Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Times have changed since I was a child growing up in the Jewish neighborhood of West Hollywood. Misbehaving over-reactive children usually knew their place in the home, because when kids were extremely bad and out of control they might be sent to the closet to calm down. There was a sense of decorum about family life and how to talk to your parents. We were taught to respect our parents and our misbehavior was usually done out of mom and dad’s line of vision.

Now―some 40 years later―I have mothers calling me from their closets seeking advice on what to do with their screaming son or daughter. Why are these parents hiding in the closet? Are they ashamed of themselves? No, these moms and dads are afraid of their children’s emotional outbursts (which are not always limited to words). The parents want to know what they should do next. They know that I will not shrink from their child’s unhappiness and rage. My answer to their question,  “Should I give into the tantrum or just let the child wind down?” varies depending on the situation. In other words, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. I know that once kids calm down you need to talk with them about what is upsetting them. A dialogue always helps prevent misunderstandings. Talking calmly is imperative.

Of course, not all phone calls from parents seeking advice about their gifted child come from the safety of the closet. Some calls come from cell phones after a difficult school evaluation or in frustration about emotional turmoil that seems over-reactive in degree to the task at hand―like getting along with a sister or doing homework or brushing their teeth or logging off the computer. Parents call me because they are trying to regain composure and make a plan to calm down their intense child, to get their child back to a good place where they can be reasonable and productive.

I believe that it is a sign of intelligence and caring when parents call distressed and unsure of themselves. It is certainly hard to know how to handle an out of control, intense, desperate child. More often than not the parent blames themselves because they don’t know how to deal with their sense of failure as a parent. “What did I do wrong?” is always in the first conversation. I tell parents that blaming themselves will not help. “How can I make my family life more reasonable?” comes next. Here are some steps to follow when you are at your wits’ end for whatever reason with your gifted and intense child or adolescent.

Step One
Figure out what triggered your entrance into the safety of your closet or what triggered your deep concern about your child’s behavior that led you to seek out help. When you are sure of your answer go to step two.

Step Two
Think about the best way to calm your child down without giving in. For example, you might say, “I can see how upset you are, let’s talk when you calm down.” Never get into your child’s anger and unhappiness when they are out of control. Use your detective skills much later when your child and you are calm. For example, you might feel like saying, “Your computer is going into the trunk of the car forever!!!” Don’t say this. Remain calm.

Step Three
As ridiculous as this may sound, try to normalize your child’s frustrating experience. Putting their issue into perspective will reduce their shame and calm them down even more. You could say, “Did you know that your brother had the same strong reaction as you when he had to sit still at school?”  Or, “I had the same problems as you had with my friends in first grade. I was bullied.”

Step Four
When your child or teenager is in a calm state of mind, talk with your them about what upset them and made them misbehave. If your child tries to pretend that it didn’t happen or that it was just “stuff” that was bothering him/her, you still need to work hard to find the root of the problem. Is your child’s problem his homework, friends, electronics, or you?
     
Step Five
Establish your authority in any way you can and set limits and consequences even when your know-it- all child does not stop arguing with you about how he didn’t mean to do it or won’t do it again. Check on your child’s progress with his/her issue. Talk about what is getting better and what needs work.

Step Six
Give your intervention time to take hold. If you feel stuck and unsuccessful, look for expert help.

    “It is never stopping. It is continuous. Endless questions, introspection, analysis and a hot energy that prevails during the daytime and into the night. My son’s intensity extends to relationships with friends and family. Andy possess a deep need to be in control and controlling as he tries to force his ideas on others, yet at the same time he has an equal interest in caring for and nurturing others. My son has an intense need to find a place in the world. He is a negotiator who wants what is right for the world.”―Leeanne

    Learning to deal with the emotional intensity of a smart and talented child or adolescent takes a lot of energy, time, patience, understanding. Eventually parents learn to accept their son or daughter’s  emotional quirkiness. Parents, teachers, and therapists need to keep in mind that cognitive strength and cognitive complexity gives rise to emotional depth and profound feelings that the child or adolescent needs to express, or, rather, is compelled to talk about in detail. In other words, smart children who have high IQ’s or creative talents not only think differently―more quickly and profoundly, but their feeling states have a more vivid and encompassing quality of intensity that needs to be heard. For example, when your preschooler says goodbye to you, they behave like they are falling apart because they imagine that you will never return. Or when young gifted children see a homeless person, they feel and think that they need to save him or solve the problem of homelessness.    

