Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

"The Challenges of Gifted Children: Empowering Parents to Maximize Their Child’s Potential is a powerful framework for parents of gifted children. The examples and information provided give the reader a straightforward understanding of the challenges that parents can face in identifying and providing their child with the support necessary to succeed. Dr. Barbara Klein unlocks the definition of giftedness and offers a rich guidebook on the essentials that every parent must know for raising a gifted child."—Dr. Tracey D. Tedder, Dean of Education, Florida Southern College

"Barbara’s book is an authentic review of her observations and understanding of gifted children through her career as an educator and a private psychologist. Her book is written for educators who often know very little about gifted children – their academic and social/emotional needs. It is easy to read, not filled with jargon and acronyms but clearly and simply stated for anyone to read. It can speak to parents who want to know about their gifted children. The chapters are full of scenarios and real situations that help the reader understand gifted children better. As a long time gifted educator, I would recommend Dr. Klein’ s book is perfect for anyone who wants to know more about gifted children and how to help them reach their full potential. I found myself nodding and agreeing with all of the information in the book and thinking it would be a great first read for someone who is new to giftedness in children."—Dr. Barbara Branch, Executive Director, California Association for the Gifted

"Dr. Barbara Klein's book The Challenges of Gifted Children: Empowering Parents to Maximize their Child's Potential takes the elusiveness out of the label of being gifted. Before reading this book, I narrowly viewed giftedness as a number on an IQ test. However, Dr. Klein delves into the many ways a child can be gifted (musically, artistically, mathematically, etc.) along with the asynchronous tendencies that come with being gifted. Dr. Klein provides the reader with concrete examples of what gifted children and gifted families go through on a day-to-day basis by inviting us into the world of her gifted parenting groups. With all the pleasures of raising a gifted child, Dr. Klein shows the readers the many trials and tribulations that families of gifted children also encounter and how being a good-enough parent may help with raising such a special child. Parents who seek help in raising a gifted child will find solace with Dr. Klein’s narrative. Educators will be enlightened on the many types of giftedness and may need to rethink the paradigm of gifted placement programs in the public and private school settings.”—Sarah Moukhliss, Educator Librarian, MLIS

“After reading every mainstream parenting book, attending baby groups, toddler play groups, sleep training courses and parenting lectures I believed that my child’s stability and happiness was in large part a consequence of my ability to enforce good habits and assert authority effectively. While there is some credence to the value of routines and boundaries, gifted children seem to require more flexibility. Generalized parenting guidelines can be ineffective and damaging. Dr. Klein’s research and understanding of the needs of gifted children has liberated me as a parent and empowered me to respect my child’s intensity and learning differences rather than fight against them. Power struggles seem to be intrinsic to the dynamic between gifted child and parent. Reframing how parents think about that struggle is invaluable.”—Alison Hersel, Parent of a gifted child

“In The Challenges of Gifted Children, Dr. Klein provides a comprehensive and essential resource for parents and pediatricians alike. From the recognition of giftedness in a child to all the possible associated complications, Dr. Klein teaches us the questions that we need to ask as well as giving us solutions to the problematic issues that come wrapped up with children’s gifts. Dr. Klein generously provides many clinical case examples to illustrate how to connect with gifted kids. These case examples bring to life the nature of the problems faced by parents of gifted children, as well as defining the psychological bases and approaches to solving these issues.”—Marianne Finerman, M.D., pediatrician

“As I read the chapter on intensity and over-excitabilities, I kept saying yes, that describes my children, that describes me or my husband. Over and over again, all the battles and conversations we had had with school administrators, teachers, psychologists, and doctors to help our sons fit in better were replayed for us in Dr. Klein’s stories of other families with highly gifted children. What a relief to finally know that we are not alone in our experience or determination to see our children happy and comfortable with their utterly unique selves.”—Lisa Ramos-Oakley, Parent of gifted children

“The Challenges of Gifted Children provides invaluable guidance through a mix of sound science and personal stories of families making their way through the maze of gifted parenting. Parents of gifted children need resources that are tailored to their experiences and not just general parenting techniques. This book is a true gem I the sea of parenting resources available today.”—Kristen Cruz, Parent of a gifted child

If you are on the, sometimes tumultuous, journey of raising a gifted child, you could not do better than immerse yourself in this new book by Dr. Barbara Klein. She writes from hands-on knowledge gained both within her own personal experiences of being and raising a gifted child, as well as years of rigorous clinical research and professional experience specifically with the gifted population. She gives you the practical and personal what-to-do advice that you can use immediately, delivered in a style that is both comforting and authoritative. This book will provide you with a deeply informed philosophy of growth as it pertains to your wholly unique son or daughter."—Angela V. Tanner, PhD, Parent of two gifted children; Founder and Director, The Knox School of Santa Barbara for Gifted and Talented Children

