Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/twin-dilemmas/202007/the-vanishing-half-twins-who-learn-live-their-own-lives

The Power of Attachment
 
    Twin attachment is strong and profound, and a determinant of how twins separate from one another. In general our culture sees twins as having an idealized closeness that is a perfect intimacy. I have heard so many times: “You are so lucky to be a twin. I always wanted a twin who would be my best friend.” I get a horrible look on my face and say: “You must be kidding. My sister and I cannot get along.”
     The lack of understanding related to the uniqueness of twin attachment is multifaceted. It is obvious that scientific researchers have a distorted sensibility about the lives of twins because of their hyperfocus upon unravelling the heredity versus environment debate. Mental health professionals simply do not have a deep understanding of the power of the twin bond and how struggles of twin relationships are intensely conflicted and painful. In general, therapists of twins see twins as having “boundary” issues that can be “fixed” by being firm with others, especially their twin. This very cold and uninformed approach can offer only superficial solutions to deep problems related to intimacy. In addition to all this, the study of psychology has ignored any insight into the dynamics of human relationships that twin relationships could provide.
    The findings of academic or clinical research are fostered by the longstanding cultural mythology and fantasy of twinship being an ideal relationship. The profound attentiveness and mirror-like closeness of twins has become a fascination for lonely individuals who long for such affirmation. Ironically, twins often suffer from a more profound loneliness than nontwins because of their entwined attachment to one another and the depth of “missing” that occurs when they are not together. The basic and profound truth is that the experiences of a twin being a twin is very different than the fantasy and mythology that our culture promotes and revels in. To illustrate this point, consider this language from a twin who shares her deep beliefs about the difficulties and aftereffects of idealization. “So no, don’t believe the mythology of the closeness of twins, their unique relationship, the special bond, and all the other populist ideas that nontwins hold in fascination. It is not true, it is fiction, and an unkind fiction at that. It is unfair that nontwins impose this expectation upon us in popular culture. What is true about twins is that we are individuals, unique within ourselves. We do not deserve unrealistic expectations; we do not deserve unfair comparisons. What we deserve is to be acknowledged as who we are. Ourselves.” --Ann

    The deep and profound idealization of twinship sends ripples of shame into the lives of twins who cannot get along with one another and feel criticized by other people’s intrusive beliefs that they should naturally be able to be attuned to their twin. The reality of developing a healthy adult relationship with one’s twin is very complicated and difficult. The fantasy that all twins can and do get along is nonsensical and prejudicial to twins. By prejudicial I mean that the belief that twins who can get along are normal, and those twins who do not get along are not normal but damaged and defective casts a deep prejudice against the reality of twins’ experiences in their twin relationships. Deeply held cultural beliefs like these create life-long struggles for twins encountering others who expect them to know everything about and be in total connection with their twin. In reality, as twins move through the life span and develop their own lives with spouses, children, professions, etc., they naturally come to know fewer details of each other’s lives. Yet, the idealizations held by society and twins themselves create an expectation that the childhood depth of the twin connection will remain the same throughout the lifespan. When distance and/or estrangement develops, twins are left feeling shame for not living up to cultural expectations. Countless times I have been asked about how my twin sister is doing. When I answer honestly that we are not able to get along, onlookers are shocked. Outsiders will probe for why I can’t get along with her for as long as I allow them to ask more questions. This unacceptable intrusiveness does not happen with siblings who are not close and cannot get along. In my life experience I have never been quizzed on why my older brother and I cannot get along. It seems as if twin intruders are just interested in affirming their vacuous fascination about what it means to be a twin.
    My lifelong interest in the unseen and underexplored lives of twins within their twin relationships and in the nontwin world has lead me to affirm to myself and others that being a twin is very special and very difficult. While twin attachment is powerfully compassionate and everlasting, it is also a source of deep pain and contains the potential for loneliness and depression. Separating in a healthy way from your twin is a struggle. Often I see twinship as a roller coaster ride. On a roller coaster you can always get off. Twins oftentimes feel obligated to get on the roller coaster even when they know that they will be frightened and insecure. The thrill of the ride of twinship can in the long run confuses and exhausts twins.
    Here is my advice:
    1.  Being a twin is hard because learning that it is OK to be different from your twin can be a form of emotional torture. Not being different from your twin will limit your life experiences and trap you into a smaller world.
    2.  Ignore people who try to understand your twin relationship, if those people are not twins.
    3.  Embrace your ability to be empathic with others and share your ability to be close and caring.
    4.  Fighting between twins is necessary but understanding the fighting is a must.
    5.  Continual fighting will erode the twin relationship and destroy closeness between twins.