    From reading and watching movies about race horses, I liken the parenting process of raising a gifted kid to training a high-strung race horse. I say this because smart and precocious kids are also as intense as they are smart in any situation that triggers emotional confusion and stress. The thoroughbred needs a horse whisper and the gifted child needs a parent whisperer. Calming down and refocusing the emotionally intense child is a serious challenge. It is truly a steep learning curve that parents have to navigate as they try to give their son or daughter the tools they will need to reach their potential. There is no one-size-fits-all strategy for all parents. But in general, alongside calmness and structure at home, appropriate schooling and socialization are obviously crucial tools. Without a doubt it is not easy for parents of gifted kids to find  a school and social match as it is for their neighbor, whose children who have an easier time fitting in.

    While the intensity of a spirited smart child is common and predictable, the degree of their reactivity is often misunderstood and mislabeled. Parents need to know why their child is so reactive. Books are written on the differences among children who are gifted, or “on the autistic spectrum,” or who have attention deficit disorder. Children who feel their feelings very intensely are labeled as having emotional and behavioral problems. The social-emotional and learning issues of gifted children are very different from children with autism or hyperactivity. These labels are important because they prescribe the environment that best fits the child’s special learning needs.  For example, boredom in smart children with perfectionism will lead to underachievement, which is often misunderstood by teachers and parents. As well, difficulty making friends and getting bullied ―socialization issues―are very very common but evolve out of feeling misunderstood by peers, not developmental delays.

    The spirited child’s sensitivity to people and events around them can be disarming and confusing to the uneducated teacher, caregiver, grandparent or any other person who gets a glimpse of their intense feelings and behavior. The smart and spirited kid’s behavior and mood is often called over-reactive and lacking in perspective because of the depth of feelings that are manifested in a simple situation. “Harry, you need to brush your teeth now,” can become an opportunity for war with his parents if Harry does not want to stop what he is doing. Likewise, “Jason, you need to complete your school work,” can become a totally nonsensical request for a parent if the child finds homework boring or meaningless. “Sarah, let’s turn out the lights and go to bed,” is an impossible simple task if Sarah suffers from intense separation anxiety and truly believes that she cannot be alone.

    And to make matters worse and more difficult, the quick and astute child occasionally knows when he is creating problems and decides to stop and help out his mom or dad. Temporarily the child’s reasonable and empathic behavior allows the parent to feel relieved and happy. Exhausted and frustrated, mom has a glimmer of hope and thinks her child is not a manipulative tyrant. Harry decides he can brush his teeth. Jason gets started on his homework. Sarah goes to sleep in her own room. The roller coaster is on the level part of the track. But all too quickly the child forgets to be empathic to his parents and reverts back to his original position, wanting his own way. Graceful behavior goes by the wayside.

    Learning to calm down your spirited child is so difficult and yet it is imperative. Curious and passionate beliefs, which can range from believing his parents are just plain wrong, or wanting to understand astrophysics or the behavior of Pacific rattlesnakes, need to be addressed and tamed or redirected. Wishing your son or daughter were less curious is a waste of your time―a thankless task or position to take. But wishing your child were less of a challenge and more normal is unfortunately and understandably very common. Whether or not parents come out and say it, I believe that all parents just want normal children. Accepting the emotional intensity of giftedness is the first challenge. Your gifted child is not normal like the kid next door.

    The parents I work with in my support group explain their experiences with their high-strung children and suggest coping strategies to help them be more realistic.

    “Ron is intense with everything, from learning, to food, to friends and family. He has a heightened sense of his surroundings and a passion for whatever he enjoys. On the flip side he has great disdain for what he hates and can react very strongly if he is unhappy. I have had to work with him to help him to temper his responses. I have helped him understand when it is appropriate to share his feelings.”―Rebecca

     Rebecca has put a great deal of careful thought into understanding her reactions and actions with her son, Ron. She has overcome her wish that Ron be a normal child who likes every play date and is eager to be a member of a sports team. As Rebecca accepted her son’s temperament and passion, Ron became easier to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Still, Ron is a challenging child who wants what he wants and knows his own mind. Setting clear limits for negative behavior has helped the family move forward. Rebecca’s quest to normalize her son’s behavior for herself and for her son has been extremely effective.     

