect, they keep to themselves, even with adults. Jeannie shares her daughter’s issues, which are very similar to other uber-independent gifted kids.
     Perfectionism and procrastination manifest in our daughter as anxiety. There is never enough time. And no matter the content, the result is never what she could really do. If she has four weeks to create a writing assignment she will wait till the last days. She says she is allowing the formulation in her mind to grow and that not a word can be typed until it is fully formed. There is always stress around the first print out. There has never been enough time to fully execute what she has imagined in its perfect and proper form. —Jeannie
    Leslie has to get the answer of her own. We try to help her with her school work and even with cleaning up her bedroom, but she refuses to let us help her. No matter how anxious she is about what needs to be done, she knows that she is always the best at everything and that no one can help her.  —Alison
    The stubbornness of the independent gifted child is really hard to deal with no matter what secret strategies you employ or what enlightened experts you consult with. Driven and persistent in their inability to listen to others, this intense stubbornness is based on an unshakeable belief that the child is right about everything. Know-it-all behavior is so compelling that the independent gifted child is hard to reason with; often, these smart kids get into trouble with authority figures. While defiance is not the root of their problem to begin with, gradually, if this type of grandiosity is not dealt with at school and at home, it does turn into defiance and anti-social behavior.
    Setting limits and following through with consequences for not getting work completed is essential. Labeling their procrastination and stubbornness is also a good tool to reduce their certainty in themselves.

The Dreamer
    The dreamer is the child who is happy to be making up his personal solutions to projects he develops on his own based on imagination and creativity. The dreamer has difficulty getting his work completed on time or at all. Procrastination is entangled with intense curiosity. However, the dreamer is not as defiant as the uber-independent child. Reasoning with the dreamer can help him or her to become more based on a realistic sense of self.
    My son Alan has perfect ideas—wild, creative ideas about how he would like to conceive a project. He can spend all of his time thinking, dreaming, and planning. None of his time is spent doing the project. In the end he has no time to implement any of his ideas or very few because he spent so much time thinking about what he wanted to do. —John
    My daughter Eleanor is interested in black holes and that is all she wants to talk about. Elli dreams she will become an astronaut and go into outer space some day. —Kevin
    Dreamers need to learn “time on task” in order to learn the basics of school and to develop their potential. Setting up a predictable structure for these children is usually enough to get them to do their school work. Making sure they stay on task is a necessity.

The Critic
     This type of gifted child is critical of what is being given to him or her to work on. They don’t want to do their homework because it is dumb or not interesting or boring. Single-minded in their disdain for stupidity, parents have difficulty motivating them to do simple tasks and get them out of the way. This form of procrastination can infuriate parents and teachers alike. Consequences are necessary to get this behavior under control.
    Jenny likes to procrastinate on school work that she feels is a waste of her time. She says that the work is too easy and she would rather be doing something else. —Brigette
    Scarlett often feels insulted or offended by how easy her homework is, and easy homework makes her procrastinate. She would rather sit down and stare into space than do homework that she considers boring. —Betty
    Procrastination based on criticism of the work that needs to be done can be confusing to parents and teachers. Mistakenly some parents agree with their child without thinking about how much power they are giving to their child. The critic is making himself the authority on what needs to be done. At the same time, they are trying to get out of doing what they fear they are not good at. There can be a great deal of confusion and manipulation and over-identification in this type of procrastination.

 The Troublemaker
    “Is my child deaf?” This type of child is a negative attention seeker. The troublemaker has felt ignored by his or her parents. And this parental question (“Is my child deaf?”) is usually a sign of a child who gets their own way by directly ignoring and enraging their parents. I have never meet a deaf child who is seeking negative attention. This subtle type of manipulation is not mean spirited. It is based on an emotional intensity that is sensitive to rejection. It is actually a way of getting negative attention from mom and dad, which seems better than just being ignored. Once this negative pattern of getting their own way begins to work for the child, this type of reaction is hard to stop. Negative attention seekers have difficulty with teachers and friends. Most likely they are not getting the love they need at home.
    Angelina and I had a huge fight and Angie started swearing and screaming. In frustration I took a wash cloth and washed my daughter’s mouth out with soap.—Julie
    Daisy does not like to eat dinner at the dinner table. Every night she makes a scene and is sent to her room. In her room alone she will tear up all of her homework and than come out and scream at her mother and me.—Jonathan
    Sadie said that she could not sleep alone in her own bed. We tried everything but locking her door. Every night she would end up sleeping in our bedroom. This went on for years until she was sent away to sleep away camp, where she learned to sleep without us.—Friedrich
    Children who use negative angry behavior to get their own way usually suffer from feelings of being unworthy of their parents’ love because they have been ignored. Psychotherapy to deal with issues of self-esteem are usually necessary to make this behavior diminish. School phobias and refusal to sleep alone are difficult issues to resolve quickly.
 