Strategies to Move Beyond Family Frustrations

    Raising very bright children who are emotionally intense know-it-alls is a serious challenge for the most thoughtful and patient parents. Every week I spend many hours with different parents whose children argue, ignore, harass and frustrate them. I work with these caring parents to normalize and then problem-solve their struggles with their children. Here are some strategies that have been proven to be helpful by parents I work with.
    1.  Have family rules that reflect your values. Being sure of your rules will require you to be clear in your own mind about what is OK and what is not OK. Share these rules with your children. For example,
        a.  being rude to parents, siblings, teachers and friends is not acceptable.
        b.  hitting, screaming, biting and bullying are not tolerated.
        c.  refusing to go to school or not doing your homework is not an option.
    2.  Reduce stress in your house or make exceptions when the family experiences an extra-stressful event.
    3.  Find and pursue activities that your child loves to participate in, from sports, to music, art, acting, singing, cooking and technology. Try to understand and enjoy your child’s passions.
    4.  Understand how bright learners are different from more average learners. Use the many strategies available to help your advanced child to learn.
    5.  Frustration is common or normal for both child and parent. Try to use your frustration to come up with a plan to prevent frustration. This plan might include a schedule for work that needs to be done and regular reviews of work completed.
    6.  Don’t waste your time wishing your child was different.
    7.  Normalize mistakes by sharing your mistakes with your child. Show your son or daughter what you learned from your mistakes. When your child makes mistakes point out what they have learned.
    8.  When you and your son or daughter are at odds take a break before you escalate the argument. Remember, the winner is the calm one at the end of the argument.
    9.  Bright children learn more quickly if they have a perspective on what needs to be learned and why. Adding to tasks that need to be completed or surprise work will only frustrate your child and increase their resistance.
    10.  If a social problem or school problem persists get some help from professionals. Experts have a way of making your life easier and getting you and your family unstuck.
    11.  Read about the challenges your child is facing and apply them to your parent-child interactions.
    12.  When things go wrong do not blame yourself. Just look for a solution.
    In conclusion, the way your neighbor approaches parenting will be different from the way you approach your child’s social, emotional, and intellectual development. It will really help you to find parents with very similar problems to your own and exchange some ideas.

