Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Children's book author Linda Herron made her debut in 2019 with her hit Mac & Madi's Surprise: A Very Different Twins Birthday! In a delightful rendition of her own childhood as an identical twin, Herron promised it would be the first of a series of Mac and Madi's adventures. Published by Big Little Press in December 2019, Mac & Madi Get Sporty: The Twins Surprising Journey to find their Sport!  is available now in hardcover, paperback, eBook and Kindle Unlimited from $18.99, $13.99 and $1.99 respectively on Amazon.com.

In Mac and Madi's latest adventure, Linda Herron illustrates the hurdles the girls must overcome, testing their bond as they encounter differences between themselves and challenging the stereotype of identical twins. As a twin herself, Herron knows all too well about growing up with the assumption that you and your twin are a carbon copy of one another. Featuring everyday situations like sports activities throughout her book, the author highlights the importance of individuality in the world of twins. Rather than confining them to the traits that make them identical in all aspects; she inspires twins to grow individually like all other siblings. Readers will follow along as the characters pursue the activities that lead them to doing something different from each other.

Author, Linda Herron says, "May you embrace your likeness, learn how to grow as individuals, and love your journey as best friends!"

Mac & Madi get Sporty is an inspiring and educational story with beautiful illustrations. It will captivate readers as the twins navigate the light-hearted perils of life as young identical twins. Join the girls on their journey to self-discovery in following their chosen activities, away from the comfort zone of their identical twin relationship.

Reviewed by Barbara Klein, Ph.D. an author, and psychologist who is a known researcher on the development of twin identity. The book review reads; "Mac and Madi's parents made excellent action-based decisions about how to help their children develop individuality. With a deep appreciation for the closeness that twins share, they gave their children opportunities to try different sports activities together and to make their own decision."

About the author: Born and raised in Rhode Island, she now resides in San Jose, CA. She enjoys sharing children's stories about being an identical twin. Her latest book Mac and Madi get Sporty depicts an important message that Linda knows is easily relatable for all siblings and twins.

https://www.lherron.com

I hope that twins will understand and agree when I declare that twinship as viewed by objective scientists and “onlookers” is very different from how twins see themselves. Twins experience twinship as a roller coaster ride between harmony and despair. For me and my fellow twins, an outsider’s perspective on twinship is mind boggling and just plain wrong.

Unfortunately, after many decades of talking and writing about twins, it is still hard for me to describe such a complicated emotional attachment, which of course has different varieties from twinship to twinship. With this honest disclaimer, I can say: The still waters of twins’ emotional connections run deep.

A most prominent feature of this enmeshed alliance is the readiness to engage in an argument with your twin about a decision that inevitably leads to the question of who is right and who is wrong. And, remarkably, twins hold on to the place-makers of their intuitions and opinions very strongly with entitlement and decisiveness. Each twin takes her own side seriously. The experience of making a decision with your twin can create love and harmony or deep anger or rage. Casually agreeing to the same strategy at the same time is unusual, to say the least.

When my twin and I got an idea in our head, we held on to it. For all of our lives, arguing about a decision could lead to fireworks or war. I would slam the phone in disgust, or she would say critical things about my character which implied that I was too stupid to see her point of view. Every argument was crucial. While some arguments were life-changing, others were about where to buy dessert or shop for a new outfit or which yoga class was most spiritually healing. Obviously, it is difficult to describe this intensity. But trying to measure an unexplained narcissistic personality characteristic is impossible. Objective tests, such as the MMPI, will not explore these characteristics. Drawings, paintings, sculpture, poetry, memoir, fiction, and non-fiction writing capture the experience of love and hate, closeness and fighting, enmeshment and individuality that makes the twin relationship special.

My own experience being “just Barbara” started and stopped, depending on the environment we were placed in. As toddlers, Marge and I were double trouble. We worked together to tear up World Book encyclopedias in our cribs. Our inappropriate behavior was tolerated, because we were not fighting or crying, which allowed the family some peace. We drank red-colored furniture polish from the cabinet in the kitchen. As a result, we took a ride in the ambulance to the hospital with our terrified mother to have our stomachs pumped. We enjoyed getting into mischief. We wanted to be together. Togetherness was a lot of fun and brought a lot of attention.

