Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

In today’s world, “never enough” and “doing to do” (relentless activity) have become an acceptable state of mind and a goal to strive toward. Pressures to purchase, achieve, accumulate, and experiment are ever-present in our culture. Parents have to decide what to expose their children to as they are growing up. “What is appropriate for my child?” has become a serious concern for parents. How fast is fast enough? Does every child have to learn to read in kindergarten? How many playdates, after-school classes, trendy toys, computer games are really necessary? Every parent has to ask themselves, “When is enough, enough?”
 
Life in the parenting fast lane, which includes a focus on doing everything right and getting every activity and playdate accomplished, is a disaster for gifted children and their families. Gifted children are emotionally intense and perfectionistic by their very nature. They are excruciatingly sensitive to pressures to achieve and perform in school and with friends. And precocious kids can and will over-react to too much stimulation. When mom and dad are anxious about managing their children’s schedules so that every activity is completed, a red flag of trouble can go up for the precocious child. When mom and dad are rushing their kids to school, children experience the attendant pressure and anxiety. In addition, gifted kids are then rushed home, and then taken off to classes and to playdates and tutors. Inevitably, having too much going on will backfire. Gifted children will express their overwhelmed feelings in outlandish temper tantrums. Actually, gifted kids need down-time with their parents to process their thoughts and feelings, some time drawing or reading, or just time being quiet.

It can be dangerous for the development of potential of a gifted child to always be on the go. Parents and children need to slow down and think about what they like to do best or worst, or what has to go. And also, really necessary, is to learn what has to be tolerated no matter what. Homework is done no matter how boring. Hitting your sister for being in your way or just being born is not acceptable. Telling your sister she is a brat is rude and should be against house rules. Gifted kids need to learn to filter out their outrageous behavior. And when parents are too on the go this type of “rude craziness” will be tolerated to just keep the never-enough ball rolling.

Consequences of Fast Lane Parenting for Gifted Kids

1.  Your son or daughter will become more perfectionist and competitive with themselves and others. For example, fast lane children are more likely to say that they hate themselves or that their friends hate them.
2.  The ability to make friendships and keep them will be hampered because companionship is too invested in competition—doing and having the right toys and friends.
3.  Schooling can become boring or not important because it is not charged with enough self-focused intensity.
4.  Collaborative learning experiences will be marginalized when they are actually very crucial as a learning tool.

Rewards of Mindful Parenting

1.  Your child will be calmer and more tolerant of family life and school-related issues.
2.  Your son or daughter will learn to play with a a variety of children in different activities without being overly fearful or judgmental.
3.  Discipline will be easier because parental intensity is reduced by clear goals and expectations.
4.  Your child will develop interests that are the foundation of his or her identity.
5.  Your child will learn to play on his/her own and develop a confident sense of self.

Activities That Promote Calm and Thoughtful Children

1.  Careful choice of activities and discussions of how well your child likes the experience (or does not).
2.  Clear goals and expectations that are child-centered and respected.
3.  Consequences that are appropriate when unacceptable choices are made by your child.
4.  Quiet time every day, which calms down emotional intensity.
5.  Family time every day to develop a sense of family warmth and love.
6.  Homework time when homework is assigned.
7.  Exercise that the child wants to participate in, such as team or individual sports, or creative dance or martial arts.
8.  Community experiences that teach the value of sharing.

In conclusion, parents can calm down their gifted children by being mindful of not adding activities and pressure to their children’s day to day life. Validating calm and responsibility is equally important to a balanced home life. As you try to invest in a calmer lifestyle, your child will learn to do so as well.

“Yes” is the honest answer. No schooling experience can or will always be positive and run smoothly. Challenges are natural and an important part of the learning process. Children develop coping skills when they are having difficulties with academics, friends, siblings, teachers and parents.

Are you saying to yourself, “How is this happening? I have spent countless hours selecting the right school for my child.”