Yes, We Are Different
    The difficulties that twins encounter as they separate from their twin and seek understanding and acceptance of their identity as unique individuals begins at birth and grows and evolves throughout twins’ lives. Feelings of freedom alongside guilt and shame are common as twins struggle to see themselves as individuals. Separation struggles emerge from the in utero attachment that establishes connections that precede any psychological individuation. In other words, twins know themselves first as a unit. The result is that even as twins begin developing an individual sense of self, their shared verbal and nonverbal communication makes it difficult to see or feel themselves as separate. Because young twins experience themselves as “one,” something as basic as not paying attention to each other is difficult to achieve. A hard-to-put-into-words special closeness develops. Playing together is almost automatic when twins are toddlers and young children.
     As twins learn more involved nonverbal and verbal communication, their basic level of profound attachment remains alive and crucial. Understandably, the separation process creates anxiety and fear for twins and can be manifested across a variety of emotional dimensions throughout the life span, including sadness, loneliness, crying, anger, rage, acceptance or estrangement. It is not uncommon, for example, for young twins to have strong reactions when reminded of the absence of their twin. Simply being reminded that their twin is not with them commonly triggers serious bouts of crying. As twins grow, the process of developing individual identities creates strong feelings of anger and resentment that conflict with childhood harmony.
     When feelings of wanting and aggressively seeking to be an individual motivate separation between the twins, anger, loss and estrangement is the result. Often twins have powerful and painful loneliness in adulthood because they see themselves as different from their twin. Intense and recurrent arguments over who is right and who is wrong are painful but common for adult twins.
    At birth, twins’ proximity to each other is crucial. Infant twins are inconsolable when thy are not placed next to one another. Separating twins because of illness or adoption can create traumatic experiences for both twins, which are manifested later in life. The effects of early separation are always traumatic. This trauma is well-described in the book Identical Strangers: A Memoir of Twins Separated and Reunited (Schein & Bernstein, 2007). From a perspective outside of the twin relationship, it is easy to see that young twins enjoy being together and that they like the attention they get for being twins. It is also easy to see the opposite side of the twin relationship, as when twins fight constantly over belongings, activities, friends, etc. And yet, I have found in my work with young twins that no matter what the daytime fighting is about, twins want to and seem to need to spend bedtime together. This observable reality makes me believe that the on-again off-again nature of twin relationships begins very early in life and is very hard to control. Changeable moods in relationship to your twin are much more intense than sibling alliances are. Maintaining a more consistent sense of your twin takes a very long time if you work at this.
    For parents, it is often difficult to contend with the nonstop twin inclination for “double trouble.” “Double trouble” is a shorthand way of describing how intertwin closeness provides a deep comfort and stability that often establishes an alliance through which twins can make life very difficult for parents and outsiders. As the creators of their very own specific and private world, twins can wreak havoc as they learn the how to break through the rules of the family and outside world. Twins using their close attachment can be the ultimate tricksters, playing games that confound family members and others who interact with them. The twin attachment gives the twins power to create a reality that is well liked by both.
    As twin pairs grow into adolescence, more dramatic identity struggles surface. Anger and resentment between twins often fester. Each twin begins to take their own direction more seriously. Harmony is harder to hold onto for adolescent twins. Serious differences can erupt. Eventually teenage twins feel seriously misunderstood by “onlookers,” who idealize and trivialize the twin relationship. Adult twins struggle to form nontwin relationships. Being a twin in the nontwin world can be a lifelong experience of fragmentation, regret, and possibly, renewal. For many twins, including virtually all of those who have shared their stories with me, renewal of the early twin relationship remains elusive. The anger, disappointment and often, estrangement, that are common for twins are, relatively speaking, unexplored or ignored by family and significant others outside of the twinship.
     The distorted belief that twins can naturally get always along easily is a destructive fantasy projected onto twins. For those of you who long for perfect closeness, let me tell you that twin conflicts create horrendous anger and animosity. Mature closeness in adulthood is most likely juxtaposed to the conflict of past misunderstandings. A healthy adult relationship is achieved through hard work in psychotherapy, maturity, and the ability to appreciate your twin’s separate identity.

Suggestions for Recreating Your Childhood Harmony with Your Twin
    1.  Accept that establishing harmony with your twin as an adult is arduous. You will need patience and outside support.
    2.  Appreciate the way you are different from your twin and try to understand and embrace differences as much as you can.
    3.  Do not fight about your differences of opinion. No twin is right. Having different points of view from your twin is important.
    4.  Learn as much as you can about twins.

Insight into extreme anger, loneliness and longing for twin closeness

I have devoted many hours, days, weeks and years trying to understand the love and loyalty, rage, guilt and humiliation that twins have for one another. Fighting and even estrangement can make a twin relationship unbearable. At the same time, twins want to agree and get along in order to work together.
    Twins want to recreate their childhood closeness, which in my personal experiences and my work with twins, seems to be impossible. Here are some facts that have helped me come to my conclusion that a mature adult closeness for twins is very very hard to achieve. Truly, insight and desire to resolve differences can be very helpful. Unfortunately, sometimes getting along for twins in a deep and meaningful way is nearly impossible.
    Here are some facts that I have learned in the span of my career.
    1.  There is 100% agreement among the twins I have spoken with that the experience of being a twin is misunderstood by the general public and our culture. This fact makes twin fighting and rage invisible, ignored or discounted.
    2.  Twin fascination based on idealization of perfect twin closeness is a fantasy. Although twins have become icons of ideal relationships, this iconic myth which is rabid among nontwins or onlookers, is not actually what is fascinating about twins. Rather, the twin capacity for empathy and nonverbal communication and the longing for closeness is what is most interesting about twin relationships.
    3.  Twins have a double identity: as a twin and as an individual. Based on deep developmental attachment, there is an ostensible conflict between both identities that makes separation and independence from the other twin (aka co-twin) frustrating and painful. There seems to be very little awareness of this developmental uniqueness and how it affects twin communication and fighting.
    4.  Social development in twins is very different than social development in nontwins. One hundred percent of the twins I have known agree that loneliness and feeling misunderstood by nontwins is a very serious developmental issue that is very hard to overcome even with the support of close others, including twins, and even with the support of psychotherapy.
    5.  Loneliness in twins is more intense than loneliness in singletons because of the in utero attachment that is the foundation of their identity and that grows as a part of their roots and structures of identity. In other words, being lonely is a frightening and dangerous state of mind for twins, which makes them to eager to get involved with others or to ignore others who easily disappoint them in comparison to their twin.
    6.  Twins do not know the psychological meaning of being a twin until they are interested in exploring this part of their identity. In exploring the affects of being a twin on their life choices, a sense of calm and peace helps the twin accept their struggles and joy more easily.
    7.  Separation from your twin is always difficult. Developmentally there are different challenges at different times of life that are related to separation. Twin loss is unbearable and can create a very serious depression.
    8.  Fighting and jealousy in childhood and adolescence continues on throughout the lives of twins.
    9.  Parents, through their interactions with their twin children, design the attachment that twins share as they grow older and have more experiences outside of the twinship.
    10.  Altering the dynamics of the twin interpersonal attachment can be done with great attention to detail, the positive help of the other twin, and successful psychotherapy.
    11.  Estrangement from your twin is more common than most twins and singletons would imagine and can be very difficult to resolve if anger and fighting get out of control.
    12.  Parenting is crucial to the development of individuality and a trusting twin bond.
    13.  Talking with other twins in a group setting helps put the twin experience into perspective.
    14.  Knowing what it means to you to be a twin creates calmness and focus for those who feel strong enough to try.