    “The hardest part of Mandy’s intensity has been finding appropriate ways to deal with her overwhelming emotions. We have had such a hard time finding ways to NOT escalate tantrums or over- emphasize her fears. We had to learn to accept her intensities so we could dial them down instead of making them worse. Giving her rewards for appropriate behavior has helped.”―Rhoda

     Rhoda was at first sure that there was something “really wrong” with Mandy even though her husband reassured her that he was very much like his own daughter as a child. Eventually, like all of the mothers and fathers I work with, Rhoda came to understand that she just felt overwhelmed by her daughter’s energy. Gradually de-escalating tantrums and accepting that her daughter was not “normal” but gifted started to help Rhoda relax and take a different perspective. Gaining confidence in herself as a mother also helped her to deal with her daughter’s perfectionistic and demanding behavior.

    “Larry’s intense curiosity challenges my intellect and my patience. I have to be hyperfocused to answer his questions when he challenges me. He is always many questions ahead of me, anticipating my answers and developing new arguments depending on which answer I give. In minutes I am tied in knots.”―Janet

     Because of her own mother’s indifference to her, Janet was way too interested in being responsive to her son. Larry became dependent on her for feedback and understanding that teachers and friends were unable to give. Unraveling their inter-dependency became a very difficult process, which began with Janet being more sure of herself as a mother and not so threatened by her son’s critical comments. Janet had to learn to set very firm limits for Larry and Larry had to learn to respect authority. The problem of respecting authority intensified in adolescence as Larry felt more insecure with himself and more embroiled in his anger at his mother. Intense anger with parents is very common in adolescence, and gifted children do a very good job intensifying every developmental issue.

Ways to Calm You and Your Child in the Face of an Emotional Storm

    First and foremost, I suggest planning for these unnerving outbursts, because emotional intensity is a characteristic of gifted children. Accept that you have to deal with your child’s sensitivity even though you wish you didn’t have to. Remember, there are no easy answers, or you would have thought of them already.

    ● YOU ARE THE BOSS. Be clear about the family rules which should be child-centered but not child-driven.
    ● Try to get the point across that you are smarter than your child because of your experiences in life. Gifted kids lack judgment but they are remarkable at reasoning. Teach your son or daughter to respect your wisdom.  
    ● Establish your credibility. This is so important because gifted children are KNOW-IT-ALL’s. Try in a calm moment to say, “You need to listen to me because I am smarter than you.” This answer works.   
    ● Find motivators to help your child follow the rules. Some special dinosaurs or Lego, whatever your child likes, but do not use “screen time.”
    ● Have some realistic short-term consequences that set limits but do not make your child feel totally humiliated. Remember, your child is a perfectionist. So just take away small increments of whatever works.
    ● Use praise to encourage your child. This is crucial.
    ● Find a support group of friends and relatives who can listen to you and not be critical.
    ● Let your child make up some of the rules that are personal and do not disrupt the family or their safety.
    ● Find a school that challenges your child. This is a hard job that is worth doing well.

Summer can be an exciting and revitalizing time for gifted children who really need and enjoy non-structured activities that revolve around their interests and passions. Summer is the best time to nourish your child’s inner life―their dreams and talents. After nine long months of homework and school schedules that promotes academic learning, bright kids need free time to explore!!!!

In our rigid, standard-driven educational environment, parents can forget the value of play and spontaneous or non-directed activities. When children play their own games they develop a sense of who they are. When kids play with old friends and new friends, they gain confidence in themselves as individuals who are comfortable in their social world. Playful experiences enhance the ability to be creative. Free time is me time; and children need me time as much as their parents.

Kids and their caretakers need a break from their routines. And parents can provide these open-ended experiences by not over-scheduling the summer vacation. Even if the neighbor’s children or your sister’s children have a regimented vacation plan, try to be more open-minded. Let your child explore their world from their own unique vantage point. You will be delighted and surprised by what your child chooses and how relaxed they seem. When school starts in fall, your child will be ready to take on the challenge.

