Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Cementing the separation experiences and unique identities that have been establishing in baby steps and giant leaps in childhood, the teenage years, and early adulthood is the stressful difficult developmental chore of adulthood. In order to truly separate from one another, adult twins consciously and unconsciously seek out twin replacements. The emotionally driven need for identity is stronger than any intellectual understanding of separation at this time of life. The intensity of motivation for different life experiences and significant others is very different from what siblings experience when they go their own ways. The primary attachment that twins share is being rebuilt and restored to a more up to date bond. The “remodeling” of the twin bond is necessary but a long range problem.

    The quality of the attachment that is shared shapes how much independence is actually achieved. Interdependent identity twins well be less intent on replacing their twin, although they will try to make new personal experiences for themselves. Talking about new friendships with your enmeshed twin is difficult. Often, over-identified twins avoid these conversations for fear of displeasing their sister or brother. Over the years, the anger and resentment they share is expressed and processed. Split identity twins will seek out twin replacements feverishly without being aware that they are driven to find a new compliment to themselves. Discussion about the new partner that is coming into or between the twin relationship will be analyzed with a great deal of certitude by both twins. Usually, split identity twins come to accept but not embrace their twin’s partner. Individual identity twins seek out new relationships that are intimate and intense naturally. While competition is a cornerstone of their relationship, they check in with each other about the quality of the relationship they are beginning to seek out and to make a commitment to.

    Adult twins are eager to find new partners to build their lives with. Unfortunately, they do not have as much emotional experience with nontwins—singletons—as they need to separate without traumatic consequences. Lack of lived experiences leaves twins at a disadvantage because they have too many expectations for deep understandings that are verbal and nonverbal. Still to this day I often imagine that the other person can read my mind or finish my sentence. To further complicate new relationships there is a juxtaposition of high hopes and a need to take care of the new significant other. In general, when twins leave the gate that physically separates them from their twin they are at a serious disadvantage. Desperation can grow out of their eagerness for love and companionship. Even adult twins who have had some experiences with other partners are blindsided by the lack of input from their twin and the hard to take reality that nontwins are very different kinds of partners. New partners might love them but not understand them as quickly or deeply as their twin. Sad but too true, in new relationships twins can be lost and wild at the same time. Confusion on the part of the new love object is bound to appear and be extremely disruptive to the future of a relationship. In other words, new boyfriends or girlfriends can feel totally overwhelmed by the expectations of a new twin partner.

    In adulthood when new relationships don’t work out for whatever reason, twins turn to each other for advice, comfort, and solace. Finding the next nontwin relationship can be hard because of the serious disappointment in the previous nontwin relationship. Interdependent identity twins often just give up looking for new partners and rely on one another with a great deal of devotion. Whether these twins live next door to one another or a city away, the physical presence of the other is critical. Commonly, when children and husbands do make it into the circle of trust that twins share, they have to take the backseat to the twinship. Maintaining a primary closeness between interdependent identity twins is not unusual in adulthood.

    Split identity twins are better seekers of new relationships because of the underlying or unspoken shame, anger, and resentment that they have for one another. Still, opposite twins turn to each other when adult nontwin relationships fail to develop into strong commitments. Using their twin as a restorative agent to overcome disappointment, they seek out other friendships that turn into partnerships. Usually, conflicted twins find deep relationships after several unsuccessful relationships. In addition and as important, opposite identity twins find twin replacements in their children and other close friends. Often they become driven about the quality of their relationships and their careers. Perfectionistic because of deep narcissistic injuries they received, there is a great deal of difficulty accepting what life brings to them. Accepting their accomplishments is confusing as they are programmed to only be half of a whole. Fears of expansiveness are interlaced with a quest to be the “best” they can be.

    Individual identity twins are often very disappointed by new partners or marriages. They naturally turn to each other for support, insight and deep understanding. Because they love each other deeply they have a more understandable amount of difficulty depending on their twin as they search for a new partner. In other words, they will listen to their twin’s opinion and not just take it or react against their advice. Twin replacements are usually found with partners, children, and work responsibility. An over-investment with work or finding the perfect partner can also become a life obsession. Raging anger and estrangement are not common with twins who have developed enough individuality.

