Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

The social development of gifted children is remarkably unique. Often confused with Asperger syndrome or attention deficit disorder by professionals who have limited experience with gifted children, these diagnostic labels are misleading and create a host of stresses and misunderstandings for parents and their children. Social hyperactivity (ADHD) or social withdrawal (autistic spectrum disorder) are common diagnoses that lead to misperceptions and inappropriate interventions.

Social development for prodigies and precocious children evolves with curious highs and lows in comparison to non-gifted children. Gifted children from a very early age can find their peers uninteresting and prefer to play with older children or adults who are as quick as they are. Having more mature interests than same age peers, playing with age mates/same age peers can be boring and frustrating. Gifted children have sophisticated interests and talents that need to be expressed and understood in a social situation—with other people looking on. Intellectual curiosity, a heightened sensitivity to others and the world around them, creative interests, and musical and athletic talents are intense and can be hard to understand or believe. Directing the growth of any type of giftedness is very difficult. People unfamiliar with gifted kids can view them as extremely odd. Without a doubt and in all actuality, gifted kids are remarkable people who need to be nurtured, not seen as as misfits/oddballs.

Social issues will also be apparent because gifted children can be very emotionally intense or deal with their feeling by keeping their feelings hidden behind “their imaginary screen.” Feelings will break through in tantrums that are frightening to everyone including your child. The child who is a nonstop talker or the child who stays in the corner reading a book are expressing emotional intensity in different ways. Separation anxiety and fearfulness about the future are common traits that make friendship-making unique. Teachers and parents become concerned that their child is not behaving normally.

Other problems can arise when gifted kids attend school, such as:
1.  Difficulty following the rules that they did not make up themselves (gifted kids like to make their own rules).
2.  Boredom with ideas that are not compelling to them.
3.  Withdrawal or refusal to go to school.
4.  Acting out anger and frustration in the classroom.
5.  Difficulty working in a group in the classroom or on the playground.
6.  Over-reactiveness to directions from parents and teachers.

What helps:
1.  Patience and understanding.
2.  Extra attention and encouragement to emotional issues.
3.  Staying calm and positive.

Finally, finding teachers, other parents and professionals who have experience and knowledge of gifted children can really help.

My personal and professional experiences lead me to conclude that continuous twin fighting can be destructive to the twin relationship and to each twin’s individual self-esteem. Twin fighting is intense and can include screaming at one another as well as physical fights. The escalation of fighting leads, in very serious situations, to estrangement. Twin fighting is intense for several reasons.

1.  Twins share childhood memories and experiences that can be confusing later in life.
2.  Twins share their parents’ love and attention, which causes anger, resentment and oftentimes deprivation.
3.  Twins are reliant on each other in a profound way for their own individual ability to function in the world. For example, one is the outgoing twin, the other is the introverted caretaker.
4.  Twin fighting is more volatile and pronounced than sibling fighting because of what is shared and what dependencies are established. Needing one another to feel whole is a serious problem.

Understanding and accepting that twins have more conflicted relationships than nontwins is important because acceptance of a problem is the first step to solving a problem. What helps to diffuse the anger, hatred, disappointment and resentment between twins is based on the following ideas.

1.  Twins are bonded to each other as soul-mates and, often, as parental figures to one another. Their double attachment makes differences of opinion overly important.
2.  Resolution of differences in life style and opinion is not as possible or as important as twins think or believe.
3.  Differences are normal and expectable and important. There is no one right way or one perfect path, although twins can fight about this issue continually.
4.  Respect and pride in your twin is extremely helpful to a positive relationship, as it contributes to a feeling of success and wholeness in each twin for different reasons.
5.  Fighting about the past erodes the good aspects of your relationship. Forgive if you can your resentments toward your twin. Live in the present and you will get along better.  
6.  If you need to argue keep the discussion and decision in the present time. Where will we go to dinner tonight? Who is in charge of making the holiday plans?

Conclusion
Working out differences with your twin can be extremely difficult because of the closeness you share. Find a way to support your own point of view without being mean and shameful to your twin.