Free activities that are fun, creative, and engaging include:
1.  Hiking and swimming
2.  Museum trips
3.  Story-reading at the library or bookstore
4.  Yard and lemonade sales
5.  Puppet shows
6.  Visits to the zoo and different types of gardens

How Perfectionism Undermines Persistence

Persistence is the most important predictor of success and fulfillment in gifted children. As bright and intense children grow into their social and emotional lives and develop their abilities to succeed in school or other activities that take into account their special talents, being able to work through a challenging situation can be problematic. Parenting to develop persistence is so critical and yet truly challenging with perfectionistic children.

While persistence is clearly made up of passion and perfectionistic motivation, getting all of these elements to work together can at times seem impossible. Unfortunately, perfectionism can seriously undermine persistence, because young children have a very difficult time explaining their own frustrations to the adults who take care of them. Eventually persistence, passion, and perfectionism can become tangled up into a gridlock of inaction that leads to avoidance of certain difficult behaviors, underachievement, and loss of direction as the child grows into a teenager. This cluster of misfires happens slowly and is entrenched in the bright child’s psyche long before it is obvious and causing problems at home, at school, and with friends.

Let’s look at an example: Marjorie is an energetic fast-thinking and fast-moving intense 5-year-old. Her parents are careful to keep her busy, engaged in learning, and “happy.” When Marjorie gets upset about not being able to complete a project or not being able to play her own way she can become inconsolable, sad, and frustrated. Marjorie will retreat into her mother’s arms and refuse to continue whatever she is doing. If she is at a party at grandmas house she may hide under the bed. At school, when she feels overwhelmed she will go to the bookshelves and read instead of engaging in group activities. Teachers, parents, and other close relatives don’t understand her “strange” behavior. Does Margie just need more discipline? Does she need better parents or a good child therapist? Confusion reigns in the house, school, or  grandma’s house.

Margie has shut down because her passion, perfectionism, and persistence have lead to a non-negotiable gridlock. She wants to try something new. She doesn’t have the skills or patience to learn the new materials. She blames herself for being unsuccessful. Marjorie, who is wound-up and over-stimulated, has given up in defeat. What can the adults around her do to help her recover her positive energy and her healthy and exuberant state of mind?  

Here are some ideas that will help. First and foremost, adults should empathize with their child’s pain and confusion by saying, “I can see that you are feeling sad and frustrated.” Teachers can let the child go to a safe place in the classroom. Grandparents can respect their grandchild’s feelings and avoid talking about how their grandchild needs more structure and discipline from their parents. Grandparents don’t need to solve the problem. But it will help if they just accept that their grandchild’s frustration is normal. In other words, it helps to not over-react.
 

TRULY, CALMING DOWN THE FRUSTRATING SITUATION, WHATEVER IT MAY BE, IS THE FIRST STEP.

The next step is to normalize the problem so that the child does not feel more uncomfortable than they already are feeling. “I can see that trying to catch that ball or spell that word or draw a school yard is really hard for you. I know other children have the same kinds of problems. Tell me how you are feeling about what just happened?” And then you need to listen carefully for their response and say it back to them so they know you heard.

There are definitely things that you should not do.

1.  Do not scream at your child and share your frustrations.

2.  Do not humiliate your child for having a tantrum or meltdown.

3.  Do not promise your child that they never have to try again.

4.  Do not become a vigilant micro-manager who avoids all potentially painful situations.

These four DON’TS will help to tame or normalize perfectionism and derail the development of avoidant behavior. Your child’s very important motivation―to stay with a task that seems to be way too hard to accomplish―will have room to grow. Helping your child keep trying is what is important.   Pressuring or demanding that your child do well will backfire on you sooner or later no matter what the Tiger Mom professes.

Problems or issues with persistence will arise over and over again. Issues can range from learning to read, or do math or spell or make friends, or play sports or learn the piano. Whatever the issue your child is struggling with, remember not to over-react. Stay calm and be positive. Try to understand their frustration, and then help them to try again.

In general, gifted children can have a hard time learning how to learn, because in most instances they are able to solve a problem very quickly. Working on projects that require ongoing attention will teach your child to stick with their ideas through the exciting times and the frustrating times. 

Why am I fighting with my twin? Why can’t we get along? These are the most heartfelt questions that I have encountered on my long and intriguing journey to understand what makes twinship so special, and yet so difficult.

While it may be easy for almost everyone to understand why you would miss your life and team companion, who is familiar with your childhood, parents, and all of your unique talents and issues, truly more perplexing for twins and their close friends and relatives to deal with are the conflicts that go on between twins. For twins, overcoming disappointments in your twin can be difficult and even brutal.