In childhood, our parents saw us as one. We walked hand in hand to school. We played games like who could make their ice cream cone last longer. We dressed alike and dressed our Madame Alexander dolls alike. (Madame Alexander was a precursor to Barbie.) Fooling around at religious school and on holidays was normal and acceptable. We were treated as one and reacted as a unit. Our twin attention colored our development. However, we were not treated as two peas in a pod. We were treated as opposites. Each of us had our own role in the twinship. I was the responsible and caretaking twin. Margie was the adventurer and the instigator of fun and making double trouble. I was the one who looked at the practical aspects of fun. Gradually our roles lead to the development of individuality and created deep struggles with separation.

Actually seeing that I could stand on my own began in middle school. We were different in that she wanted to belong with the popular crowd, and I was not interested. I liked boyfriends, and she liked the popular girls. While no one talked about our differences, being “just Barbara” was visible to our parents and extended family. We were also allowed to dress alike.

My smart friends and colleagues ask hard questions. Did you and your sister experience life in the same way? Do you agree on the facts of your life, such as developmental milestones? Onlookers ask more obvious and superficial questions: Who was fatter? And who was thinner? Who was smarter? And who was prettier? Who is richer? Who has more children? The more objective the question, the more the answers are agreed upon. Subjective material starts the intensity of the fighting. And I ask myself: Why do onlookers care?

Comparison and competition are natural for twins. These interactions cannot be denied. When measurement from outsiders is handled with psychological mindedness, then it is ostensibly harmless. When onlookers’ questions are for fun or judgment, they are hurtful and erode the closeness that twins share in their compassion for each other.

Why do adult twins care so much about their twin’s decisions or opinions? From my personal experience, what triggers caring about someone who humiliates you (or is not on your side) is a form of self-loathing.

What helps, in the long run, to stop fighting is to follow your own dreams whatever they may be. Your twin will learn to respect you for moving on.

If there were a simple answer to the complicated social issues related to the making of friends that gifted children commonly have, I would put my answer in BOLD on the internet for parents of gifted children.

Social development is often an issue for gifted children. All too often, parents hear unqualified people say, “Your child is autistic.” Don’t listen to unqualified opinions about your child. People such as teachers or coaches, or even your relatives, may just be having a hard time connecting/dealing with your child. Educational research has shown that the teacher if the most important person in your child’s day. The teacher who said your child is autistic is having a hard time connecting to your child.

If your child is shy, apprehensive, or slow to warm up to new people, even though he or she is curious, alert, and intellectually inclined, don’t worry. Gifted children are commonly anxious in new social situations. The social anxiety of gifted children is very different than the social-skills issues of autistic children.

Autistic children learn social behavior (social skills) by following the directions of a trained adult. Gifted children who are apprehensive in new situations learn social skills using their intellectual strengths, and through past experiences. Speaking with gifted children about their social problems and grouping them with children who have similar problems is very effective in increasing their social skills and making of friends.

Mainstreaming gifted children is essential. Placing bright and talented children with children who are not communicative is sure to cause boredom and self-criticism for your gifted child. Social skills will not be acquired in a behavioristic classroom.

What helps precocious children with social anxiety are:
1.  Talking about their anxious feelings in social situations and neutralizing their anxiety. For examp[le, you might say, “I was very anxious meeting new people when I was your age.” Gifted children often feel inadequate on the playground. Explain to your child that lots of children have this problem. Try asking, “Do you want to make a playdate with someone you get along with?”
2.  Mainstreaming with other gifted children.
3.  Role playing social situations.
4.  Reading stories about social anxiety, and hearing how it was successfully turned around.
5.  Social anxiety/social skills play groups.

Labelling your child as autistic is a dangerous option that is used too frequently by non-professionals. Ask any specialist how much experience they have with social anxiety in gifted children. You might ask the specialist for references from the children they worked with to make sure you have the right person to work with your child.