Healing from your rage and disappointments

    “Why are there so many emotional ups and down?” is the most asked about issue in my twin groups and from people calling for help with not seeing their twin and being unable to tolerate their loneliness. Healing from fighting and disappointment with your twin is unfortunately a difficult struggle, which is based on a development of unique individuality from your twin that is not focused on competition with your sister or brother or self righteous indignation.
    There are many many steps to climb as you deal with your distance and differences with your sister or brother. The following are useful steps that I and twins with whom I have worked have taken to heal the pain of guilt, loneliness and shame that are common aspects of adult twin relationships.
    1.  Acceptance that you and your twin are not able to get along comfortably or maybe not at all.
    2.  Taking a break from talking with or seeing your twin.
    3.  Communicating with your twin about what is going wrong with your communication and continuing to keep your distance.
    4.  Dealing with family issues of disbelief and anger that you cannot get along.
    5.  Finding close friends and relatives to support you and encourage you.
    6.  Developing your own distinctive identity and friendships.
    7.  Creating adult conversations with your twin that may lead to mature interactions.
    8.  Protecting yourself from falling into the negative embrace of your twin’s criticism of you.
 
    In conclusion, developing a calm and reliable relationship with your adult twin takes time, thoughtfulness and a great deal of humility. Arrogance, self righteousness, and endless fighting will create serious obstacles to creating a working relationship with your twin.

https://www.katemessner.com/read-wonder-and-learn-favorite-authors-illustrators-share-resources-for-learning-anywhere-spring-2020/