    For all twins, twin replacement takes on different struggles and conflicts. The side effect of a search for intimacy is deep loneliness. Fitting into a new world of closeness with others and sharing your twin is totally tricky. Often one twin will feel left out or lag behind. Compassion for your twin’s struggles is important. Learning how to “not go down with the ship” that your twin may be drowning in is a horrendous and complicated journey that requires insight into how you function in relationship to your twin. Being yourself when you think you should be taking care of your twin is hard to do and can only be accomplished with baby steps.

    Real differences in lifestyle will spark competition. One twin is richer, more successful at work, or healthier in comparison to their brother or sister. Resolutions of differences are hard to predict but they are always based on understanding how twins are different from one another. Changing the childhood twin identity into an adult twin identity that is mature and pragmatic takes a lot of devotion and work. In most instances one of the twins is more outgoing and stable than the less stable and more negative twin. The stronger twin usually initiates the maturing of the relationship and the use of psychotherapy.

Estrangement is a subjective emotional experience that makes twins afraid to be together. Estrangement also causes deep shame because twins are supposed to get along. These dark feelings seem to be deep seated and often have a traumatic element to them.  Estrangement—serious avoidance of each other—between twins can be permanent depending on what triggered the event to occur. For example, if one twin sleeps with the brother’s or sister’s partner this will lead to a longstanding problem reuniting. If the anger between twins is not acted out but just fought about, twins will take long breaks and come back together over serious life-threatening situations.

I have worked with twins who are deeply estranged from one another after many years of heartfelt fighting, which turns in some cases to enormous fear or hatred of their sister or brother. Tension cannot be resolved. There is no compromise that is acceptable to both. There is no available negotiator or therapist that can deal with this deep and entrenched bond that has been fractured. In my experience psychotherapy cannot effectively reunite twins. Often twins seek out individual therapy as adults to feel better about themselves as individuals. Insight into your estrangement from your twin is a very healing possibility if the therapist understands the idiosyncrasies of twin development.

Getting over your feelings related to missing your twin is a long uphill journey. Sadness, depression, anxiety and anger are related to missing your attachment to your twin. Everyone close to you will most likely suffer when you feel like you need your twin, or if you and your twin are at odds or at war, depending on the issue in question. Absolutely, loneliness is scary for twins whether or not they want to admit that they are afraid. Here are some examples of how twins deal with loneliness.

“Next door neighbor twins” never successfully separate to avoid being lonely. These are the twins that live together or next door to each other. They have too much closeness and cannot bear life without one another. All of their closeness creates a deficit in language skills that are needed to relate to the non-twin world. Always wanting closeness, “next door neighbor twins” can be disappointed with other people who really can’t understand them like their twin does. Being afraid of their inadequacies with others is very common.

“Fighting twins” fight all of the time but they still need each other for comfort and feedback about life. Angry at one another, these twins can go their own ways and survive without their brother or sister. Fighting twins try to find others to recreate their twinship. They can miss the twin creation that they have erected to replace their twin. Eventually, fighting twins are forced to try to find ways to cope with their loneliness.

“Fearful twins” are afraid of of hurting each other because they have played opposite roles as children and taken care of one another. Eventually these types of fear-based twin relationships have to be understood so that adult relationships can be developed. Self-understanding is only accomplished because of deep feelings of loss and loneliness.

“Silent twins” don’t actually talk to each other but they need to know that the other is there for them at a distance. They are confused about their relationship and have difficulty forming intimate relationships with others.

“Self-hating twins” never want to see one another because they have been pitted against each other so badly that any contact creates pain. These types of twins still suffer from loneliness and have difficulty asserting themselves with other people.

Twin loneliness is painful. You can make your sad and empty feeling more tolerable by finding people who make you feel alive.

