Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Many of the twins who call me or email me want to know why it is so hard to separate from their twin brother or sister. There are high-brow psychological explanations which support the reality that twin separation is difficult. I must confess that I have written theoretical books on how unique twin development is from that of single-birth children. My research and theories always highlight the difficulties twins have with separation. Personally, I have experienced intense separation anxiety when I was without my twin. When it comes to the “nitty gritty” of actually having to separate—to move away from each other—confusion and overwhelming feelings of loss can paralyze decision making. Twins can stay glued together even when they desperately want to break apart.

Deep anger at one another and intense fighting is another sign of the difficulties twins are having with separation. When separation issues are alive in the room between twins, calming down their angry intensity is very challenging or futile. I know that my children, brother, husband, psychotherapists, aunts, cousins, uncles and close friends would eagerly agree with gusto and exasperation that there was a lot of intense arguing between my sister and me.

I know that I have felt “crazy” and “confused” at different times in my life because I needed someone to understand me instantly, and often without words, the way my twin would get it. For me feeling misunderstood was the start of my awareness of missing my sister. Then I experienced being deeply and intensely enraged at her because we saw the world so differently. Trying to understand myself without her and as a nontwin individual was an endless journey in midlife. And trying to help other twins find peace with one another is an ongoing quest that is of great interest to me and brings me the rewards that come from helping others survive complicated emotional stress.

At this point in my understanding, I really want to normalize the problems twins have with separation. Twins are naturally locked into one another in deeply intense psychological ways. Interdependence from birth creates confusion for twins as they find their separate paths. “Whose path am I taking, mine or yours?” is always a question for twins to be conflicted about. Competition between twins is based on differences that cannot be accepted. For example, if you feel fat or poor, your twin brother or sister wants to fix you because they feel responsible for you and are overly invested in you. While you may appreciate your twin’s concern and support, you may feel like he or she is intruding on your space/ability to make your own decisions. “Why does my twin care if I am fat or poor?” is a question the criticized twin often asks.

Anxiety and depression about missing your twin is normal if you are a twin. Loneliness that twins experience is impossible for nontwins to understand. I believe that is why people see twin problems as pathological—a form of mental illness. But really, if you are a twin, you will understand the pain and emptiness of being left out of a conversation or feeling misunderstood. I have suffered from feeling different because I am a twin at different times during my entire life. I have decided that my issues  about adjusting to the world of nontwins are quite normal. I feel more self-confident when I see myself as normal in my struggle to survive in a nontwin world. When I feel abnormal about not being a single person—a nontwin—my life is harder.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your state of mind, we as twins have to make other friends, find spouses and have children if we want to. What has helped me deal with my sense of loneliness and being misunderstood is to accept my fate. Twins are born married and divorce is not an option. I have gotten over being ashamed of my feelings of being a misfit by accepting that being separate from my sister is a normal struggle with loneliness.

Helpful Tips for Dealing with Separation Anxiety and the Loneliness That Ensues When Separating from Your Twin

1.  Prepare yourself to miss your sister or brother by talking about your separation anxiety with your twin. Labeling your feelings of anxiety or loneliness will contain and make more real your discomfort about being on your own without your twin. For example, you walk into a room alone at social event. How do you feel? Happy, scared, angry, relieved?

2.  Loneliness can be insufferable for twins if it goes unacknowledged. Talk with close friends and family when you become aware of feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood by others. The more you understand your feelings and express them the easier your life will be as a twin without your twin.

3.  Criticism and fighting can be overdone because twins are so reactive to one another. It is important to find a way to disagree without intensifying your anger at one another.

4.  As you separate from your twin make a great deal of effort to affirm his or her accomplishments and differences from you. Not only is criticism demeaning but it paves the way for endless resentments and battles over who is best or who is right or wrong. Self-righteous arguing is destructive and accomplishes nothing.

Finding a school that meets your child’s unique way of learning will make your child’s education more meaningful and ultimately a more valuable commodity. In today’s world, education is a passport to success in life. When your child’s school experience is a good-enough fit, problems such as homework completion, teacher-student alienation, and social and behavioral defiance are limited. Parent-child “entrenchment in negativity about school performance” is less prevalent and less emotionally consuming for the entire family. Attainment of an education is played out naturally, as the child searches for meaning in his/her life.