"Dr. Klein brings to life the voices of gifted children illuminating new insights of their special strengths and developmental needs. Issues that thwart parent child interactions are discussed and help parents overcome developmental blocks, replacing parental uncertainty and despair with a new confidence.”—John McNeil, Professor Emeritus, Graduate School of Education and Information Studies, UCLA

"Dr. Barbara Klein provides an invaluable resource for parents with The Challenges of Gifted Children. Drawing from over 30 years of clinical expertise and working with gifted youth, she uses practical vignettes to illustrate how to identify and cultivate the gifted child. Dr. Klein guides parents through the common challenges that families with gifted children face - from daily obstacles to choosing the right school and advocating for their unique needs. As a mother of two gifted children and a pediatrician, I highly recommend this book as a must read for anyone attempting to stay afloat while navigating the rocky yet exhilarating waters associated with raising gifted children."—Toya Tillis, MD, FAAP, Pomona Pediatrics

Dear Parents and Teachers,

My new book, “Challenges of Gifted Children: Empowering Parents to Maximize Their Child’s Potential,” will be out August 31. I have decided to introduce the book by breaking down the important points I bring up in the text:
       Bright, spirited gifted children come in different varieties.
       Do you know what kind of gifted child you are raising?

Parents call me all of the time wanting to know why their supposedly gifted child is not reading. Or moms and dads want to know why their bright child is shy or won’t listen at hone and at school. My response is always the same. Bright and gifted children come in all varieties. There is no one stereotype of giftedness that can be used to categorize and identify the unique strengths and struggles of these children.

I see a blank look on my readers’ faces. I know you want the answer in terms of a character or iconic image, even though I have already said that it can’t be done. It is impossible to categorize.     

Absolutely, there is a wide range of children who can be considered gifted. The scientific bug collector, the intellectual book worm, the day dreamer, the artist, the composer, the athlete, the math wizard, the piano or dance prodigy are just a few examples of ways to visualize giftedness.

There is also a great deal of diversity in their personality profiles. Some bright children are very dramatic; others are comfortable being social. There are gifted children who are shy and those who are loners. Some spirited children are defiant and seek out attention without shame.

Learning styles vary from being rigidly organized to those who are confused by organization from parents and teachers that they do not think is important.

If you ask yourself these questions you will be closer to understanding what type of gifted child lives in your home.
       What is special about your child’s behavior?
       What behaviors are extremely hard to contend with?
       What works to calm your child down? What creates emotional chaos?

You can also join my new group talking about twin estrangement and loss on my Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/AdultTwins/

I am starting a new Skype twin group for twins who want to get along with each other and also have their own lives—a career, a spouse, children, etcetera. Getting along with your twin involves growing up and realizing that you and your twin are two different people who shared a childhood, parents, and some memories and school experiences. Of course, living this realization is easier said than done. Separating from your sister or brother takes a lot of work involving psychological awareness of your attachment and individuality.

Twins can have positive twin relationships as adults or they can fight and bring each other down. The Get Along Twin Group will present strategies to reduce conflicts with your sister or brother. How to develop a positive but separate identity with your twin will be discussed. Twins can come together to group or Skype on their own. Everyone who participates in this group will come away with a new direction for their life.

More specifically, the issues that will be discussed first include:
1.  Why twins like to make shared decisions and why these shared decisions can be helpful or create conflicts and unwanted consequences and stress.
2.  How do you separate yourself from your sister’s or brother’s issues enough in order to not be contaminated by those issues? Twins can be too close to one another. Sometimes worry makes them go down with the ship. Learning distance that is supportive and non-judgmental is crucial to a healthy twin dynamic.
3.  When conflicts arise because of REAL differences of opinion, it can be hard to step back from your opinion. Learning to be OK with differences will be discussed, with strategies to promote differences of opinion.

This group will start August 11, 2015 at 4:30 PM Pacific Standard Time for 90 minutes, and will meet every Tuesday at that time.

Contact me at drbarbaraklein@gmail.com or call me at (310) 443-4182.

Onlookers to twin relationships can idealize the closeness and companionship that twins share. For instance, twins sometimes are envied by people who suffer from loneliness and depression. Indeed, for those seeking the perfect mate, twins are supposedly excellent role models, to be admired and copied for their capacity for understanding and empathy.

In actuality, twins can suffer and be stifled by one another. While the twin attachment is strong, enduring, and very close, the twin bond can also be fraught with competition, obligation, anger, and resentment. Twins learn to take care of one another from birth. Hands down, they are deeply attached. Sharing parents, life experiences, and memories promotes a deep and indestructible early twin identity. Separating from your twin can be traumatic, liberating, and tricky. As each twin develops a unique identity, both twins may feel excited and frightened.