You can blame yourself for making a “mistake.” Or, perhaps, you did the best you could to find a school and you are not satisfied with the outcome. You are in the company of many caring and devoted parents who question what is really happening in their child’s classroom: “Is my child learning anything?” There are productive ways to deal with school issues that seem to cry out for help. Here are some suggestions.

Positive Interventions to Help Resolve Learning Challenges
     1.  Develop an understanding of the problem your child is having by asking your child and your child’s teacher how serious the learning challenge really is. By having two different perspectives you will have a better sense of the problem. Is your child more troubled by his/her issues or is the teacher more concerned? Ask yourself: “Am I ignoring my child’s challenges or over-reacting? Am I putting my own issues onto my son or daughter and not seeing the real issue.” For example, reading was hard for you. Is reading as hard for your child or are you projecting your feelings onto your child? Making friends was hard for you, so perhaps you are imagining that your child has the same problem that you had with friendships.
     2.  Make a plan to work on your child’s challenges, which might include academics or social emotional issues. The plan should include talking informally to your child and offering to help.
     3.  Make a chart or some form of accountability criteria to measure progress and stalling points.
     4.  With an understanding of the parameters of the problem, look for help from an expert.
     5.  Point out positive growth along the way, which provides motivation and encouragement.
     6.  Find motivation that is meaningful, and give rewards for work that is well done.
    
Reaction and Strategies That Make Learning Challenges Even More Problematic
     As hard as parents try, sometimes their plans backfire and learning problems become more difficult to solve. Here are some strategies to avoid.
     1.  Understand that ignoring the challenges your child faces because you are too busy or don’t want to spend the time it will take to assess the issue and to remediate it make the problem grow bigger.
     2.  Blaming someone, such as yourself or your husband, is counterproductive because it is not a problem-solving strategy. Rather, blaming creates tension and resentment, which stresses your child further and takes you farther from your goal.
     3.  Do not adopt a dramatic scenario or an exaggerated personal narrative, such as, “My child is not under-socialized; he/she is on the autistic spectrum.” “My child won’t read and he/she is not gifted.”
     4.  Over-focusing on a problem will merely intensify your child’s anxiety and prevent them from moving forward.
     5.  Adopting a self-fulfilling prophecy, such as, “M y child cannot do any better,” is a recipe for disaster. Positive attitudes are critical to your child’s success.
    
Learning and social emotional challenges can be resolved if they are dealt with slowly and with a great deal of attention to problem-solving. If you can accept that school problems arise that are normal and useful learning opportunities, your child will learn that struggling with a challenge is an important lesson. When children do their best, their perfectionistic attitudes will go by the wayside and more work is accomplished.

While images of harmony and seamless closeness permeate our cultural and popular presentations and understanding of twins, the dark and disconnected feelings that twins share are very alive and real for countless twins. Indeed, twins who don’t get along or who are actually estranged from one another are burdened with feeling that they are “not normal” twins by onlookers or non-twins. The reality of harmony and disharmony between twins is in my opinion is a difficult one for non-twins to understand. Superficially explaining the twin relationship to others is very challenging to impossible. Twins know that getting along with your twin is often fraught with anger, pain, and confusion. The pressure from others to get along in order to be “normal” compounds deeply conflicted issues such as who is smarter, prettier, shinier, richer, more popular. and more successful. When there is an actual imbalance in a twinship because one twin is labeled good and the other bad, or one twin has a serious disability or other distinct problem, disharmony can create feelings of guilt and shame for both twins.

The inability to get along with your twin can be totally real and, to me, understandable. Living separate lives is a reasonable solution to anger or even deep rage at your twin. Continual fighting can create deeper rifts that may be more impossible to resolve than childhood identity confusion and enmeshment. Think about what you value in your twin relationship. Compassion, understanding, and all kinds of hands-on support are building blocks of positive twin relationships. Anger, disappointment, humiliation, jealousy, and shaming are non-productive ways of dealing with your adult twin. Wanting and expecting that things will all of sudden be different and harmonious is another fantasy that creates more pain for twins. If non-productive interactions such as anger, rage, and disappointment or fantasies about how things will magically get better is the basis of your twin relationship, then living very separate lives works for you.