"Researcher and therapist, Dr. Barbara Klein, author of three books on the psychology of twin development, and a mother of 11-year-old twins, Shelly Halley, will discuss the many complex aspects of twin-ship and having/living as multiples. Do they really have ESP? Do they always love each other? What if they hate each other? What can parents do to help them form healthy identities and attachments? "

http://www.forwomenoverforty.com/

Born intense and dramatic, gifted children and teenagers can overact to anticipated holiday cheer and then feel very disappointed and distraught. Confusion over “what is going on” and what to expect from parents, Santa Claus, extended family and friends is predictable when over-the-top promises are given out to make your kids happy and feel loved.

I remember gifted children who are afraid of all the relatives, strange food and commotion that goes on around the holidays. Set the tone for the holidays by focusing on one event at a time. Here are some thoughts to make your holidays warm and nurturing.

1.  Make a plan that is realistic in terms of your time and family budget, and stick to your plan.

2.  Have your children help you with the preparations.

3.  Make it a rule to not show off. For example, don’t have a fancy catered dinner and overdress your tree. There’s nothing wrong with pot roast.

4.  Limit gift giving.

5.  Talk about what you are grateful for with your family.

6.  Make authentic relationships the core of the holiday. Try to avoid gossip and negative insinuations.

7.  Spread out events instead of packing the house with too many guests.

Good-enough common sense will promote holiday happiness.

    Working with twins can be difficult and confusing if the therapist does not understand the profound nature of twin primary attachment. Actually, it can be shocking for a nontwin therapist to try and take seriously the commotion that is created when twins fight and then make up. Working with adult twins will always be easier if you understand the importance of the following issues:
    How twin development is different than the development of a single child. And the ensuing effect on personality development because twins share their parents.
    The pattern of twinship that is shared will determine to some extent the degree of separation that adult twins can handle from a psychological perspective.
    A twin’s sense of self is qualitatively different than a single birth individual. In young twins some aspects of personality are shared, which makes young twins develop their own language and nonverbal communication. With shared aspects of personality, twin identity has to develop into an individual identity in adult twins.
    Twins have expectations to be deeply understood when they invest emotionally in another person. The therapist will need to set limits and expectations so that idealization and devaluation are minimal.
    “Immediate and close understanding” are expectations twins have for therapy. The therapist has to keep this issue at the front of his or her mind.
    Therapeutic goals should be established with the therapist so the patient does not become distracted by what their therapist thinks will work out.
    The therapist will be a container for the patient’s loneliness but not a twin replacement who is required to function in day-to-day life.
        
Conclusions
    Adulthood struggles go on and on. Twins will work through their conflicts with each other if they try to develop a mature twin attachment. Clearly, this is not an easy thing to do. Sometimes getting along for twins is impossible if traumatic events and abuse have dominated childhood experiences. A commitment to respecting yourself and your twin is a basis for establishing a strong bond in adulthood with your twin.

    There are common developmental milestones that twins experience as adults no matter what type of attachment they share:
    Separation both emotional and physical is more difficult than adult twins have imagined. Overcoming these painful and confusion emotional experiences takes time, understanding of the problem, and experience tolerating being on your own. Twins and their family and friends have to be patient with this transition. Frustration and dogmatic direction is never helpful in the long run.
    All kinds of new relationships—romantic, career, and children—inspire, motivate, and confuse twins. Developing a new sensibility about nontwin relationships takes effort, time, and some hard knocks. Understanding the problem intellectually is not enough. Insight into what is appropriate to expect from others is a good start. Experiences with new people, no matter how trying, is critical.
    Understanding the different psychological boundaries you establish with friends is a long and bumpy journey. Learning that friends are not as able to understand you as your twin does is learned through experience. Being able to actually evaluate the good and bad about new relationships is a useful tool to have.
    Mind reading like you had with your twin is not found with other people. Bottom line: Nontwins won’t understand you like your twin does. And working hard to explain yourself is for the best in the long run. Developing close relationships to replace your twin intimacy will take time.
    Your twin may want your life or you may think that your twin wants your life. You will have to learn that you and your twin are separate people and not interchangeable with one another. As ridiculous as this sounds, twins often feel like they should be interchangeable. Sharing as adults is not possible and will only lead to unhappiness and anger.
    Adult twins will experience loneliness, which is inevitable and can lead to emotional confusion, depression, and being overwhelmed. Nontwins will not understand the depth of your loneliness, which will only gradually fade into the background as you make new friends and get engaged in life without your twin.
    Defining adult identity as an individual is a long and curving road. You will face competition and hardships along the way. Support from your twin will not always be available, which is most likely for the best. Find a therapist or a good friend who will understand your pain and happiness. This is when the search for a twin replacement begins.
    Defining adult twin identity is an important process, which means getting over wanting to feel like young twins who only have each other to care about. Mature twin identity is caring but also limited to the reality of the different lives that are shared from a distance. Being an adult twin means knowing you are a separate person.
    Searching for twin replacements is important and tricky. Twins can be overly hopeful that a new twin replacement has been identified. Often what seems like it will work out in terms of closeness and intimacy does not last. But it is better to try, and learn from your mistakes.
    Learning to respect your twin and not be critical of their decisions is extremely important. Twin estrangement is based on a lack of respect and understanding.