The quality of parenting that twins receive determines their happiness living separate lives. Enmeshment and resentment can poison twin attachment. Twinship can easily become toxic when clear boundaries between twins are seriously confused and the unique individuality of each member of the pair is not respected. Twins can feel betrayed by one another, ignored (even invisible), or deeply disappointed in their sister or brother. How to have a healthy relationship with your twin can be totally mysterious to twins in the throes of fighting with each other or having difficulty living separate lives. The following ideas will hopefully help the reader unravel and face the stress of drawing clear boundaries with their brother or sister. Not over-reacting to your twin’s problems with school, friends, food, clothes, children, and partners/spouses is very difficult. NOT taking on your twin’s problems can be almost impossible at first. These strategies will help you detoxify your relationship.

1.  Establish a non-discussion zone.
Twins like to evaluate one another’s decisions, which can limit the development of individuality. When certain topics, such as friendships outside of the twin relationship, are not up for discussion, the possibility of critical and anxious input from your twin will be avoided. For example, your twin gets a job that you think is not right for him. Instead of sharing your concern, you could say, “I respect your decision.”

2.  Establish a non-comparison zone.
Because twins are natural competitors, comparisons between twins can be endless—whether the comparison originates from your twin or an onlooker asking inappropriate questions about who is smarter, richer, prettier, etc. I suggest trying to eliminate areas of comparison because this will limit enmeshment and issues of identity. To onlookers or your twin you could say: “Measuring ourselves against one another is something that I think should be avoided.”

3.  Make some people, objects, and ideas non-sharable.
Fighting over what belongs to whom begins with young twins and can move into adulthood. I advise parents of young twins to give each twin some toys and clothes that are not sharable as well as some personal possessions that can be shared. Drawing the line or setting a boundary about what belongs to each twin exclusively is critical to eliminating fighting and general confusion over ownership. The worst thing to share, in my experience, is friendships. This is a no-win situation for everyone. The twin alliance needs to be treasured in spite of an important new tie.

4.  Fighting and rampant anger are destructive to the twin attachment.
Try to calmly talk to your twin about what is bothering you. I have heard crazy stories of twins pulling one another’s hair or actually being physically aggressive. Yelling, mean conversations, and attacking each other accomplish nothing of positive value. It is better to get distance from your anger if you can not control it. Anger can burn the bridges of attachment that twins share in adulthood and can be very difficult to rebuild.

5.  Don’t go down with your twin/hold up your twin.
Drowning in your twin’s problems is a sure mistake. Try to help your brother or sister keep their head above water when their problems are very serious and complicated. Hold out your hand and help them swim to shore. If you totally ignore your sister or brother you are at risk of alienating your right hand “go to” person.
 
6.  Focus on empathic interactions.  
Understanding and kindness can begin to heal the most tormented relationships. Taking the high road is always better for twins because of the depth of their attachment to one another. Just reflecting on your twin’s pain is a start to reconnection.

7.  Do fun activities.  
Being together in companionship is something that twins do well. Hiking, going to museums, concerts, traveling, and non-competitive shopping are all activities that twins can really enjoy together. Loving family time can build the attachment between adult twins.
 
Adult twins have different relationships than young twins. Getting along with your twin is not as easy as it may look to an uneducated onlooker. Twins always have highs and lows. They love being apart and then they miss the other. Try these seven strategies I have suggested. These ways of thinking about getting along with your twin have helped me and helped the many twins that I consult with.

I will be talking about twins, especially my last book, "Alone in the Mirror: Twins in Therapy." Please come!

The address is: 1246 Glendon Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024

Phone: (310) 474-1739

Beginning Thursday, June 25th from 4:00 to 5:30 PM Pacific Time (Daylight Saving Time).

This group will be conducted through Skype. If you are interested call me at (310) 443-4182 or email me at drbarbaraklein@gmail.com

A reoccurring concern from twins who contact me is, “Why do I need psychotherapy?” Here are some simply stated answers and my reasoning.

1.  Separating from your twin is a very hard inner and outer journey of self discovery. Support and insight into your journey of identity makes the road you must travel less rocky, more tolerable, meaningful, and fulfilling.

2.  Knowing who you are without your twin is complicated. Indeed, individual sensibility is very hard to face, understand, and accept. Encouragement to move forward in your self awareness is extremely important but this insight cannot be given by your twin alone. Who do you turn to?

3.  Understanding your relationship with your twin is critical because the roles you take in relationship to your sister or brother will define your strengths and challenges.

4.  How you are different from your brother or sister should be one of the goals of psychotherapy. The details of your interests, friendships, joys, and disappointments will build your identity as a twin and as an individual.