School choice is a crucial parental decision now that the standardization of teaching in public education has taken over. Parents who want a more well-rounded learning experience for their child must look at alternative options to avoid the rigidity and depersonalization of their neighborhood school. Fortunately for everyone, parents are educating themselves in the art of child-raising. Enlightened parents are more aware of the power they have in making a meaningful decision about their child’s education.

Thoughtful parents see education as an investment in their child’s future. Reflective parents do their homework about different kinds of school experiences. Children are more outspoken about the problems they have at school because they know that their parents are participants in their day-to-day education. Kids see mom and dad go to parent conferences and attend school meetings. Children gain a voice through their parents’ interests in their academic and social emotional development.

Right beside more parental involvement is an understanding that children not only have distinct learning styles, but some school situations are more productive for each type of learner. The over-used soundbite “no one size fits all” applies. What is right for your family is very different than what is right for the neighbor’s children or your sister’s children.
    

Issues to Consider When Choosing a School

Type of Curriculum Design
Traditional
When choosing a school, understand what type of curriculum design is being used. The most common is a traditional curriculum that is directed by objectives handed down by the state and school district. Public schools on the whole are traditional. Private college prep schools are also likely to have a traditional curriculum. A traditional approach to learning is very appropriate for children who like to do school work and like to succeed. It is difficult curriculum for children who are very creative or have special needs. Social emotional learning is valued as secondary to academic achievement.

Project Centered
A more open-minded and hand-tailored approach to curriculum is called project centered or a constructivist curriculum. Children learn by interacting with their teachers and fellow students the basics of academics and social emotional learning. This type of education is best for creative and curious children who like to learn by doing or exploring. Children with special needs do well in this type of learning environment.

Home Schooling
Home schooling is an individualized approach to learning. The teacher may be mom or dad or a learning institution that provides teachers to go out to the home. This approach is good when a student has special needs or is extremely difficult to work with. Other reasons for home schooling can be a religious belief or a long travel distance from an appropriate school. Homeschoolers have networks so they can connect with other families. Still, home schooling is a very ambitious decision.

Learning Style of Your Son or Daughter    
All children have unique learning styles. From personal and professional experiences, I know that even identical twins process information differently. Accepting that children have their own particular learning style is essential because it helps you relate to your child’s way of learning. Know your child’s strengths. Know your child’s learning struggles. Work carefully with what they love to do and what they seriously want to avoid. Always be sure to share your sense of what your child has accomplished with them. Let your child know that you are their partner in learning.

You may think that you cannot understand what a learning style really is, but you are mistaken. Countless books have been written on different types of learning styles. Make yourself familiar with these ideas that may be new for you. Ask your child’s teacher what she sees helping your child being successful in school.

Financial Realities
Over-stretching your budget to fit into private school will be a big mistake if you have to take your child out of school when you run out of money. Being the poorest family at school and struggling to make ends meet all of the time creates unnecessary stress on children. If you change schools later, friends can be lost along with the comfort of routine. Spending extra money that you don’t have is not a good parenting strategy.

Look at all the options available to you given what you need for your child and what is available. Public schools have different options that parents need to explore and possibly advocate for their child. The parents who are the most persistent are the ones who are most successful in finding a good school match.

Fighting is a serious issue for young twins, parents of twins, and adult twins. Twin fighting is a style of interaction and a part of identity development that grows out of the twin bond and lives on and on as small children develop into adults. Competition is one acceptable and understandable form of fighting. Twins always measure themselves against one another. Who is the best? Who deserves more brownies? Who has the trendiest lego? Who has the coolest boyfriend? Who has the best car? Disarming competition can be extremely difficult and troubling for everyone close to a twin pair. Brothers and sisters, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, and psychotherapists can become overwhelmed and confused by predictable and sometimes understandable twin fighting.