    How to de-escalate the emotional disruptions that friends and spouses bring to the twin relationship is an important skill for every twin to learn. One hundred percent of the twins I have talked with openly share that friends and spouses create stress, discord and sometimes contribute to estrangement between twins. No matter how nonjudgmental and accepting your new partner may be to your twin, jealousy will arise between the two of them. And naturally both your twin and new partner will feel threatened or confused. And for sure some twin-nontwin relationships are toxic because of the emotional intensity and interdependence that twins share, which throws new relationships off balance.
    Additionally, twins are not used to superficial relationships and small talk. And unknowingly twins may want closeness and attention immediately and with practically everyone they meet. The new friend may feel as if their twin friend wants too much closeness and attention. The twin may feel a sense of emptiness in new relationships and long for their twin who can understand them immediately depending on the closeness that they shared in childhood and adolescence.
    Another facet of making new relationship brings up the question: Who is number one? Your twin or your new partner? Jealousy on both sides about the new other person’s place in your twin’s life can be destructive and devastating. Who should you remain loyal to, your twin or your new partner?
How do you resolve fights whether out in the open or underground between your twin and the new outsider? New friend problems are truly tricky to solve. Being mindful of these types of potential problems is helpful. As well, talking to your twin about who comes first, who gets primary loyalty and how much interdependence is emotionally healthy will help everyone to think more clearly.
    Here is an example of disruption created by a new boyfriend addition to a twin relationship. Margaret and Melinda are graduating from college. Margaret has had one boyfriend throughout college, and they plan to be together after they graduate. Melinda has had a series of boyfriends and is not committed to one person. While it is unspoken, both women plan to separate from one another and take their own paths as young adults. Unfortunately, they are totally unprepared for what comes next, which is not unusual for twins who have not had a lot of healthy parental attention. Both twins make decisions that do not take the stress of separating from their sister into consideration. Margaret marries her college sweetheart and moves across the pond to London. She cannot afford to visit her sister. Melinda marries and feels lost. She has serious difficulties making friends and adjusting to her new life. Both sisters make their new husbands number one, in spite of the deep criticisms they have about their brother-in-laws. Whether the twins are aware of jealousy or not, new relationships are seen as competitors. Margaret and Melinda want it both ways. In other words these sisters want to have two number one’s in their life. Unfortunately, estrangement begins to define their adult years. Both long for their childhood attachment but they cannot reestablish this closeness later in life for more than a day or two.
    A second example goes like this. Rachel and Rebekah are paired ice skaters who have received many awards for their performances. To say the least both are very used to getting feedback from one another. They share an unusual closeness. Rachel falls in love and plans a wedding. Her twin Rebekah thinks that her sister’s fiance is a materialist loser, and Rebekah is passively aggressive at all marriage related events. Rachel gets married and Rebekah has to be like her sister and talks her boyfriend into a secret wedding.
    Rachel is unhappy in her marriage and Rebekah is pleased that she saw that he was not husband material. Unfortunately Rebekah is very very unhappy in her own marriage and has a nervous breakdown. Cleaning up the mess from these two marriages takes time for each twin. It is not easy. And on some level the double marriage and double divorce are hard to understand unless you are a twin. Each of these young women did not have enough self-confidence and life skills to be with someone besides their twin. Although they wanted to be married, they were unable to cope with another person’s lack of attentiveness.
    A very common example of how newcomers affect twin relationships follows. Jeanie falls in love and marries her college sweetheart. Her twin Jody dates but never marries because she cannot find the right person who she can always trust. Jeanie feels continually guilty that she is married and Jody is not married even though Jeanie knows that her sister’s marital status is not really her concern. Jeanie feels like her marriage has driven a wedge between her and Jody, while Jody feels pressured to marry but cannot make the commitment to another person. Unspoken longings and resent fill up their adult relationship.
    One last example, which I have seen many times. Amanda and Annie are raised by a single mother who is always struggling financially. These girls are high achievers and bound and determined not to make the same mistake their mother made. At college Amanda meets and marries a talented surgeon. Annie meets and marries a financial wizard. Both are extremely wealthy but also extremely unhappy that they live far away from one another. Annie leaves her husband and moves in with her sister and her sister’s husband and children. Annie and Amanda make their own lives but never make their husbands number one. Their loyalty remains to each other even though they are both strong and successful women.

Conclusions
     Marriage creates enormous stress for twins and their partners because it creates a deeper separation between them, which can be confusing and difficult to adjust to. How twins will accept their sister’s or brother’s new partner is hard to predict. What helps is communication about the problems that arise, preparation and acceptance for problems that cannot be solved. The hope is that over time, resentments will diminish and warmth between your two families will develop and survive.

    Parents and children are faced with a new and complicated challenge of developing homeschooling and online learning as this is now the only option to educating their children. Schools are closed at all grade levels. Parents are now substitute teachers. Children’s friendships are nurtured online through established chats that the schools set up for their students. Extra curriculum is also online and based on the student’s interests or family projects organized by parents.
    As an educational consultant with expertise in gifted kids and high-achieving children, I have been asked (on the phone or on video conferences) by parents about the most effective way to work with their children at home during the coronavirus health crisis. Obviously, children and their parents will have to learn to work together in a new and different way. Mom and dad have become teachers who need to make sure that their children are able to learn via the internet and through everyday experiences that teach reading, mathematics, computers, art and science. Social skills will be developed in the family setting or through interactions online.
    This new parent-child relationship understandably can be hard and frustrating. At first, keep in mind that the frustration you will experience is totally normal and predictable for both you and your child and all of the other family members. Establish some basic rules for your child/student and for yourself. Give your child input on what he or she might expect or encounter. Try to react calmly to small and large bumps on this new journey. Try to figure out what type of learner your child is and the learning tricks that work for your child. In my personal experience, getting discouraged will not help this new way of parent-child teaching and learning “emerge into reality” (come to fruition) in a positive way. Do not give up even if you are ready to pull your hair out or send your children to grandma’s house. Actually, keeping kids separate from older adults is necessary and certainly not a good idea given grandparents’ susceptibility to coming down with the virus.
    Frustration in home-schooling and online learning is ofter lessened when there are rules and structure to each and every day. Of course, fun is also an important part of learning. Activities that are fun and educational will make learning exciting and make rote learning more bearable. But do not give up on what your child/student does not want to do. Add some exercise to every day and try to keep a positive attitude. Students do better when they are encouraged and praised and their motivation is increased. Negativity has the opposite effect and motivates students to give up. When something goes wrong, develop natural consequences that will make sense to your child and that reflect the seriousness of the issue that is being hopefully corrected.