Popular culture and mythology suggests that twins have an ideal relationship. These stereotypical ideas have infected our meaningful understanding of twinship. In reality the opposite is true. Twins have a very difficult time getting along. More often than not, twins feel ashamed that they can’t get along because friends and relatives are always asking why. As well, multiple birth children often feel deeply ashamed of one another as they grow and separate.

In my personal and professional experiences, I have learned that knowing that you are not the only twin who hasn’t spoken to their twin for an extended period of time is an enormous emotional relief. As a young adult, I did not talk to my twin sister for more than ten years. I was ashamed of myself and felt deeply judged and damaged by my ability/inability to tolerate her abusive behavior. Other twins have had this experience, called “breaking up.” Knowing you are not a damaged person because you don’t get along with your twin is healing.

Understanding twin development helps parents of twins and twins who are in conflict with one another resolve, demystify, and clarify the issues that come from fighting and estrangement. Here is why. Twins are competitive with each other and/or jealous of one another because of their unique and deep attachment, which creates judgments. This rivalry is based on the reality that twins measure themselves against each other from an early age. Which twin gets more food, love, attention, toys and special time is compared and contrasted verbally and non-verbally. Comparison is a part of childhood life that leads to big questions between twins such as:

    •    Who has the right answer? (I say, both of us are entitled to our opinion.)
    •    Who made the big mistake? (Let’s fix this problem.)
    •    Who is to blame for the mess in the living room? (I will help you.)
    •    Who is smarter, prettier, richer, thinner? (Who cares?)
Childhood competition and comparative judgments create fighting that lives on and on. Juxtaposed to resentment and anger is the longing for understanding and harmony. One hundred percent of the twins who contact me have this problem of anger and longing for understanding. Adult twins feel comforted when they learn that they are not the only twins that are not able to get along. Speaking with others who have similar conflicts is not only healing but promotes problem-solving strategies to get along with your sister or brother.

Here are some facts about twin conflict that need to be talked about openly:
    1.    Individuality is the key to controlling fighting.
    2.    Favoritism is common and very unhealthy for both twins.
    3.    Separation issues are normal and frustrating.
    4.    Accepting your twin’s new friends or romantic interests is provocative.
    5.    Parents will have to find a way to deal with anger between their children.
    6.    Separating twins by interests and educational needs is very important to individuality and can eliminate some fighting and jealousy.
    7.    Twin anger is short-lived if it is acknowledged and understood.


In conclusion, understanding and knowledge about twin development are healing tools for twins in conflict. Teaching twins to tolerate seeing the world differently is the first step.

Twins are born married, sharing their psychological and physical attachment. Measuring themselves against each other is a natural and normal way of defining each twin as unique. Parents start the measurement dialogue. Who is calmer? Who is bigger? Who sleeps better? Who finishes eating first? Who is smarter and who is better-looking, prettiest, has the best smile, the personality of a princess?

These questions are among the most common comparisons that parents and onlookers ask about, which (unknowingly) begins the competition of every twinship.

Raising twins to be content with how they are different from one another is an extremely difficult task that will take time and attention to how each of your children reacts to their co-twin and others. There are no easy answers or recipes for making each of your twins feel unique. When you are able to see each child for themselves and embrace their singularity, they will learn that they are different and it is normal to be different. Fighting and competition will be lessened significantly.

Developing individuality is the most crucial aspect of parenting as it directs healthy motivation to learn and to develop emotional balance and social skills. Language development and separation anxiety are minimized when twins can be involved in their own distinct activities that are not shared. Overall mental well-being is strengthened when twins are engaged in different activities and with different friends. Social skills and friendships with other children grow naturally.

As I say this to parents I realize that some of you will find that your children may not want to do separate activities because they are so used to being with each other. But don’t give up on finding something that is interesting for one child and the other child could care less about. For example, maybe one twin likes a special book and her sister or brother thinks it is boring. Go with this difference by showing pride in each of their interests. More and different interests will emerge as they try new activities without each other. If at first, they are unsure of themselves or fearful without their twin, use encouragement to keep them trying to be comfortable in new and separate activities.