Twin attachments are primary bonds created before birth. Like the mother-child bond, these attachments are irreplaceable emotional experiences that nurture and develop the identity of each twin in a pair. Sharing parents, memories, experiences, and friendships creates an indelible closeness that enlivens and haunts twins as they grow up. The comfort of twin sharing from birth through adulthood can be easy, fun, and even seductive. Deep psychological roots of the self are established. These roots of identity are difficult to impossible to remove even with the death of one twin. Separating from your twin, fighting with your twin, and living separate lives is very challenging for countless reasons related to shared identity development. Untangling the social emotional problems that twins experience as they grow into adulthood can be stressful and overwhelming for everyone who is close to the twin pair. Outsiders to the twinship or onlookers can be very confused by twin intensity and at their wits’ end with twins’ issues.

Psychological reality informs us that twins cannot know the extent of their developmental and emotional entwinement when they start to separate from one another, beginning at birth and continuing through childhood, the teenage years, and adulthood. Only the experiences of a lifetime will tell the struggles and comforts that lie ahead as twins make their own lives. Unfortunately, very little clinical literature is written about the problems that twins face being on their own. Novels about twins do portray the uniqueness of their twin bond. Movies often idealize twins or make them into freaks. Where do twins go for help and support they need to get long on their own?

Twins also need help learning how to get along in THE WORLD OF NONTWINS. Finding the right therapist for a twin is difficult, because most therapists believe that twins have issues understanding emotional boundaries, but the therapist doesn’t know why and assumes that boundary issues for twins are the same as boundary issues for nontwins. This belief is absolutely wrong. Boundaries between the twin pair and outsiders are based on a great deal of experience and sharing. Separateness for twins is crucial and over- and under-determined. Twin problems confuse nontwin therapists.

Twins who are looking for help should consider psychotherapists who are interested in the effects of interpersonal relationships on self esteem and therapists who are twins themselves or related to twins. Making an investment in the self understanding you attain from psychotherapy is an important investment for twins.

All teenagers have difficulty separating from their families and finding and establishing a separate identity or sense of uniqueness, making adolescence a time that is very turbulent for all teens and their parents. But for twins and their families, the teenage years are truly double trouble. Teenage twins can be hypersensitive about everything that is going on around them. Moody fighting between the twin pair is intense and confusing to outsiders. Even though the twin pair may understand some of what is going on, they may be unable to explain the problems they are having.
    
Absolutely essential is the development of separate friendships and interests that began early in life. While young twins and elementary school age twins enjoy their close bond, teenage years can be conflicted and painful. Interactions between twins that were once kind and supportive can become angry, jealous and mean spirited. Or twins can become more attached to one another and not look for separate interests and friendships.

Parents can be confused by their teen twins’ hostile antics toward one another or their over-involvement in each other’s lives. Dramatic fights and long silences are predictable between middle school twins who are so involved in their dramatics that they are not even aware of how unstable they are behaving. When do parents and their teens need help from a mental health professional?
 
Troubling issues in middle school that might require psychological support include:
1.  Separation anxiety from the twin or parent. For example 10-, 11-, 12- and 13-year-olds can be afraid of going to school and to separate classes without their twin.
2.  Problems with making or keeping friendships. This might include a lack of social skills in everyday interactions—such as an inability to make small talk. Or a twin might display misplaced anger or jealousy with new people who seem better able to explain their own ideas.
3.  School or school-work fears or conflicts appear. Often an inability to concentrate on school work appropriately suggests the probability of depression or a lack of language acquisition skills related to the twin dynamic.
4.  Jealousy or intense competition with their twin, which causes too much intensity. Twins can be ridiculously jealous and competitive with clothes, cars, friends and grades. Some twins need everything in their lives to be “even Steven,” which is indicative of a problematic development of the twin bond.
5.  Isolated behavior that may lead to phobias can develop when twins spend too much time with each other and lack the confidence to try new experiences alone and together.

Behavioral and emotional issues that I am consulted about can be very different from one phone call to the next. “My 12-year-old daughters are pulling each other’s hair out.” Or, “my 13-year-old twins have not spoken to each other in a year.” However, the twin dynamic, or the roles twins take in relationship to one another, is in most instances contributing to their emotional turmoil and inability to feel successful and secure. For example, feelings of worthlessness and insecurity or an inability to contain anger and impulsivity, the compulsive need to always be right or the opposite, never feeling adequate, are symptoms of an imbalance of identity between twins. Jealousy, competitiveness and general unhappiness are other signs of a distorted power struggle between twins. Working out an imbalanced twin relation or twin bond is critical and takes a lot of time and effort.

And yes, you do need help! Adolescence is an important time in twin development that is the foundation for a psychologically healthy and happy life. Look to the underlying cause of your twins’ issues, because temporarily fixing a problem is only a band-aid on a more profound identity issue that needs to be uncovered, acknowledged and dealt with in an open-minded manner.