Just as all twins love each other, all twins fight. These fights begin by six months of age and continue on and on. Some disagreements are healthy, normal, and expectable. Good-enough parents try to manage, redirect and actually understand why their twins are not getting along. When parents try to understand the conflicts between their children and to arbitrate for fairness, competition and anger will be reduced. Parental management of disharmony between twins is crucial. When parents are not involved, twins will make their own rules up for fairness, which more often than not backfires into more serious warfare. I write about how parenting directs the twin relationship in my new book, ALONE IN THE MIRROR: TWINS IN THERAPY.

Fighting can be a slippery slope for twins. Too much intensity over who is the best or who is right or who is more important over a long period of time will eventually erode the twin attachment. But disagreements and separate interests and personality have a psychological function in the development of individuality. Seriously, twins can fight about anything from who is first to whose fault is it anyway. Hopefully, wanting what you want or what your twin wants is based on individual likes and dislikes. Unfortunately, sometimes fighting is just based on senseless competition, which is destructive.

Healthy disagreement is the beginning of an individual identity for twins. Different needs and separation between twins allows for individual experiences and new input into their early exclusive attachment. Too much time together will surely lead to more and more arguments and more and more entanglements. In childhood, fighting between twins on the deepest level is about the development of individuality. Contentiousness or power struggles provide the mini-steps that eventually create a unique sense of self for each member of the twin pair. Sometimes twins want the same exact “things” and they compete to win. At other times, whatever your twin likes is often different than what you may look forward to choosing for yourself. For example, one twin wants to go to baseball camp and the other twin wants to go to Shakespeare camp. Long and tense conversations may ensue over disagreements about the right choice. In these situations, expressing different opinions is not only good but necessary and inevitable. Disagreements will occur based on real life choices such as clothes, favorite flavor of ice cream, friends, and sexual decisions. Unraveling the mystery of often untold and un-talked about choices seems really impossible and may not be necessary. Respect for differences is crucial.

Fighting in teenagers and the need for separate friends and interests is normal and developmentally appropriate. This is a time when twins should be making their own decisions and forming their separate sense of self outside of the twinship. Usually, twins who are developing their individual identity adequately have started to take different paths with friends and academics. When twins have a need to remain attached to their twinship and are not concerned with separating from one another this is a red flag for future problems with separation.
 
Long and difficult arguments in adult twins are often based on a lack of respect between twins for the choices they make that do not meet one twin’s standard of acceptability. Who is right and who is wrong underlies most fights. This ongoing intensity can be very destructive to the attachment that twins share. Twins need to learn to respect one another’s differences, which I know is hard to do.

In adulthood, twins are usually more reasonable with one another, which is a sign of maturity. Naturally, there will be differences of opinion, but the ability to accept that your twin has chosen a different life path then your own is inevitable. When adult twins cannot accept that they are truly different people, then psychotherapy to understand their enmeshment with one another is critical.

Strategies to Curtail Fighting

ASK YOURSELF SERIOUSLY:

1.  Is this argument worth my time or should I ignore it or give in?

2.  What is my objective or goal for fighting with my sister or brother?

3.  Is there a better way to get my point across?

4.  Is there a pattern or trigger to our arguments?

5.  What can I do to calm down our power struggles?

6.  Why am I so threatened by my twin’s decisions?

7.  Do I feel guilty that I cannot solve my brother or sister’s problem?

Enhancing social development in gifted children is the hardest part of parenting a gifted child. Over the many decades that I have worked with gifted kids and their parents on issues that arise and are unique and particular to bright and intense children, social development is the hardest and often the most critical issue to delve into and to work on solving. Unfortunately, poorly informed experts are quick to label the social issues of gifted children as a form of autistic spectrum behavior. But these behavioral experts are wrong. Social quirkiness in bright kids is normal and is more a sign of difficulties with peer relationships. The difference in intellectual abilities between gifted kids and kids who are more normally average is the root of this social problem.  