It has been my experience during the last 20 years of counseling parents of gifted children that mother is usually more tuned into what her children need than dad is.
    When I wrote “Raising Gifted Kids” I received a lot of phone calls from mothers that I write a Cliffnotes version for the dads. I received the same requests from moms when I wrote “The Challenges of Gifted Children.”
    Why do moms underline 90% of my parenting books, while dads underline only 10%? Maybe dad is not as engaged as mom is, or maybe dad thinks it will all work out in the end so why worry.
    My advice, based on my experiences professional and personal, is:
    1.  Get dad on board. Help him understand your point of view about your “quirky” child.
    2.  Parent as a team. Give dad responsibility.
    3.  Accept that you are the primary decision maker and lead your family with thoughtfulness and compassion.
    4.  Stop wishing that you had the perfect father figure for your child.

I have never meet a twin who didn’t ask themselves or anyone who would listen: “When will I get over missing my twin?”
    Or, “When will I stop looking for a very close twin relationship like I had with my twin as a child?”
    My bottom line answer is most likely never! Although, in time you can understand your longings, which will definitely help you expand your world. The attachment that twins share is primary and makes an everlasting and indelible mark on personality development and the need for the comfort of closeness, empathy and understanding. Missing your twin is a form of separation anxiety that goes hand in hand with twinship.
     Because twin pairs are parented differently, not all twins are alike. With great certainty I can say not all twins love each other and revere their relationship. Some twins are just stuck in the mire of their closeness, their anger and their longing for harmony. Even when twins remain conflicted and are unable to resolve their anger and disappointment with one another, they still miss the closeness the other provided. Fortunate twins who have a strong sense of themselves as individuals and are able to resolve their differences are able to support one another through difficult life situations. Twins who see themselves as individuals are resilient enough to fight and miss each other. Resilient twins can  reconnect for help with their happiness or their despair. Twin attention when needed is certainly one of the best parts of being a twin—the gold ring on the merry go round.
    The twin attachment—one of closeness and separation—teaches us about the power of human connection. Deeply felt intimacy based on the ability to identify with the other person because of shared or similar life experiences is a life sustaining force for twins and for other close relationships. Losing this profound connection can be disorganizing psychologically for twins and lead to self-destructive behavior and negative thinking and negative narratives. Unfortunately, twin closeness can be an enigma in our individually driven objectified technological world. Why is separation so hard for twins?  This cultural and personal inability to understand the hardships of twinship is coupled with the idealization of twinship as the perfect intimacy. The important nuances and comfort of emotional closeness and attachment can remain a mystery to individuals who come from cold and distant families, and are desperately seeking attention and love. The bridge between twin intimacy and Internet fantasies of intimacy is longer than The Great Wall of China.
    Non-twins have great difficulty understanding missing your twin and the loneliness that goes along with this state of mind. And twins don’t really understand how non-twins can conquer being alone. I can empathize with the suffering that twins feel when they experience a sense that something is missing in their relationships. Separation anxiety will diminish with age and experiences but never be taken out of the lives of twins.

The deep interconnection of psychological identity between twins is real. Unlike single-born infants and toddlers, shared identity is inevitable and normal. Some aspect of a twin’s sense of self is actually shared. A twin has an identity as a twin and an identity as an individual. Twins are closer than brothers and sisters because they share an identity based on early life experiences and the reaction of others. Ego boundary confusion is understandable and predictable, although I really think the ego boundary lingo is not accurate for twins. For example, if a pair of twins makes decisions together as young children, is this abnormal? Even when they are just playing together and sharing?
    When does sharing become pathological?
    When is fighting too much fighting?
    “How do I do something new without my twin?” is a difficult issue that is hard to work through as well. Being alone becomes a critical problem as twins grow into adulthood.
    Unfortunately, it is an easy and often-made mistake for teachers and therapists to glibly say, “This is just an ego boundary problem. If you could just set up realistic rules and follow through on them you would not have problems with your twin.”
    I have been told this myself far too many times. From my personal and professional experiences, I know it is easier to corral wild horses than to set up ego boundaries for twins. Certainly, parents, twins themselves, and therapists should attempt to acknowledge and hold on to individual differences with the highest regard for empathy, truth, and integrity. Individuality is a necessary part of healthy twins’ development. Believing that you can actually dictate individuality in twins is short-sighted, futile, and grandiose. And clearly, some identity that is shared between twins is intractable and life-sustaining.