Let’s look at the complexity of the twin attachment or bond, which some psychologists might label as overdependent or a form of enmeshment. Competition is rooted in the twin bond. Twins are born “married.” Twin closeness is based on a primary attachment that is irreplaceable, much like the parent- child attachment that is the footprint of identity. Nurturing and interdependence between twins is deep and all-encompassing in infancy and childhood. Personality development and the need to be competitive is established and based on twin attachment. Separating out and finding individual differences between twins is a serious and important struggle for parents and their twins. Emotional health and an ability to see the serious side effects of fighting are based on each twin’s individual development.

It is critical to keep in mind that codependence, interdependence, and overidentification are not sharing but forms of psychological merger. Sharing and harmony, often idealized by twin onlookers, grow out of an acceptance by each twin of differences. Telling twins to respect one another is a meaningless task when twins share too much of their identity. Practical ways to foster sharing and eliminate competition are based on developing individuality and unique interests and gifts in each of the twins. Yes, twins are individuals even if they are very similar. Twin sharing is a way to limit individual development and intensify competition. Parents who want their twins to really get along will seriously limit sharing, both overt and covert, that goes on between twins. Adult twins will establish firm boundaries about what objects and thoughts are shareable and what are off limits.

Teaching twins to share or learning to share with your twin should be orchestrated. In other words, parents and twins themselves need to see their individuality and respect their uniqueness. In order to teach twins to share you must let them experience “real” sharing. One way to encourage sharing is to teach them the difference between mine and yours. For example, designate some important objects in the non-share zone. Parents can see which toys, clothing, and friends are special and keep them as separate. Other toys, friends, etc. can be shared and labeled as such. Adult twins know not to share but they can tumble into sharing everything, including opinions and advice and “too much information.” Adult twins need to learn to respect their twin by not being critical. From first-hand experience I know that keeping your unsolicited thoughts to yourself can be very difficult because twins see themselves in one another. Unfortunately, sharing critical thoughts is destructive to the health of the twin attachment as the aging process takes hold.

Young twins, teenage twins, and adult twins need to have exclusive no-sharing zones. The following strategies will make psychological room for the no-share space between twins.

1.  As a parent, know and talk about differences between twins.
2.  Be aware of sharing behavior and try to understand why it is necessary. Do your twins need more individual attention?
3.  As a twin, understand the times when you are codependent and why.
4.  Talk about what you would like to share and what is private and respect these boundaries.
5.  Remember, you are not your twin.

Sharing that is based on the wrong reasons, which involve convenience or identity confusion, will lead to serious fighting and entanglements.

Many phone calls and e-mails from twins and their parents are about separation issues that are particular to twins. For their children, parents ask, “When is the best time to separate my children?” And, “What is the best way to develop my children’s individuality?” Obviously, there are no pat answers to these questions. In adulthood, learning to living separate lives can lead to emotional confusion. Getting along as very different people is often a serious problems for twins. Sometimes a twin asks about fighting with their twin or disappointment with their twin, but the core issue that twins ask me about is always related to how they can get along with their twin.

I have spent a lifetime trying to get along with my twin sister. Sometimes I have been successful accepting her way of dealing with me. Sometimes we have been successful getting along. And at other times I have had to distance myself from her. There are no easy answers to creating harmony between twins that I have found as a twin and as a psychologist. Without a doubt, twins have conflicted and complicated relationships because of the power of their bond. Non-twins cannot understand their deep pull toward one another and their deep resentment. Smart parents are certainly in the right when they take separation of their twins as crucial to their children’s happiness and social-emotional well-being.

From my perspective the first thing that you have to do to get along with your twin is to understand that you are very different people. YOU ARE NOT YOUR TWIN. No matter how identical you and your twin appear to be, you are each special and individual. Each twin within a twin pair sees the world through his or her own eyes. Twins share a very deep and primary bond. Fortunately, twins usually have different interests and want to live separate lives. It is natural and healthy for twins to have their own friends when they are feeling self-confident. When life gets tough, twins want the comfort of their twin identity. They may turn to each other for support in times of crisis. Closeness can and will lead to arguments when bad situations are resolved.

