Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Strategies to Move Beyond Family Frustrations

    Raising very bright children who are emotionally intense know-it-alls is a serious challenge for the most thoughtful and patient parents. Every week I spend many hours with different parents whose children argue, ignore, harass and frustrate them. I work with these caring parents to normalize and then problem-solve their struggles with their children. Here are some strategies that have been proven to be helpful by parents I work with.
    1.  Have family rules that reflect your values. Being sure of your rules will require you to be clear in your own mind about what is OK and what is not OK. Share these rules with your children. For example,
        a.  being rude to parents, siblings, teachers and friends is not acceptable.
        b.  hitting, screaming, biting and bullying are not tolerated.
        c.  refusing to go to school or not doing your homework is not an option.
    2.  Reduce stress in your house or make exceptions when the family experiences an extra-stressful event.
    3.  Find and pursue activities that your child loves to participate in, from sports, to music, art, acting, singing, cooking and technology. Try to understand and enjoy your child’s passions.
    4.  Understand how bright learners are different from more average learners. Use the many strategies available to help your advanced child to learn.
    5.  Frustration is common or normal for both child and parent. Try to use your frustration to come up with a plan to prevent frustration. This plan might include a schedule for work that needs to be done and regular reviews of work completed.
    6.  Don’t waste your time wishing your child was different.
    7.  Normalize mistakes by sharing your mistakes with your child. Show your son or daughter what you learned from your mistakes. When your child makes mistakes point out what they have learned.
    8.  When you and your son or daughter are at odds take a break before you escalate the argument. Remember, the winner is the calm one at the end of the argument.
    9.  Bright children learn more quickly if they have a perspective on what needs to be learned and why. Adding to tasks that need to be completed or surprise work will only frustrate your child and increase their resistance.
    10.  If a social problem or school problem persists get some help from professionals. Experts have a way of making your life easier and getting you and your family unstuck.
    11.  Read about the challenges your child is facing and apply them to your parent-child interactions.
    12.  When things go wrong do not blame yourself. Just look for a solution.
    In conclusion, the way your neighbor approaches parenting will be different from the way you approach your child’s social, emotional, and intellectual development. It will really help you to find parents with very similar problems to your own and exchange some ideas.