Summertime has allowed your children a lot of freedom. The transition to school structure is hard for the kids and parents. As you are getting ready to send your children back to school, remind yourself to share “the house rules about school” with your kids. Maybe you will see this exercise as redundant, having gone over your expectations countless times. Go over them again. Children are high achievers when it comes to forgetting the rules.

Of course, your rules should reflect your home life style whether rigid or open-ended or in-between. No matter what your special values are, you are the “Person in Charge” of establishing a structure for your children to follow. Parent-driven rules are not subject to revision like collaborative rules between parent and child, or child-centered rules.

My rules for my children were:

1.  Do your homework immediately after getting home (after a snack). Don’t lose your homework. Don’t forget to bring your homework to school the next day.
2.  Chores are done by dinner.
3.  No screens during the week.
4.  Bedtime is at __________.
5.  When extra help is needed from tutors, nannies, or grandparents, my children WILL listen and follow direction for their own well-being.

Work with your children to develop a reward and consequence chart. Make rewards small but important. Make consequences serious but not overwhelming. Engage your children in this process. Their suggestions will make this important aspect of their lives more personal and meaningful.

My rules that were made in collaboration with my children were:

1.  I suggested playdates with my children, then we talked it over.
2.  Sports and after-school activities require input from the entire family.
3.  Teacher-parent conferences should be discussed.
4.  Food and clothes choices were discussed.


Decisions for kids alone (child-centered rules):

1.  Book and toy selection.
2.  Art projects.
3.  Free play.
4.  Time with extended family and family friends.

Decision-making that is effective (in that it is followed through with respect) is priceless. Anger in the family and with the school will definitely be reduced.

Estrangement is built on disappointments and misunderstandings. Estrangement is complicated, and as deep-seated as the primary attachment that twins share at birth and throughout their childhoods. It is not that twins really hate their twin per se. More likely, twins who cannot be together are afraid of each other and the anger and disappointment that they share. My sister and I are estranged because I am afraid of her anger and disappointment with me. Other twins are just plain angry at one another and are happy to not be together at all. Anger is based of disappointment, not necessarily hatred. Estrangement always contains lost love and lost attachment.
    Twin loss is vey similar to estrangement but more final. There is no hope when your twin dies that you will be able to feel their closeness and warmth. Estranged twins hope that perhaps someday they will be able to be together, even if it seems so unlikely. Both estrangement and loss create a deep loneliness in twins that is hard to overcome.

It is normal and expectable to have twins look and act differently. Actually, differences will evolve naturally. The latest genetic research shows how differently twins can develop even when they are identical. And parents relate differently to each child, which creates emotional differences. Twins develop their own relationship, which also makes them unique and interested in different experiences. Why do we assume that twins are similar, or should be similar? Or do we?
    One twin smiles a lot and is more intent on getting his way. His brother is more serious and keeps to himself more. Your children are definitely NOT experiencing the world in the same way, even though they may spend a lot of time together. Being different is normal—healthy—and good for the ability for twins to get along later in life. When parents encourage differences to naturally evolve, competition between twins is less intense. Sharing comes more easily.

Giving up the expectation that you can find the perfect school, friends, tutor, teachers, and yes, parenting style that will help your child thrive is critical. You will be more realistic when good enough is enough and new solutions to ongoing problems will be easier to deal with.

It is hard to stop your perfectionism. Maybe if you know that you are modeling and intensifying perfectionism in your child child, you will be able to put the brakes on your idealism.