Fighting is a result of too much closeness and too much need for mutuality. You and your twin do not have to agree with each other. Essential to a non-combative relationship is respect for one another. Saying this is easy, but holding onto who you are and how you are different from your twin is hard to do. You try to be supportive and understanding, but you can become frustrated with your twin interaction. From my longstanding interest in twin development and the many people I have worked with over the last 30 years, here are some tips that can diffuse the deep entanglements that twins experience:

For Parents

1.  Carefully develop a unique attachment to each of your twins when they are born and as they grow.
2.  Talk to each child about how special they are to you as an individual and as a twin.
3.  Respect your twin children’s deep attachment.
4.  Discipline the child who misbehaves, not the twin pair.
5.  Encourage close helpers such as grandparents, teachers, and nannies to treat your twins as individuals.
6.  Gradually separate your twins, being careful to talk about how they feel being separated.

For Adult Twins

1.  Try to understand your anger at your twin and put your anger into perspective.
2.  Respect your twin’s differences.
3.  Have an objective understanding of how you are different and similar to your twin.
4.  Identify areas of harmony and disharmony.
5.  Look at your anger or feelings of estrangement as a temporary state of mind that can change with time.
6.  Value the harmony you have with one another and try and make that the focus of your adult relationship.

There is no question in my mind that homework needs to be completed and turned in to the teacher. Unfortunately, this year I have heard more and more parents complaining about their children not doing their homework. And the next seriously hard thing for kids to do is to is to actually hand their homework in to the teacher. Why is homework such a huge problem? What happens to completed homework that is mysteriously lost at school or forgotten at home? We all know that there is no homework monster that steals your son or daughter’s completed work.

Both parents and teachers are very clear that homework is the child’s responsibility to be taken seriously and completed carefully. Obviously, children don’t want to bother to do their homework. Children want to do what they want to do. Homework is a bore no matter how much your children love you and want to make you happy. Even the most engaging homework from the most wonderful of schools may be an annoying and bothersome task. When a child is angry about school or his/her family life, homework can become a more serious problem to manage. A school that does not fit your child’s learning style can everyone’s life miserable.

The bottom line is that homework needs to be completed. And honestly, when I was growing up long ago there was no question that all assignments sent home were completed and returned. The culture of education has changed. There is more tolerance for wiggling out of homework. Some parents and schools no longer support the policy of letter grades. So children do get mixed messages about how important following the school and home rules actually is. Children are encouraged to have their own opinions, and they are allowed to express them openly.

Certainly an open-minded approach to parenting and education is valuable. But I believe as an intellectual community we have gone too far in trying to listen to our children’s complaints, insistent demands, and even temper tantrums about how they want their life to proceed without homework.

Clear standards and expectations need to be explained and respected by your children. A special place and time is very important to establish a routine to follow with as much predictability as is possible. Of course, life situations can take place that alter schedules, but still parents must be serious about helping their children get their homework completed.

Homework problems are a cry for help from your child. If you and your family is having problems with homework, there are two avenues to consider. First, are you as the parent helping your child to take school responsibilities seriously? Second, does your son or daughter have a learning or behavioral problem that needs to be addressed by a professional?

When the parent is the problem with homework getting back to school

There are certain parental attitudes and behaviors that definitely contribute to homework problems.

1.  Parents are too busy to take the time to set up and follow through on a homework routine.
2.  Parents are too easy going or too indifferent to their child’s learning responsibilities.
3.  Parents encourage their child to be defiant and opinionated.
4.  Parents are too preoccupied to follow through on checking homework.
5.  Parents are fighting about how to raise their children and they let the homework problems fall through the cracks.
6.  Delegation of authority to tutors, nannies, and grandparents who are not parents or the child’s primary advocate.

When the child is having learning problems and cannot manage their homework

Sometimes your son or daughter really is lost and needs help doing the school work that comes home. Here are some indicators of your child’s learning struggles:

1.  The teacher tells you your child needs help.
2.  Your child is afraid to go to school.
3.  Your child does not have any friends to play with at school.
4.  Your child is always angry and defiant.
5.  Sickness or family trauma has created emotional and behavioral problems that require attention from professionals.
6.  Your child has a learning disability or other educational problems that require specific interventions.
7.  The school you have selected is too pressured for your child, who is shutting down and not paying attention at school because he or she is so unhappy.