Attention Seekers
    This type of procrastination is hard to figure out when it first starts as a way of self-expression.
Attention seekers learn that looking for attention in a dramatic and creative way is extremely rewarding. Their “show off” behavior can alienate peers and teachers. Parents may be more entertained by their child’s dramatic and creative adventures but gradually they tire of it, and see that it is a way of changing the direction of what needs to be accomplished.
    Paul knew that he would get attention from his father if he wrote a story that was a part of his homework for next week. Paul loves to write out and tell stories that are long and detailed. As a way of getting attention he wrote up a pretend assignment to get his father’s attention. The teacher did not accept the story as a part of the homework assignment. —Erin
    Dotty likes to procrastinate so that she gets attention from her parents. She does not like to make choices about what she wants to wear, or will try on multiple outfits. What to wear goes on and on, and she is only four. Dotty knows that we will intervene and help her pick out her clothes and get dressed, even though she is capable of doing this herself. —Brenda
    Attention seekers have parents who are indecisive about what in is their child’s best interest and reinforce dramatic behavior when this dramatic behavior is inappropriate.

I will be speaking at the Anaheim Marriott on Sunday at 1:30 pm for the annual convention of the California Association for the Gifted. My topic is: "How Perfectionism Undermines Persistence."

http://www.cagifted.org/events/event_details.asp?id=344299

http://drbarbaraklein.squarespace.com/how-perfectionism-undermines-p/

    Learning to deal with the emotional intensity of a smart and talented child or adolescent takes a lot of energy, time, patience, and understanding. Eventually, parents learn to accept their son or daughter’s emotional quirkiness. Parents, teachers, and therapists need to keep in mind that cognitive strength and cognitive complexity gives rise to emotional depth and profound feelings that the child or adolescent needs to express, or rather, is compelled to talk about in detail. In other words, smart children who have high IQs or creative talents not only think differently—more quickly and profoundly—but their feeling states have a more vivid and encompassing quality of intensity that needs to be expressed and listened to. For example, when your preschooler says goodbye to you, she behaves like she is falling apart because she imagines that you will never return. But your child will calm down. Or when a young gifted child sees a homeless person, he feels and thinks that he needs to save the homeless person or solve the problem of homelessness. You need to explain that homelessness is not a problem that children can solve.
    From reading and watching movies about race horses, I liken the parenting process of raising a gifted kid to training a high strung race horse. And I say this because, as smart and as precocious your kids are, is unfortunately or fortunately (depending on your state of mind) as intense as they may become in any given situation that triggers emotional confusion and stress. The stallion needs a horse whisperer and the gifted chid needs a parent whisperer. Calming down and refocusing the emotionally intense child is a serious challenge. It is truly a steep learning curve that parents have to navigate as they try to give their son or daughter the tools they will need to reach their potential. There is no one-size-fits-all direction that all parents can follow at all times. But, in general, alongside calmness and structure at home, appropriate schooling and socialization are obviously crucial tools. Without a doubt I can say it is not as easy for parents of gifted kids to find a school and social match as it is for the neighbor’s children, who have an easier time fitting in.
    While the intensity of a spirited smart child is common and predictable, the degree of his or her emotional reactivity can be confusing to parents, teachers, and specialists. In desperation to end the confusion about emotional reactivity, this gifted problem is often misunderstood and mislabeled with a psychiatric diagnosis. Books and internet articles are written on the differences between gifted children, autistic spectrum disorder, and attention deficit disorder because children who have intense feelings are singled out as having difficult-to-handle emotional and behavioral problems. Social-emotional and learning issues of gifted children are very different from issues of children with autism or hyperactivity. Correct diagnostic labels are critical because they prescribe the school and home environment that best fits the child’s special learning needs. For example, boredom in smart children who are perfectionistic will lead to underachievement. Most people do not understand that boredom in gifted kids is common when they are not in the right school environment. Teachers and administrators very often misunderstand underachievement as “this child is just not as smart as his parents think.” As well, difficulty making friends and getting bullied—socialization issues—are very very common but evolve out of feeling misunderstood by peers, not developmental delays related to autistic spectrum disorder.
    The spirited child’s sensitivity to people and events around them can be alarming to the uninformed and uneducated teacher, caregiver, grandparent or any other person who gets a glimpse of their intense feelings and “over the top behavior.” The smart and spirited kid’s behavior and mood is often called over-reactive and lacking in perspective because of the depth of feelings that are manifested for a simple situation. “Harry, you need to brush your teeth now,” can become an opportunity for war with his parents if Harry does not want to stop what he is doing. Likewise, “Jack, you need to complete your school work,” can become a totally nonsensical position for a parent to request if the child finds homework boring or meaningless. “Sofia, let’s turn out the lights and go to bed,” is an impossible simple task if Sofia suffers from intense separation anxiety and truly believes that she cannot be alone.
    And to make matters worse and more confusing for parents of the quick and astute child, the child sometimes actually knows when he is creating problems, stops misbehaving, and helps out his mom or dad. Temporarily, the child’s reasonable and empathic behavior allows the parent to feel relieved and happy. The exhausted and frustrated parent has a glimmer of hope and thinks that her child is not a manipulative tyrant. Harry decides he can brush his teeth. Jack gets started on his homework. Sofia goes to sleep in her own room. The roller coaster is on the level part of the track. But quickly the child forgets to be empathic to her parents and reverts back to her original position wanting her own way. Graceful behavior goes by the wayside. And tyrannical attitudes take over again.