Educators and parents used to believe that finding the right gifted school would solve their child’s problem making friendships with peers because all the children would have to be gifted to attend. Actually, gifted schools can be narrowly focused, elitist, and only interested in academic achievement. This type of pressure and competition can be a bad fit for most gifted children. Educational research has shown that meeting the social-emotional needs of gifted children can be very difficult in a very structured and high pressure school setting because of the perfectionistic strivings of gifted kids and their asynchronous development—learning highs and lows. When gifted kids are put in a competitive environment early in childhood they can burn out by middle school and become depressed and even suicidal. More recent research and understanding of gifted kids indicates that the most successful and high functioning bright children have been exposed to a more diverse school environment that teaches to their strengths and struggles.

Gifted children can be confused by non-gifted children. For example, the neighborhood children may be very content to play with their trucks and cars or dolls. But the gifted child looks more deeply and needs a collection of cars or dolls or dinosaurs to be happy. The smart kid wants to discuss the differences among his collection with mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and anyone who will listen. The gifted child who speaks about different types of cars or dinosaurs or dolls to his or her neighborhood friend, though, is perceived as weird. The kids begin to leave him or her out of their play, and peer relationships become awkward. Or the gifted child may really enjoy building puzzles and be so much more advanced than his friends at preschool that he cannot engage with them and sits in the corner and reads a book or wants to stay home with his mommy or daddy. Unfortunately and very often, teachers and administrators at school don’t understand why the child is having trouble relating to peers. The easy answer is autistic spectrum disorder and a behavioral specialist.

Wrong! This approach does not work at all. The well trained and certified behaviorist makes the child more anxious, which intensifies their perfectionism and frustration. Parents go broke and crazy with this approach. The child is no better off for all the aggravation that has gone into this supposed socialization process. Indeed, the child may feel more intensely that he or she is a misfit and act out their sense of being strange with other children.

What can be done to help very bright and intense children to feel socially engaged and to make friends?

1.  Avoid labels and labelers. This means in action terms if the preschool wants an evaluation done on your child you should find an expert who works with gifted kids, not a developmental specialist who just know how to diagnosis autistic spectrum disorder.

2.  Look hard—look far and wide—to find kids who want to play with your child. These types of free play interactions will normalize you child’s problems with friends. The child will feel more relaxed in social situations. In other words, your child with a friend will feel better about him or herself and will not need to withdraw from social interaction with peers.

3.  Find a school that looks at social-emotional development for all of the students and especially has experience with gifted kids. Putting your child in a very traditional school is a big mistake. Look for project-centered schools that enjoy creativity and out-of-the-box thinking.

4.  Talk with your child about his or her disappointments with friendships. Give your child support and advice based on his perceptions of what is going on with friends. Don’t assume that you know the answer to his or her social problems.

5.  Read about the social issues of gifted children and attend conferences that talk about these issues. Talk with other mothers and fathers who have gifted kids. Your knowledge is your power.

Twins have a really strong attachment to one another. As children they rely on each other at home, in school and with new friends. Sometimes twins are extremely close and value one another. As twins take their own life paths they can miss one another terribly or fight endlessly with each other about their individual decisions. Learning to respect and then honor your twin’s decisions can be very difficult because of the interdependence that twins share with each other. It can be hard to accept what your brother or sister may be doing because you are hurt by their actions or feel diminished and humiliated.

Twins have a hard time seeing themselves as totally separate from their “other half” because they actually do enjoy being twins and having a continual companion and mentor. Often twins value their sister or brother’s opinion way too much for their own good. Too much closeness between twins makes fighting worse and separation anxiety from each other more intense. Individual development is a sure cure for too much intensity because it diffuses attachment issues.

Learning to relate to nontwins can be difficult and confusing because “normal” relationships are much less intense than twin relationships. I write about the entire issue in detail in my new book, Alone in the Mirror: Twins in Therapy.

Published on March 14, 2013 by Allen J. Frances, M.D. in Psychology Today:

The 3-5% of kids who are particularly gifted are also at special risk for being tagged with an inappropriate diagnosis of mental disorder.

Marianne Kuzujanakis, MD, MPH is the perfect person to explain why. She is a pediatrician and a Director of SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted)- an organization dedicated to helping the gifted and their parents. She is also a co-founder of the SENG Misdiagnosis Initiative: https://www.sengifted.org/programs/seng-misdiagnosis-initiative

Dr. Kuzujanakis writes: " The 2010 American Academy of Pediatrics Task Force on Mental Health reported that 37% of children and adolescents either meet the DSM criteria for a mental health diagnosis or show some impairment in functioning. Diagnoses of ADHD and autism continue to rise."