The most serious issue between twins is competition. It makes sense to reduce the amount of time twins spend with one another doing the same things and playing compare and contrast. “You got more cookies than I did.” “No, you are so fat that you shouldn’t even want cookies. I am helping you fit into your leotard.” In my experiences with twins, the worst of all times is when they are together for too long because fighting really does get out of control.

Twins need to get rid of twin energy and double trouble productively. Sports, artistic activities, and music are perfect activities for twins and their challenged parents. First, children will come home tired. Next, they will be making new friends and learning new things on their own. And best of all, your twins will learn to be separate and have fun with new people.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/twin-dilemmas

The most commonly asked question from twins who visit me online or in person goes something like this: “My twin and I have not spoken to each other in years because we cannot agree on how to get along. Our parents and siblings and friends want us to get along. But my twin triggers deep anger and resentment in me. Sometimes just hearing her voice sets me into a downward spiral of anger at her and self hatred at myself for not being able to get along with her.”
    In my personal and professional experiences twin fighting is normal, expectable, and understandable. Fighting becomes more painful and frustrating as twins get older and cannot resolve their differences of opinion. Older twins often come to accept their distance and estrangement, but accepting that you can’t get along is always painful.
    In most situations twin fighting is based on limited or inadequate parenting, which might include:
    1.  Treating twins as a unit, as if they are joined at the hip.
    2.  Polarizing twins into “bad” and “good” in an attempt to treat them differently.
    3.  Not providing enough opportunities for individual development.
    4.  Expecting twins to “parent” one another due to parental indifference.

Stopping the fighting between twins begins in the crib and continues on to the end of time in some situations where estrangement develops. Managing fighting is very hard to do because of the intensity involved between the twin pair. While outsiders to the relationship just want the fighting to stop, the reality and depth of anger or neediness is so intense that it can be impossible to stop. Often, fighting is based on experiences of the twin sister or brother being abusive emotionally or physically. Sometimes abuse based on competition is apparent. After listening to so much twin fighting, I have thought that there needs to be a twin court to resolve the serious disputes between twins. But I know in reality that twins need to make their own decisions about when they have had enough of their twin’s humiliation and unkind or hurtful behavior.
    Strategies that I have found effective to reduce the intensity of anger include:
    1.  Accepting that all twins fight.
    2.  Understanding why you are fighting and trying to eliminate triggers by not “going over them” with your twin. (“Going over things” is also known as perseveration. Let it go.)
    3.  Estrangement between twins is common and has different outcomes depending of the health of each twin.
    4.  It is better not to fight and avoid one another than to continually go over and over the anger you have at each other.
    5.  Get distance from your twin and reflect on what you need and want that is different than your sister or brother.
    6.  Seek out the support of a psychotherapist.
    7.  Become educated in the knowledge of twin development.
    8.  Make friends who are twins and share your problems with them.
    
In conclusion, there is no shame in not being able to get along with your twin. Lots of twins don’t get along. Keeping your problems with your twin a secret will surely make your problems more manageable.

Mac and Madi are identical twins who do everything together. Everything! But, life is about to change. Mac is a tennis prodigy while Madi loves to score goals on the soccer field. Faced with some tough decisions, Mac and Madi agree to go their separate ways and focus on their respective sports. But will the choice to do things differently make or break their seemingly unbreakable bond?