Prowise magazine in Japan interviewed me because of my experience with gifted children and adults and twins. Hitachi Solutions was the sponsor/publisher, and the publication was edited and printed by Nikkei BP Consulting.

Q.  Please tell us how we should understand one’s “gift”? Is it something you are born with? Or is it something nurtured in the environment or by training?

A.  A gift is something that’s given – so, naturally it has to be genetic – it comes from the parents. A gift is a special ability to do something – and there are so many different kinds of gifts – not just one kind of gift. Musical gifts, artistic gifts, intellectual gifts – imagination, creativity – so, it’s a very broad spectrum of abilities. But, I think it definitely is genetically determined.

Q.  What should parents look for to identify giftedness?

A.  You can determine giftedness simply by whether the child is able to perform two or three years above their grade-level. One of the common intelligence tests currently used was developed by Alfred Binet. This method looks at the child’s age in relation to the child’s ability. In general, I think it’s fair to say that the child who’s achieving above grade-level in a particular area, that is a good indication of his giftedness.

One of the attributes of giftedness are the verbal skills. For example, a 9-months old boy calls flowers in the backyard “bougainvilleas,” not just “flowers;” you can probably say that this child is gifted. Ability to focus is another important point. Often children will show tremendous capacity for concentration. Playing with blocks, learning the alphabet, playing piano, reading books, etcetera. Whatever the interest may be, if a child shows remarkable ability to focus, it may be an indication of giftedness.

Another thing is perfectionism. If the task is something the child is interested in, it’s important for him to master that task perfectly and completely, without any mistakes. You will often see that tendency in gifted children.

Q.  Could you tell us how one can develop the gift?

A.  I think that parenting in number one. Giftedness is not a flower that magically blooms without water. The gifted child must be nurtured, with much love and care, to reach his or her true potential.

There isn’t one sure way to develop the gift. It really depends on the individual. The most valuable source of information will be your child’s interest and inclinations. Encourage your child to find his or her passions. Provide the opportunity to experience many different things and expand their interests.

Raising a gifted child is like planting and caring for a special garden. Beautiful and complicated gardens need gardeners who make careful decisions about what to plant, given the soil quality and environmental conditions. A garden has to be reevaluated after each growing season, after the gardener gets a sense of what is doing well and what is not thriving. Nurturing the giftedness is very similar to that.

Q.  Is there any particular educational methods or settings for gifted children?

A.  It’s hard to prescribe just one method. There are children who would be better suited for particular methods. There are others who are perfectly suited in a traditional setting. But I can give you some different examples of ideal educational environments. For example, learning in groups with peers in similar intellectual levels. By working together, they learn from each other. The children are allowed to explore their passions – and they’re not ostracized or bullied – they’re treated as the whole child.