Please continue reading this story here:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/saving-normal/201303/giftedness-should-not-be-confused-mental-disorder

I have never meet a twin who didn’t ask themselves or anyone who would listen: “When will I get over missing my twin?” So, most simply and basically stated, here is my answer. Most likely never! Although in time you can understand your longings, which will definitely help you to expand your world. The attachment that twins share is primary and makes an everlasting and indelible mark on personality development. The outcome of such intense closeness is related to the quality of parenting that twins were exposed to in infancy through the teenage years. Were mom and dad real hands-on parents or did the twins parent one another?

Profound attachment, often referred to as the twin bond, determines the direction of life choices for twins as they grow and develop. Because twins have different childhood experiences, of course, not all twins are alike. Not all twins love each other and revere their relationship. Some twins are just stuck in the mire of their closeness, their anger and their longing for harmony. Even when twins remain conflicted and are unable to resolve their anger and disappointment with one another, they still miss each other. Fortunate twins who have a strong sense of themselves as individuals and are able to resolve their differences can support one another through difficult life situations. Twins who see themselves as individuals are resilient enough to fight and miss each other and reconnect for help with happiness or despair. Twin attention when needed is certainly one of the best parts of being a twin—the gold ring on the merry-go-round.
    
The twin attachment teaches us about the power of  human connection and how deep intimacy and understanding gained through shared lived experiences is a life-sustaining force that promotes a positive sense of self or contributes to negative thinking, depression, and self-destructiveness. Unfortunately, twin closeness can be an enigma in our individually driven objectified technological world, which is intensified by the onlooker’s idealization of twinship as the perfect intimacy. The nuances and comfort of emotional closeness and attachment can remain a mystery to individuals who have had more distant family relationships and are yet desperately seeking out understanding from others. This quest to just find the intimacy you want is promoted by internet websites that match lonely individuals seeking love. Twins who are born married know that intimacy is more complicated. They also know the comfort of having a close ally, and in fact, expect that they will always have someone at their side through thick and thin.

From birth, separation for twins can be fraught with anxiety, pain, and confusion. Careful parental negotiation of separation issues in infancy and childhood helps twins learn to tolerate being separate from one another. Parental attention to learning about single children through play and interaction in addition to learning who they are as individuals is crucial. No matter how well parenting proceeds in developing individuality and coping strategies for separation, it is inevitable that twins will miss each other and long for other close relationships. Nontwins just do not get this problem of intensely missing the other person. And twins don’t really understand how nontwins can conquer being alone. So whatever the age of the lonely twin, I can totally understand the experience and empathize with the suffering that twins feel and hold onto when they feel like “something” is missing in their life.
    
Missing your twin seems to have many aspects or facets which may not be observable to the untrained eye of friends, children, husbands, and even parents. Missing your twin can include the following:
    
1.  Feeling awkward in social situations that you used to attend with your twin, such as school and family events.
    
2.  Feeling the need to be with your twin even though you have the ability to make it on your own while shopping, studying, changing the oil in your car, cooking, etc.
    
3.  Thinking that you are explaining yourself to a new person, but you are not effectively explaining yourself to anyone except your twin brother or sister who is not in the room. At these strange times some people will think you are a “freak,” although your twin never judged you like that; she just gave you honest feedback.
    
4.  Needing to connect too deeply with a friend or associate or in another social circle. In other words, longing for more intensity in a relationship that is just perfunctory and based on small talk.
    
5.  Believing that someone really cares as much about your ideas as your brother or sister. Believe me, other people don’t care, because they do not share your lived experiences and are not invested in your identity.

How to Move On
    
Realistically dealing with your feelings of loneliness will involve a long and sometimes treacherous journey, which sensitive close family and friends can readily see but not really understand. You have to accept that separation anxiety from your twin is very intense and difficult to manage in a mature and productive way. Missing your twin can make you feel desperate and hopeless. Blaming others for being an inadequate twin substitute is a non-productive way of acting out your anger at your twin or your internalized anxiety. Often used, rigid thinking about the perfunctory nature of small talk in comparison to the closeness you share with your twin can lead to immature solutions—jumping in and pretending that you are in a twin relationship, or withdrawing. And, to make matters worse, nontwins do not understand the intensity of your emotional turmoil and your need to feel connected. Here are some strategies that will help you. They helped me as I made my journey into the nontwin world.