Look at the bright side of this drastic change in your home life. There is a silver lining. Your child will develop a more realistic and practical attachment to you. The following school problems will be eliminated.
    1. Your sons and daughters will no longer be exposed to bullying from other children in their classes.
    2. The stress and pressure of getting everybody out of the house and on the road with their lunch and homework will be removed.
    3. Dealing with other know-it-all parents will no longer be on your radar screen.
    4. Getting notes at home from teachers about what went wrong will be eliminated.

On a more psychological and philosophical note,
    1. All children need to have their thoughts and feelings acknowledged, which is hard to accomplish in a large classroom with a boring standardized curriculum.
    2. Children learn best by doing. Now is your opportunity to present interesting and challenging school work that inspires them to explore and discover and to learn.
    3. You can make time to understand more deeply what your child is interested in learning and present material that will accelerate their thinking.
    4. You can also observe his or her learning style and try to work in that style. In other words, what helps when your child is frustrated about learning new things? What can you do to help your son or daughter understand consequences for misbehavior, including not listening and not following directions? What are the rewards that motivate your particular child? Find motivators and use them.

In conclusion, there are unstated and misunderstood rewards for the school closure emergency. If parents and children can see the advantage of this health crisis, we as a community will be able to find new methods to educate our children. Parents can be extraordinary teachers if given the chance.

For more than thirty years I have worked with gifted children and their parents on problems with starting, completing, and handing in homework. Unfortunately, homework is a huge problem for many many families with gifted children. Parents cannot understand why their super-smart child is being so difficult, rude, and irresponsible. I have come up with eight reasons that are contributing factors to consider, to talk about, and to work on with your son or daughter.
 
1.  Homework is not important to smart kids.
Maybe the homework is too easy or too boring, and they are not interested in doing it. Kids don’t understand that homework is their personal responsibility. One way to help children learn how to do things that are boring is to give them  responsibilities at home that they are not interested in completing. They need practice at doing boring things.

2.  They can get away with it.
This is a parental problem with not setting limits and consequences. Smart children are always very compelled to outsmart their parents, even if their behavior is inappropriate or self-destructive. Parents need to establish rules that their child can manage to follow. Being too strict or too permissive gives your child permission to not listen to you.

3.  Gifted children have fun when they aggravate their parents.
No matter how wonderful of a you are, gifted kids love to argue. They are “know-it-alls” to the core. Challenging mom and dad and teachers can be a sport for them. Try and communicate with them that you are not interested in every argument they start. Teach them to respect your authority.

4.  They get used to negative attention and thrive on it.
Gifted kids are challenging and stressful to raise. Parents normally and naturally get frustrated and angry. Kids pick up on their parents’ anger and learn how to react in the most annoying ways. Parents need to get better at understanding and diffusing their frustrations.

5.  Some smart children are not confident in themselves and think they can’t do their homework.
This is a truly perplexing problem for parents and usually something that is resolved with the help of tutors or psychotherapists.

6.  Perfectionistic behavior can lead to homework not being completed.
This a very different problem than lack of confidence, but tutoring help outside of the family for the child can break this cycle.

7.  Gifted children can have learning problems that require special educational interventions.
The way to handle this issue is to have an educational therapist evaluate your child and create an intervention that will help your child develop his or her potential.    

8.  When smart kids are angry at you they may try to get back at you by not completing their homework.
If you believe that your child is doing poorly at school as a revenge tactic, it is time to seek out the help of a mental health professional who has experience working with children and their families.


Symptoms of homework problems that need to be addressed

1.  Complaining about homework being boring, which is often an excuse for not doing homework, especially in younger children.
2.  Losing homework on the way home from school.
3.  Forgetting to hand in homework after it is completed.
4.  Refusing to do homework through directly avoiding, ignoring, or procrastinating.
5.  Lying about homework or pretending it is done.