When you live separate lives you can embrace your independence. You will find yourself as an individual who is also a twin. Feeling guilt or shame about a lack of closeness and attunement you share with your twin is understandable, but really not necessary. In other words, you do not have to get along with your twin no matter who thinks that you should. Developing a workable compassionate relationship with your twin takes a lot of time and energy. Screaming at each other or even physical fighting are not ways to embrace your twinship. Feeling satisfied with your own efforts is the first step to getting along.

What I am saying here is twins live separate lives for many reasons. One reason is to learn to be themselves as an individual so they can put their twinship into the perspective it belongs.

Achievement, or being able or motivated to achieve, is in most instances related to the child or teenager’s state of mind. Feeling certain, confident, secure, and safe to express oneself is critical to being able to focus on school-related tasks. Unfortunately, but realistically, having your child be in an emotional place where he or she is positive is no easy task in today’s lightning paced nonstop world. Children today are living in the fast lane. There is always one more class or activity to take, one more video game to learn, or one more cell phone to answer. If you live in the fast lane, what you are doing oftentimes feels like “not enough.” This never-enough state of mind undermines self-esteem and motivation to achieve.

For our children and teenagers, testing pressures, social pressures, athletic competition, consumerism, and materialism are rampant. These external pressures create serious roadblocks to self development. Internet exposure is truly a frightening stimulus that exposes children and teenagers to too much adult information without a context. Internet use that is not monitored is shocking and confusing to still developing minds. Older family members—grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins—who used to give advice and transmit values live too far away to provide optimal support. Or relatives are too busy themselves to be of help in giving direction to youngsters establishing their identities.

Without a doubt, centering, focus, and balance are hard for kids and teenagers to find inside of themselves. Confidence and self-esteem can easily fly out the window when your son or daughter is too intense about schoolwork, homework, and peer pressures. Life that is populated with overstimulating interactions, expectations, and adult information will create or stimulate emotional intensity that is counterproductive to academic success. Creating a predictable stability in your family life is critical to your son or daughter’s sense of self and ability to focus on school and learning. Teaching your child values that reflect what is “enough” and putting into perspective the “anything goes” pop culture is imperative. Being calm and attentive and dealing directly with your child’s state of mind is essential, but not an easy task.

Family time is crucial. Activities that you do with your child such as travel, sports, hiking, community events, concerts, home and art projects enrich your youngster’s life and connection with you. The more healthy the attachment between parent and child, the more easily the teenage years will be for the family. Start early helping your child stay on track when he or she is learning the basics. Use your positive attachment to figure out a way to motivate your child to enjoy basic schoolwork. While your child’s school may have problems doling out knowledge, blaming the school is not enough. Parents have to work hard to keep their child on track. Academic achievement becomes more stressful and impossible for teenagers who, if they are depressed or lost, want to rebel against any type of standards that are established by parents and schools.

What you can do:
1.  Know your child’s strengths and limitations and work on both aspects of their identity.
2.  Informally monitor what is going on with homework, schoolwork, and friends.
3.  Calmly help your child succeed.
4.  Develop strong cooperative interaction and collaboration with your child’s teachers and the school community.
5.  Set up clear and reasonable consequences for unacceptable behavior.
6.  Develop wholesome activities to do with your child that promote parent-child bonding.
7.  Be available to discuss your child or teenager’s concerns openly.
8.  Limit screen time while making family time meaningful to your son or daughter.

Popular culture most often portrays twins as having deep and loving relationships with one another. Secondarily, twinship is used to illustrate good and evil or opposite images. Only recently have novels and memoirs been written that explain the pain and animosity that twins can share and are forced to tolerate in each other.