1.  Talk with your sister or brother and other twins who can understand and respect your loneliness.

2.  Enjoy your ability to feel close to other people, while keeping in mind that others may not understand or may take advantage of your sensitivity. Protect yourself from instant intimacy theft.

3.  Learn how to develop nontwin relationships and enjoy what they have to provide, which most likely is freedom from your twin’s point of view.

4.  When you feel too nostalgic, remember about the hardest part of being a twin, which is always having to consider another person.

5.  If you are in the middle of a serious life crisis you can predict that you will miss your twin more intensely.

6.  Look for a therapist who can understand your struggle.

7.  Don’t panic; other twins are suffering with you.

8.  Prize yourself and others will too.

Without a doubt, identical and fraternal twins must be seen as individuals, each with his or her own strengths and challenges. Respect for the twin bond―a deep attachment―is critical, because undermining the twin relationship will confuse young twins, leaving them unprepared for interacting socially at school and in after-school activities. Twins need to revere their twin identity; otherwise they may feel like “freaks,” “a walking side show on four legs,” or “the girl with two heads.” But no matter how in place your strategies for healthy twin development are in your own mind, twins are “double trouble,” and they can be double “double trouble” if they learn to outsmart you. Understanding how and why in-sync clever twins amplify your parenting problems will help maintain sanity at your house, at school, and at the shopping mall, restaurants, markets, department stores, and in the car.

You must ask yourself after a long day of giving them each special time and loving: They are adorable twins; what is making them so mischievous and hard to unwind? My twin sister once shared with me how she would explain with non-twins our problematic unruly behavior as children growing up. “Our passion or proclivity to make and follow our own rules is an untold story. We didn’t have the words to explain our close relationship and the importance we placed on one another for affirmation and for making decisions.”

Thinking about this now I realize that we saw each other as at least as smart as our parents and our older brother, even though we were brought up in a traditional Father Knows Best family. We didn’t know or understand that we could not make decisions without our parents. We came up with some ridiculous solutions to problems, which made us happy and engaged with each other. Our half-baked solutions did not help us learn to relate to our parents, teachers, and friends. Actually we were at a disadvantage later in life because we relied on one another way too much. And then we needed to find other people to compliment us as we had done for each other. It took a very long time to learn to do for ourselves what our twin did for us without even asking.

I share all of these childhood memories and stories because I see the power and destruction of “double trouble” playing and taking its course unknowingly with twins and parents whom I consult with when incomprehensible events are popping up and causing chaos, confusion, and yes, heartbreak. Double trouble is twin power, based on a primary attachment that can get out of control quickly. Parents need to look for the signs of double trouble and work to reduce the twin issues that keep the destruction going.

Signs of “Double Trouble”

1.  Power imbalance between twins where one is the leader and the other is the follower.
2.  Language development is over-developed in one twin and under-developed in the other.
3.  Twins have areas where they won’t compete. For example, one twin can read and the other will not read. And then the nonreader draws endlessly and the reader refuses to even write their own name.
4.  One twin is impulsive and the other twin is responsible for making the plans and keeping the impulsive brother or sister in check.
5.  One twin is happy and the other is sad.
6.  Arguments between the twins never stop.
7.  Parents feel helpless to get their children to follow directions and house rules.
 
How to Diffuse “Double Trouble”
    
1.  Know each of your children as an individual and help them develop their strengths and work on their challenges.
2.  Make sure that you understand how your twins are relying on one another. If you see that one twin is taking care of the other “too much,” then understand why, and help the child that needs help so the brother or sister is not burdened with this responsibility.
3.  Develop realistic parent rules that establish a child-centered structure that can be understood and followed. Have realistic consequences when children do not listen to you.
4.  Try to see yourself as in charge. Your parental authority will help diffuse double trouble.
5.  Think positively. An overwhelmed attitude gives your twins the upper hand.
6.  Make clear to your twins what decisions they can make and what decisions are not theirs to make. Keep this rule a conviction in your own mind.
    
Hopefully these thoughts will help you calm your children down. If you need more help you can call me at (310) 443-4182 or email me at drbarbaraklein@gmail.com.