Decide where the homework problem starts. Is the problem related to your inattention? Is your child facing learning challenges that need tutorial help or professional intervention? Is the school setting inappropriate for how your child best learns?

You need to get behind homework challenges and show your child how to move forward in learning how to face challenges that are not necessarily interesting or fun.

CBC.ca "The Current with Anna Marie Tremonti" interviewed me on December 4, 2014 about twins:

From their website: "Many of you shared stories about being an identical twin but not all the stories were happy. We reached out to Stephanie Barnes who wrote us asking for a discussion on when twins aren't soulmates and best friends. She suggested we get in touch with twin researcher and psychologist Barbara Klein who is the author of "Alone in the Mirror: Twins in Therapy". So we did."

The audio can be found here:

http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/popupaudio.html?clipIds=2625444519

In today’s world, “never enough” and “doing to do” (relentless activity) have become an acceptable state of mind and a goal to strive toward. Pressures to purchase, achieve, accumulate, and experiment are ever-present in our culture. Parents have to decide what to expose their children to as they are growing up. “What is appropriate for my child?” has become a serious concern for parents. How fast is fast enough? Does every child have to learn to read in kindergarten? How many playdates, after-school classes, trendy toys, computer games are really necessary? Every parent has to ask themselves, “When is enough, enough?”
 
Life in the parenting fast lane, which includes a focus on doing everything right and getting every activity and playdate accomplished, is a disaster for gifted children and their families. Gifted children are emotionally intense and perfectionistic by their very nature. They are excruciatingly sensitive to pressures to achieve and perform in school and with friends. And precocious kids can and will over-react to too much stimulation. When mom and dad are anxious about managing their children’s schedules so that every activity is completed, a red flag of trouble can go up for the precocious child. When mom and dad are rushing their kids to school, children experience the attendant pressure and anxiety. In addition, gifted kids are then rushed home, and then taken off to classes and to playdates and tutors. Inevitably, having too much going on will backfire. Gifted children will express their overwhelmed feelings in outlandish temper tantrums. Actually, gifted kids need down-time with their parents to process their thoughts and feelings, some time drawing or reading, or just time being quiet.

It can be dangerous for the development of potential of a gifted child to always be on the go. Parents and children need to slow down and think about what they like to do best or worst, or what has to go. And also, really necessary, is to learn what has to be tolerated no matter what. Homework is done no matter how boring. Hitting your sister for being in your way or just being born is not acceptable. Telling your sister she is a brat is rude and should be against house rules. Gifted kids need to learn to filter out their outrageous behavior. And when parents are too on the go this type of “rude craziness” will be tolerated to just keep the never-enough ball rolling.

Consequences of Fast Lane Parenting for Gifted Kids

1.  Your son or daughter will become more perfectionist and competitive with themselves and others. For example, fast lane children are more likely to say that they hate themselves or that their friends hate them.
2.  The ability to make friendships and keep them will be hampered because companionship is too invested in competition—doing and having the right toys and friends.
3.  Schooling can become boring or not important because it is not charged with enough self-focused intensity.
4.  Collaborative learning experiences will be marginalized when they are actually very crucial as a learning tool.

Rewards of Mindful Parenting

1.  Your child will be calmer and more tolerant of family life and school-related issues.
2.  Your son or daughter will learn to play with a a variety of children in different activities without being overly fearful or judgmental.
3.  Discipline will be easier because parental intensity is reduced by clear goals and expectations.
4.  Your child will develop interests that are the foundation of his or her identity.
5.  Your child will learn to play on his/her own and develop a confident sense of self.

Activities That Promote Calm and Thoughtful Children

1.  Careful choice of activities and discussions of how well your child likes the experience (or does not).
2.  Clear goals and expectations that are child-centered and respected.
3.  Consequences that are appropriate when unacceptable choices are made by your child.
4.  Quiet time every day, which calms down emotional intensity.
5.  Family time every day to develop a sense of family warmth and love.
6.  Homework time when homework is assigned.
7.  Exercise that the child wants to participate in, such as team or individual sports, or creative dance or martial arts.
8.  Community experiences that teach the value of sharing.