What’s important is that they’re happy at school – and they’re happy learning what they’re learning. That’s when you know you have the right match. Whether you are a twin or an only child, encourage them to develop a passion and expand their wings. That’s what’s important.

With the increased use of fertility drugs, it is not uncommon for parents to have twins and triplets in today’s world. However, it can be stressful to raise multiples.

Parents must be efficient and organized with their time to be able to provide care for their children and to also save their sanity. Additionally, understanding the deep and primary bond that multiples share is incredibly important so that parents can support their children’s healthy development and emotional well-being. If parents grasp how twins and triplets relate to their parents—and to one another—their job as parents will be easier and more successful.

http://expertbeacon.com/advice-raising-emotionally-happy-and-healthy-twins-and-triplets/#.UoqPj41GkVA

If your gifted child has reached the teenage years, you certainly already know that the preschool years and kindergarten can be very trying for both parents and children who are precocious. But after that, to make a long story short, parents have finally gotten their school age children settled down and calm. There is a schedule and predictable routine in place regarding activities, homework, and friendships. And the house runs relatively smoothly. Or if not—if there is confusion, anxiety, and disappointment about achievement and friendships—there is help to be found through school special needs programs, tutors, and psychologists.

When the teenage years arrive there is a resurgence of emotional intensity related to changes in the way teens think about the world. Added to changes in cognitive processing are changes in hormones that create sexual developmental changes and interests and even more emotionality or moodiness. A new search for identity—for who your teen is in this world—begins in a dramatic way. Adolescents, because they are so barraged by new ways of thinking about their world, feel vulnerable and are extremely self-conscious. Far too often teenagers feel like they are the center of the universe and act as if they are being viewed by an adoring audience that expects them to be perfect.

The change in cognitive development from thinking concretely about the present, seen in school age children, to a future orientation, based on the ability to think abstractly, is distinctive and dramatic. The teenager begins to ask questions of the world that will diminish his or her respect for authority. The teen can question his or her parents’ ideas which were more easily accepted as a younger child. Fighting with parents that always was routine is intensified. School and other accepted authorities are no longer given as much credence. A new epoch begins which can be horrifying if you don’t have some insight into why it is happening. Even with a great deal of understanding and knowledge dealing with gifted teenagers can be a downright nightmare. And if you think that I am exaggerating you are one lucky parent.    

The normal developmental changes that all preteens and teenagers go through are difficult to deal with for any family. Gifted children can be even more perplexing because they are more idealistic, intense, perfectionistic, and sensitive which can make their search for identity more difficult to understand and contend with. Persistence and focus on particular ideas or people can be mind boggling. When concentration is focused productively these fascinations can lead to career and relationship choices. But when their fascinations are out of line with mainstream life, gifted kids can get tangled up in destructive preoccupations and lifestyles. Parents of gifted teenagers who can make no inroads to restoring logic at home are often infuriated and exasperated beyond belief. Their own awesome abilities in the world have become almost useless at home.
    
Just as in childhood, social issues for bright and talented children need to be monitored. Gifted teenagers can be made to feel like outsiders or nerds or weirdos by more insecure and aggressive peers. Bullying is very common and demoralizing. Finding new friends, mentors, and teachers is critical as well as holding onto old friendships. Isolation for gifted teens never leads to any good outcomes. Often, school phobias develop and require interventions from mental health professionals. Healthy social interactions can lead to productivity in this period, but self-consciousness and moodiness may lead to dangerous early sexual behavior (either “live” or online), drug use, or identification with a non-conformist culture, which includes dropping out of school.

Managing your gifted teenager’s demanding behavior, self-consciousness, and moodiness with his or her need for love, attention, and validation is very hard to do. I sometimes wonder how I ever lived through this time with my own children. Think of your 100-pound son or daughter having a two-year-old style temper tantrum that is out of control and impossible to stop. Or, you might imagine that you are trying to navigate a raging river that is leading to a calmer sea.

Having family rules that are realistic and firm for this developmental stage will help contain some of the anxiety, uproar, and antagonistic behavior of your once-sensible child. Here are some ideas for structuring your family life.