Twinship is fraught with many identity struggles that can play out in enragement and disbelief at one’s twin. Shame about “who your twin has become” or “who your twin wants you to be” is very common. Twin estrangement is often an outcome of deeply conflicted twin relationships. Estrangement based on a lack of adequate parenting creates despair and loneliness for twins. The depth of despair that comes from twin estrangement is hard for close friends and family to understand, unless they happen to be twins also. And twins who get along have great difficulty understanding the depth of this enragement.

I am a twin, so I can tell you from experience that being estranged from your twin is very hard, painful and lonely. I would say that estrangement from your twin can create a sense of serious loss and unhappiness. I have found that when twins talk with other twins about the loneliness that is based upon estrangement, relief from this anguish is diminished and less frightening. Talking with other twins who have ruptured or are ready to rupture their relationships often helps to heal despair. In some instances, twins will reconcile. In other cases, twins learn to accept their differences and move on.

A new twin group for twin estrangement is being formed. If you are interested please contact me at (310) 443-4182 or drbarbaraklein@gmail.com.

Raising twins is certainly a huge challenge for their parents, grandparents, and caregivers. The deep closeness that twins share is life-sustaining for each twin’s psychological development. The twin bond can confuse parents because what underlies the closeness, feelings, and comfort is imperceptible to outsiders.

I wrote in detail about the depth of the twin bond in my book, “Alone in the Mirror: Twins in Therapy.” The following strategies are an outgrowth of my personal and professional experiences with my own twin and my twin clients, ages 3 to 70.

1.  Develop a unique relationship with each child based on real, actual details of their individual personalities.

2.  Avoid projecting your beliefs about “who your twin is” upon your child. For example, Twin Castor is “like his father,” and Twin Pollux is “like his mother.” Projections make it more difficult to define who the child is.

3.  Avoid labels, because they are toxic to your children’s development.
                    dominant/non-dominant
                    shy/outgoing
                    smart/slow learner
                    pretty/plain
These labels are hurtful and demeaning to each twin’s identity.

Things to do include:

1.  Establish special time with each child every day and develop your attachment to the child.

2.  When differences arise, describe them in behavioral words, not as personality traits. For example, Twin Pollux is interested in reading and Twin Castor is interested in drama.

From giftedbibliotherapy.blogspot.com:

http://giftedbibliotherapy.blogspot.com/p/dealing-with-perfectionism.html

I am giving a workshop in the Carmel room of the Doubletree Hilton for the 2014 SENG conference (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted). If you can make it, I would like to answer your questions!

Understanding How Perfectionism Inhibits and Undermines Persistence  

Persistence predicts success and fulfillment in gifted children. Parenting that develops persistence is critical and challenging with perfectionistic children. Persistence is composed of passion and motivation. Getting these behaviors to work together can seem impossible. Persistence, passion, and perfectionism can become tangled into a gridlock of inaction, leading to avoidance of difficult tasks and underachievement. This workshop will present strategies to develop persistence and thwart underachievement.

http://www.sengifted.org/programs/conferences/2014-seng-annual-conference/schedule

Education is the most important investment you will make regarding your child’s future. One of the biggest and most difficult decisions you face is school choice. Every parent needs help! Even with so much detailed information available online about public and private schools, making this choice can be daunting.

After you tour the schools and talk with friends, other parents, and maybe your own parents or neighbors, you may still be unsure of your decision. What is best for your child, your family, and your finances?

I can help you make the best possible long-term investment in education by:
     ●Assessing your child’s learning strengths and challenges
     ●Understanding your family values
     ●Teaching you how to assess school tours
     ●Helping you ask the right questions at interviews so you can get past promotional jargon
     ●Guiding you to make a realistic but not perfect decision

For more than 30 years I have worked with public and private schools in Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, Silicon Valley, and other places across the country.