In conclusion, parents can calm down their gifted children by being mindful of not adding activities and pressure to their children’s day to day life. Validating calm and responsibility is equally important to a balanced home life. As you try to invest in a calmer lifestyle, your child will learn to do so as well.

“Yes” is the honest answer. No schooling experience can or will always be positive and run smoothly. Challenges are natural and an important part of the learning process. Children develop coping skills when they are having difficulties with academics, friends, siblings, teachers and parents.

Are you saying to yourself, “How is this happening? I have spent countless hours selecting the right school for my child.”

You can blame yourself for making a “mistake.” Or, perhaps, you did the best you could to find a school and you are not satisfied with the outcome. You are in the company of many caring and devoted parents who question what is really happening in their child’s classroom: “Is my child learning anything?” There are productive ways to deal with school issues that seem to cry out for help. Here are some suggestions.

Positive Interventions to Help Resolve Learning Challenges
     1.  Develop an understanding of the problem your child is having by asking your child and your child’s teacher how serious the learning challenge really is. By having two different perspectives you will have a better sense of the problem. Is your child more troubled by his/her issues or is the teacher more concerned? Ask yourself: “Am I ignoring my child’s challenges or over-reacting? Am I putting my own issues onto my son or daughter and not seeing the real issue.” For example, reading was hard for you. Is reading as hard for your child or are you projecting your feelings onto your child? Making friends was hard for you, so perhaps you are imagining that your child has the same problem that you had with friendships.
     2.  Make a plan to work on your child’s challenges, which might include academics or social emotional issues. The plan should include talking informally to your child and offering to help.
     3.  Make a chart or some form of accountability criteria to measure progress and stalling points.
     4.  With an understanding of the parameters of the problem, look for help from an expert.
     5.  Point out positive growth along the way, which provides motivation and encouragement.
     6.  Find motivation that is meaningful, and give rewards for work that is well done.
    
Reaction and Strategies That Make Learning Challenges Even More Problematic
     As hard as parents try, sometimes their plans backfire and learning problems become more difficult to solve. Here are some strategies to avoid.
     1.  Understand that ignoring the challenges your child faces because you are too busy or don’t want to spend the time it will take to assess the issue and to remediate it make the problem grow bigger.
     2.  Blaming someone, such as yourself or your husband, is counterproductive because it is not a problem-solving strategy. Rather, blaming creates tension and resentment, which stresses your child further and takes you farther from your goal.
     3.  Do not adopt a dramatic scenario or an exaggerated personal narrative, such as, “My child is not under-socialized; he/she is on the autistic spectrum.” “My child won’t read and he/she is not gifted.”
     4.  Over-focusing on a problem will merely intensify your child’s anxiety and prevent them from moving forward.
     5.  Adopting a self-fulfilling prophecy, such as, “M y child cannot do any better,” is a recipe for disaster. Positive attitudes are critical to your child’s success.
    
Learning and social emotional challenges can be resolved if they are dealt with slowly and with a great deal of attention to problem-solving. If you can accept that school problems arise that are normal and useful learning opportunities, your child will learn that struggling with a challenge is an important lesson. When children do their best, their perfectionistic attitudes will go by the wayside and more work is accomplished.

While images of harmony and seamless closeness permeate our cultural and popular presentations and understanding of twins, the dark and disconnected feelings that twins share are very alive and real for countless twins. Indeed, twins who don’t get along or who are actually estranged from one another are burdened with feeling that they are “not normal” twins by onlookers or non-twins. The reality of harmony and disharmony between twins is in my opinion is a difficult one for non-twins to understand. Superficially explaining the twin relationship to others is very challenging to impossible. Twins know that getting along with your twin is often fraught with anger, pain, and confusion. The pressure from others to get along in order to be “normal” compounds deeply conflicted issues such as who is smarter, prettier, shinier, richer, more popular. and more successful. When there is an actual imbalance in a twinship because one twin is labeled good and the other bad, or one twin has a serious disability or other distinct problem, disharmony can create feelings of guilt and shame for both twins.