1.  Set up new limits and consequences for your teens that give them a little more freedom but also take into account family and school responsibilities.
2.  Find a working system of accountability so you and your child understand and maybe even agree upon what is getting done and what needs to get done.
3.  Be positive about your child’s success because this helps to diminish or control self-consciousness.
4.  Empathize with your child’s point of view because it will make them feel understood and valuable. Don’t give in to your teenager. Handle problems and solutions in a matter-of-fact way.
5.  Avoid screaming matches and humiliation at all costs.
6.  Hold family meetings on a regular basis that take all of the family members’ issues into account. Remember, parents need to make changes and listen to their kids’ requests.
7.  Find quiet time to talk with your son or daughter about things big or small. Just have talking time.
8.  Family life should still be important even when your house is filled with extra friends.
9.  Take family vacations that focus on your teenager’s interests when possible.

Raising gifted children is an extremely important parental challenge. Many parents wonder: How can I challenge my children to use their gifts? How do I support my child emotionally? How do I pick the best school? How do I get teachers and administrators to care about my child’s special needs? And what do I do next to develop my child’s potential?

While it can be rewarding to raise a curious, sensitive and introspective child, it is also a difficult task. Parents need a great deal of stamina, patience, introspection, fearlessness and endless support.

Raising a gifted child is similar to trying to get yourself out of a maze--you are never sure what obstacle you are going to run into, but you assume there is most likely one around the next bend. The key to success is following several important ground rules.

http://expertbeacon.com/understanding-unique-characteristics-gifted-children/#.Umq1ZSQmW_A

Parents of multiples often call me in a state of panic or confusion. “My twins are so different from the other children at school and in the neighborhood. They rely on one another so intently. And then they fight like cats and dogs. What is wrong with my twins? What am I doing wrong?”
 
I am not surprised by concerned phone calls, which seem normal and understandable. I always say calmly, “Twins do develop differently than single children.” Then I hear, “Why are you the only one who gets this? The pediatrician and teachers are very concerned with their dramatics and intense relationship to one another. But I am concerned about how angry they can be with each other.”

Here is what I have learned because I am a twin and a psychologist and author of three books on twins. Because I wanted to know if my relationship with my twin was normal for other twins, I did research and consulted with twins for more than thirty years.

Twins do develop differently because they share a deep and primary attachment. Often young twins can feel inseparable. Alongside closeness, twins and triplets also have to share their parents’ attention. Vying for attention from mom and dad creates competition and intensifies their fighting. So, as much as twins love, need, and rely on one another, they are equally vulnerable to feeling “less than” the other twin and angry that they are not the favored child.  

Twins and triplets are born married and share a special way of communicating both verbally and nonverbally. Multiples get comfort and a sense of stability from being together. Twins understand each other without words and think that other people will be able to understand them as their twin does. The comfort twins receive from each other makes them rely on one another and causes them to suffer from intense separation anxiety at different times in their lives. Forming relationships that are nontwin-like can be very difficult for twins of all ages.

Fighting between twins can be very exasperating for the twins, parents, teachers, babysitters, nannies, and relatives who have to live through these explosions. Trying to understand what the fighting is about and helping settle disputes as fairly as possible is seriously important. Twins need to learn to disagree and get over their disappointment with each other. When too much fighting goes on between twins in adulthood, there is an erosion of their bond.

Parents can help by:
1.  Seeing each child as unique and developing a special relationship with each child, which might include special interests, games, stories, and trips to visit friends or relatives.
2.  Give each child their own space in your home. If you can’t give them their own bedrooms then make clear what spaces are not for sharing.
3.  Give your children separate clothes and toys that belong to only one of them.
4.  Make rules about sharing and stick with these rules.
5.  Pay attention to each child separately so they do not feel as competitive with each other. While this may seem like it is impossible to do, the extra effort will reduce fighting among the pair.
6.  Learn each child’s strength and limits and work on these separately but with the same conviction.
While twins rely on one another naturally, still be aware of too much sharing and caring. Too much closeness limits their interests in socializing with other children.
7.  Don’t worry that your twins are developing differently than other children―because they are―and that is normal and OK.     

Teachers can help by:
1.  Seeing each child as an individual in their own right.
2.  Avoiding comparing the twins in any way.
3.  Valuing each child’s unique learning styles.
4.  Trying to understand why the children may be fighting.
5.  Encouraging separate social experiences at school and after school.
 
Remember to be patient with twins when they are upset because they are used to instant understanding and take misunderstandings more seriously than nontwins.