Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

The Power of Attachment
 
    Twin attachment is strong and profound, and a determinant of how twins separate from one another. In general our culture sees twins as having an idealized closeness that is a perfect intimacy. I have heard so many times: “You are so lucky to be a twin. I always wanted a twin who would be my best friend.” I get a horrible look on my face and say: “You must be kidding. My sister and I cannot get along.”
     The lack of understanding related to the uniqueness of twin attachment is multifaceted. It is obvious that scientific researchers have a distorted sensibility about the lives of twins because of their hyperfocus upon unravelling the heredity versus environment debate. Mental health professionals simply do not have a deep understanding of the power of the twin bond and how struggles of twin relationships are intensely conflicted and painful. In general, therapists of twins see twins as having “boundary” issues that can be “fixed” by being firm with others, especially their twin. This very cold and uninformed approach can offer only superficial solutions to deep problems related to intimacy. In addition to all this, the study of psychology has ignored any insight into the dynamics of human relationships that twin relationships could provide.
    The findings of academic or clinical research are fostered by the longstanding cultural mythology and fantasy of twinship being an ideal relationship. The profound attentiveness and mirror-like closeness of twins has become a fascination for lonely individuals who long for such affirmation. Ironically, twins often suffer from a more profound loneliness than nontwins because of their entwined attachment to one another and the depth of “missing” that occurs when they are not together. The basic and profound truth is that the experiences of a twin being a twin is very different than the fantasy and mythology that our culture promotes and revels in. To illustrate this point, consider this language from a twin who shares her deep beliefs about the difficulties and aftereffects of idealization. “So no, don’t believe the mythology of the closeness of twins, their unique relationship, the special bond, and all the other populist ideas that nontwins hold in fascination. It is not true, it is fiction, and an unkind fiction at that. It is unfair that nontwins impose this expectation upon us in popular culture. What is true about twins is that we are individuals, unique within ourselves. We do not deserve unrealistic expectations; we do not deserve unfair comparisons. What we deserve is to be acknowledged as who we are. Ourselves.” --Ann

    The deep and profound idealization of twinship sends ripples of shame into the lives of twins who cannot get along with one another and feel criticized by other people’s intrusive beliefs that they should naturally be able to be attuned to their twin. The reality of developing a healthy adult relationship with one’s twin is very complicated and difficult. The fantasy that all twins can and do get along is nonsensical and prejudicial to twins. By prejudicial I mean that the belief that twins who can get along are normal, and those twins who do not get along are not normal but damaged and defective casts a deep prejudice against the reality of twins’ experiences in their twin relationships. Deeply held cultural beliefs like these create life-long struggles for twins encountering others who expect them to know everything about and be in total connection with their twin. In reality, as twins move through the life span and develop their own lives with spouses, children, professions, etc., they naturally come to know fewer details of each other’s lives. Yet, the idealizations held by society and twins themselves create an expectation that the childhood depth of the twin connection will remain the same throughout the lifespan. When distance and/or estrangement develops, twins are left feeling shame for not living up to cultural expectations. Countless times I have been asked about how my twin sister is doing. When I answer honestly that we are not able to get along, onlookers are shocked. Outsiders will probe for why I can’t get along with her for as long as I allow them to ask more questions. This unacceptable intrusiveness does not happen with siblings who are not close and cannot get along. In my life experience I have never been quizzed on why my older brother and I cannot get along. It seems as if twin intruders are just interested in affirming their vacuous fascination about what it means to be a twin.
    My lifelong interest in the unseen and underexplored lives of twins within their twin relationships and in the nontwin world has lead me to affirm to myself and others that being a twin is very special and very difficult. While twin attachment is powerfully compassionate and everlasting, it is also a source of deep pain and contains the potential for loneliness and depression. Separating in a healthy way from your twin is a struggle. Often I see twinship as a roller coaster ride. On a roller coaster you can always get off. Twins oftentimes feel obligated to get on the roller coaster even when they know that they will be frightened and insecure. The thrill of the ride of twinship can in the long run confuses and exhausts twins.
    Here is my advice:
    1.  Being a twin is hard because learning that it is OK to be different from your twin can be a form of emotional torture. Not being different from your twin will limit your life experiences and trap you into a smaller world.
    2.  Ignore people who try to understand your twin relationship, if those people are not twins.
    3.  Embrace your ability to be empathic with others and share your ability to be close and caring.
    4.  Fighting between twins is necessary but understanding the fighting is a must.
    5.  Continual fighting will erode the twin relationship and destroy closeness between twins.