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Challenge #2

The next challenge to understand for sure is what type of gifted child you are raising. There is no one- size-fits-all definition. There is no one test that will give you the answer. There is no one set of behavior characteristics that define giftedness. Parents call me all of the time wanting to know why their supposedly gifted child is not reading. Or moms and dads want to know why their bright child is so shy or won’t listen at home and at school. My response is always the same. Bright and gifted children come in all varieties. There is no one stereotype of giftedness that can be used to categorize and identify the unique strength and struggles of these precocious kids.

Absolutely, there is a wide range of children who can be considered gifted. The scientific bug collector, the bookworm, the day-dreamer and planner, the artist, composer, athlete, math wizard, and the piano and dance prodigy are just a few examples of ways to visualize giftedness. There is also a great deal of diversity in the personality profiles of gifted kids. Some are dramatic; others are extroverts who want to be leaders; and some are introverted, shy and prefer being alone. Some spirited children are defiant and seek out attention without shame.

Here are some strategies that may help you get your spirited child to listen to you.
1.  Be prepared for their opposition to the rules you want them to follow.
2.  Listen carefully to their strong feelings and reactions. Validate their unhappiness, but do not give in to their demands. Calm and firmly stick to your child-centered rules for their well-being.
3.  Help your son or daughter make progress by telling them about the progress they are making. Reward good behavior. Give consequences for behavior that you have told them is unacceptable.

I will be signing copies of my book, "The Challenges of Gifted Children" and talking briefly about it. I will be very happy to see you!

October 11 at 12:00 PM

Barnes and Noble

4735 Commons Way

Calabasas, CA 91302

Challenge #1

The first challenge when you are raising a gifted child is to accept that your son or daughter is  REALLY gifted. This awareness, acknowledgment and acceptance can make all the difference when it comes to your sense of yourself as an effective parent who can make good enough decisions about parenting. In my new book, CHALLENGES OF GIFTED CHILDREN, I go into great detail about how you can truly know for sure that your child is gifted. And by the way, parents who call me for advice always ask me how I know their child is gifted. Commonly, parents question my assessment or the assessment of the school counselor or another psychologist. Parents question whether or not their child is gifted because their son or daughter is so hard to handle. Often, frustrated moms and dads think that their child’s problem may be different than giftedness. They are concerned that their child is autistic or ADHD. Personally, gifted children are challenging enough.

All parents, not just the parents with gifted kids, are often concerned or confused about what is wrong with their son or daughter. Why is he so temperamental and hard to calm down? Why won’t she listen? Obviously, children come in many many different varieties. Clearly, there is no one-size-fits-all parenting style that works for every family. All children need special types of attention to help them grow up strong, resilient, flexible and compassionate. Too much attention or too little attention will damage a child’s potential. Gifted children actually have “special needs” when it comes to understanding how much love, attention and intellectual and social stimulation is enough. “Never enough” or “not enough” won’t work. “Good enough” parenting is what works with high strung precocious kids.

In many ways gifted children are in the “special needs” category. The “special needs” of a gifted child are very different from that of a child on the autistic spectrum or ADHD or even with learning disabilities. Gifted children need to learn the rules about who makes a decision. Who IS the BOSS? In some ways smart kids are born “know-it-alls.”  Insatiable and perfectionistic by nature, they are intensely quick children who know what they want. Clearly, highly spirited kids are smart enough and persistent enough to get what they want, and what they think they need. I know this fact to be true because I raised two gifted children and have consulted with thousands of parents about how to deal with the demanding-ness and insistence of their remarkably savant child.

Parental intensity coupled with the child’s intensity makes taming their smartness, perfectionism and persistence a difficult and complicated responsibility. In actuality, parents are mostly concerned about the best way to settle down an emotional battle of the wills over homework, computer time, or bedtime.  While some “schoolhouse” gifted children are content to read and study what interests them, most gifted children start negotiating with their parents about how little they can or will do. An argument can easily begin over compliance to the rules of the house.

If your child never can stop questioning you, most likely he or she is gifted.