    
What parents can do to solve the homework problem

Ignoring or making light of the problem with homework will only make the problem worse. Parents who put their heads in the sand and pray for a miracle are not helping themselves or their child. Being afraid to confront your child’s homework problem won’t help either. Parents need a practical strategy to begin to solve the stress in their houses over homework. Being negative or overly dramatic about the problem is counterproductive. A simple plan that you can evaluate and build on is essential. The following steps will be helpful.

1.  Make a plan to speak with your child’s teacher and establish a reliable feedback loop for completion. Using online technology is very effective.
2.  If homework continues to be a problem, request a student success conference or an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP). Both procedures are offered at public and private schools.
3.  If your child remains noncompliant with homework, get an evaluation from an educational therapist or a clinical psychologist who works with children and teenagers.
4.  Continue to communicate with the support team that you are working with.
5.  Evaluate progress and the areas that need more attention.

There is no question in my mind that homework needs to be completed and turned in to the teacher. Unfortunately, this year I have heard more and more parents complaining about their children not doing their homework. And the next seriously hard thing for kids to do is to is to actually hand their homework in to the teacher. Why is homework such a huge problem? What happens to completed homework that is mysteriously lost at school or forgotten at home? We all know that there is no homework monster that steals your son or daughter’s completed work.

Both parents and teachers are very clear that homework is the child’s responsibility to be taken seriously and completed carefully. Obviously, children don’t want to bother to do their homework. Children want to do what they want to do. Homework is a bore no matter how much your children love you and want to make you happy. Even the most engaging homework from the most wonderful of schools may be an annoying and bothersome task. When a child is angry about school or his/her family life, homework can become a more serious problem to manage. A school that does not fit your child’s learning style can everyone’s life miserable.

The bottom line is that homework needs to be completed. And honestly, when I was growing up long ago there was no question that all assignments sent home were completed and returned. The culture of education has changed. There is more tolerance for wiggling out of homework. Some parents and schools no longer support the policy of letter grades. So children do get mixed messages about how important following the school and home rules actually is. Children are encouraged to have their own opinions, and they are allowed to express them openly.

Certainly an open-minded approach to parenting and education is valuable. But I believe as an intellectual community we have gone too far in trying to listen to our children’s complaints, insistent demands, and even temper tantrums about how they want their life to proceed without homework.

Clear standards and expectations need to be explained and respected by your children. A special place and time is very important to establish a routine to follow with as much predictability as is possible. Of course, life situations can take place that alter schedules, but still parents must be serious about helping their children get their homework completed.

Homework problems are a cry for help from your child. If you and your family is having problems with homework, there are two avenues to consider. First, are you as the parent helping your child to take school responsibilities seriously? Second, does your son or daughter have a learning or behavioral problem that needs to be addressed by a professional?

When the parent is the problem with homework getting back to school

There are certain parental attitudes and behaviors that definitely contribute to homework problems.

1.  Parents are too busy to take the time to set up and follow through on a homework routine.
2.  Parents are too easy going or too indifferent to their child’s learning responsibilities.
3.  Parents encourage their child to be defiant and opinionated.
4.  Parents are too preoccupied to follow through on checking homework.
5.  Parents are fighting about how to raise their children and they let the homework problems fall through the cracks.
6.  Delegation of authority to tutors, nannies, and grandparents who are not parents or the child’s primary advocate.

When the child is having learning problems and cannot manage their homework

Sometimes your son or daughter really is lost and needs help doing the school work that comes home. Here are some indicators of your child’s learning struggles:

1.  The teacher tells you your child needs help.
2.  Your child is afraid to go to school.
3.  Your child does not have any friends to play with at school.
4.  Your child is always angry and defiant.
5.  Sickness or family trauma has created emotional and behavioral problems that require attention from professionals.
6.  Your child has a learning disability or other educational problems that require specific interventions.
7.  The school you have selected is too pressured for your child, who is shutting down and not paying attention at school because he or she is so unhappy.

Decide where the homework problem starts. Is the problem related to your inattention? Is your child facing learning challenges that need tutorial help or professional intervention? Is the school setting inappropriate for how your child best learns?

You need to get behind homework challenges and show your child how to move forward in learning how to face challenges that are not necessarily interesting or fun.