The inability to get along with your twin can be totally real and, to me, understandable. Living separate lives is a reasonable solution to anger or even deep rage at your twin. Continual fighting can create deeper rifts that may be more impossible to resolve than childhood identity confusion and enmeshment. Think about what you value in your twin relationship. Compassion, understanding, and all kinds of hands-on support are building blocks of positive twin relationships. Anger, disappointment, humiliation, jealousy, and shaming are non-productive ways of dealing with your adult twin. Wanting and expecting that things will all of sudden be different and harmonious is another fantasy that creates more pain for twins. If non-productive interactions such as anger, rage, and disappointment or fantasies about how things will magically get better is the basis of your twin relationship, then living very separate lives works for you.

When you live separate lives you can embrace your independence. You will find yourself as an individual who is also a twin. Feeling guilt or shame about a lack of closeness and attunement you share with your twin is understandable, but really not necessary. In other words, you do not have to get along with your twin no matter who thinks that you should. Developing a workable compassionate relationship with your twin takes a lot of time and energy. Screaming at each other or even physical fighting are not ways to embrace your twinship. Feeling satisfied with your own efforts is the first step to getting along.

What I am saying here is twins live separate lives for many reasons. One reason is to learn to be themselves as an individual so they can put their twinship into the perspective it belongs.

Achievement, or being able or motivated to achieve, is in most instances related to the child or teenager’s state of mind. Feeling certain, confident, secure, and safe to express oneself is critical to being able to focus on school-related tasks. Unfortunately, but realistically, having your child be in an emotional place where he or she is positive is no easy task in today’s lightning paced nonstop world. Children today are living in the fast lane. There is always one more class or activity to take, one more video game to learn, or one more cell phone to answer. If you live in the fast lane, what you are doing oftentimes feels like “not enough.” This never-enough state of mind undermines self-esteem and motivation to achieve.

For our children and teenagers, testing pressures, social pressures, athletic competition, consumerism, and materialism are rampant. These external pressures create serious roadblocks to self development. Internet exposure is truly a frightening stimulus that exposes children and teenagers to too much adult information without a context. Internet use that is not monitored is shocking and confusing to still developing minds. Older family members—grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins—who used to give advice and transmit values live too far away to provide optimal support. Or relatives are too busy themselves to be of help in giving direction to youngsters establishing their identities.

Without a doubt, centering, focus, and balance are hard for kids and teenagers to find inside of themselves. Confidence and self-esteem can easily fly out the window when your son or daughter is too intense about schoolwork, homework, and peer pressures. Life that is populated with overstimulating interactions, expectations, and adult information will create or stimulate emotional intensity that is counterproductive to academic success. Creating a predictable stability in your family life is critical to your son or daughter’s sense of self and ability to focus on school and learning. Teaching your child values that reflect what is “enough” and putting into perspective the “anything goes” pop culture is imperative. Being calm and attentive and dealing directly with your child’s state of mind is essential, but not an easy task.

Family time is crucial. Activities that you do with your child such as travel, sports, hiking, community events, concerts, home and art projects enrich your youngster’s life and connection with you. The more healthy the attachment between parent and child, the more easily the teenage years will be for the family. Start early helping your child stay on track when he or she is learning the basics. Use your positive attachment to figure out a way to motivate your child to enjoy basic schoolwork. While your child’s school may have problems doling out knowledge, blaming the school is not enough. Parents have to work hard to keep their child on track. Academic achievement becomes more stressful and impossible for teenagers who, if they are depressed or lost, want to rebel against any type of standards that are established by parents and schools.

What you can do:
1.  Know your child’s strengths and limitations and work on both aspects of their identity.
2.  Informally monitor what is going on with homework, schoolwork, and friends.
3.  Calmly help your child succeed.
4.  Develop strong cooperative interaction and collaboration with your child’s teachers and the school community.
5.  Set up clear and reasonable consequences for unacceptable behavior.
6.  Develop wholesome activities to do with your child that promote parent-child bonding.
7.  Be available to discuss your child or teenager’s concerns openly.
8.  Limit screen time while making family time meaningful to your son or daughter.