available on Amazon and https://www.lherron.com/

Rules for Decorum and Strategies to Enjoy Yourself
 
    Family holidays are hard for everyone because of the extra work involved from planning to cooking, cleaning and travel. Expectations for harmony and good feelings about family members is  complicated and understated, but always a criteria for a good dinner or event. In my own experiences wanting to get along at this time of the year with family and extended family can often be an impossible goal.
    Families with twins have even more problems just enjoying themselves. Favoritism can be played out in very difficult and hurtful ways. Who is the twin who will host the party? Who won’t come because of anger at parents and their twin? I hear or I am bombarded with the same twin concerns over and over again: “My children can’t get along with your children because you are a bad mother or father. My husband or wife cannot bear to be with you again. We will not be joining you. Why can’t you and your sister get along? Why does my twin treat me as if I am invisible?”
    I could go on about these endless and seriously intense conflicts that are unfortunately very common in twin extended families. Unhappiness is always a side effect. Resentment and anger between twins from earlier life experiences come alive again as if they happened yesterday, not twenty years ago. Adult coping strategies can go out the window and be replaced by five year old (preschool) behavior. Parents can be demanding that twins get along and help one another, which creates more pressure. Grandparents often say: “You are old enough to get along.” Or, “Just get along for us.”
    In my own childhood experiences the holiday season was always unhappy. No matter how we tried to arrange the festivities there was always fighting and chaos. The food was awful. Mother was hysterical. Father was angry. And Marjorie refused to eat. Everyone left unhappy. After many years of anger and disappointment I am relieved to spend my holiday with my own children and my married family. I am no longer sad that we couldn’t work out our differences. The ugly behavior that was manifested was unbearable and intolerable. And I am sure that I am not alone in my actions and  reactions of trying to get along with my sister at a family party. Being center stage as a twin is harder as you get older, not easier. As an adult you know what others are thinking and saying about you and that they can never understand your pain. You feel lonely and misunderstood. It does not help to improve your relationship with your twin. So why do it?
    Here are some approaches if you have not reached the end of your rope like I have.
 
Rules of Decorum
    1.  Talk to your twin about problems that could arise before a family event.
    2.  Send an email confirming that you have spoken and agreed to certain rules. For example, talking about the past or trying to prove your point is not acceptable.
    3.  Do not bring up questions that provoke comparison and competition and uncomfortable feelings, such as, “Why did Genevieve's daughter drop out of school?
    “Have you noticed how much weight your sister has gained?”
    “Where are you going on vacation? We are off to the Hawaiian Islands.”

Strategies for Getting Along
1.  Follow the rules of decorum.
2.  Bring something to share that you are grateful for.
3.  Bring a hostess gift.
4.  Memorize positive thoughts to share.
5.  Family parties are not therapy sessions.
6.  Be positive and affirm other guests’ feelings.

If there were a simple answer to the complicated social issues related to the making of friends that gifted children commonly have, I would put my answer in BOLD on the internet for parents of gifted children.

Social development is often an issue for gifted children. All too often, parents hear unqualified people say, “Your child is autistic.” Don’t listen to unqualified opinions about your child. People such as teachers or coaches, or even your relatives, may just be having a hard time connecting/dealing with your child. Educational research has shown that the teacher if the most important person in your child’s day. The teacher who said your child is autistic is having a hard time connecting to your child.

If your child is shy, apprehensive, or slow to warm up to new people, even though he or she is curious, alert, and intellectually inclined, don’t worry. Gifted children are commonly anxious in new social situations. The social anxiety of gifted children is very different than the social-skills issues of autistic children.

Autistic children learn social behavior (social skills) by following the directions of a trained adult. Gifted children who are apprehensive in new situations learn social skills using their intellectual strengths, and through past experiences. Speaking with gifted children about their social problems and grouping them with children who have similar problems is very effective in increasing their social skills and making of friends.

Mainstreaming gifted children is essential. Placing bright and talented children with children who are not communicative is sure to cause boredom and self-criticism for your gifted child. Social skills will not be acquired in a behavioristic classroom.

What helps precocious children with social anxiety are:
1.  Talking about their anxious feelings in social situations and neutralizing their anxiety. For examp[le, you might say, “I was very anxious meeting new people when I was your age.” Gifted children often feel inadequate on the playground. Explain to your child that lots of children have this problem. Try asking, “Do you want to make a playdate with someone you get along with?”
2.  Mainstreaming with other gifted children.
3.  Role playing social situations.
4.  Reading stories about social anxiety, and hearing how it was successfully turned around.
5.  Social anxiety/social skills play groups.

Labelling your child as autistic is a dangerous option that is used too frequently by non-professionals. Ask any specialist how much experience they have with social anxiety in gifted children. You might ask the specialist for references from the children they worked with to make sure you have the right person to work with your child.