Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Being a twin is challenging for the many reasons that I have written about in previous articles and books. And if you are reading this article you probably have your own list of frustrations with your sister or brother. Surprisingly, in spite of understandable frustration and competition, many twins manage to get along with each other. Some twins get along out of necessity, as they feel they need each other to survive—they are overly dependent. Working together on a career goal or a project also promotes positive feelings between twins. Or oftentimes twins respect each other for their life choices and accomplishments. What can we learn from twins who share their lives openly and without overwhelming anger and resentment?

Basic Necessities of Getting Along
Valuing individuality and differences between each other
    First and foremost, twins who can get along are concerned with their individuality and value being different from their twin. While twins who get along may enjoy and respect their twin's perspective, making their own decisions is totally within their emotional and cognitive capacity. In other words, what their co-twin has to say is valuable but not the answer to the decision that needs to be made. For example, my sister may be interested in my point of view on what to wear to a meeting where she is a presenter. But she does not need my advice to make a decision and usually does make up her own mind. And obviously my sister can write her own speech. In contrast, my anxiety about giving a presentation is very high, so my advice on such would not be valuable. We have different strengths and challenges.
    Twins who can communicate with each other have for the most part processed, understood, and put behind the jealousy of childhood and adolescence. “We get along” twins don't need to agree on what went wrong and what went right in their family life. Respect for one another's thoughts and feelings is what is important. As adults they have worked on their communication pathways. Using the self-reflection of psychotherapy, education on being a twin, and establishing time together that is structured and productive, they find ways to share and dialog. Fighting is not a weapon that is used to win a dispute. Rather, when problems arise twins who have a healthy attachment work together to find a resolution.

Ability to see life choices differently
    A healthy twin attachment is not based on the obsession to always be close and in agreement. Distance and independence are seen as important parts of the twin relationship. As well, separate friends and separate interests are extremely valuable. Family events that do not include favoritism contribute to a strong twin bond in adulthood.
 
Personal boundaries between the pair are based on respect
    While this idea may seem simple to abide by, in my experiences with twins it is very difficult to achieve. Because of the intensity of feelings between twins, respecting one another can truly take time and patience. For example, it took my twin many years to accept that every time she called me I could not and would not pick up the phone. In other ways I was more open. For example, we could share clothes, thoughts, feelings and definitely opinions, but I could not make myself available when she wanted to share a thought with me.

Enjoyment of your twin sister or brother’s success
    Unfortunately, in childhood twins are subject to endless “compare and contrast” questions from onlookers and personal friends and relatives. So, giving up the idea that you should be the same and do everything the same is a hard struggle. The first ray of light in this identity issue is to respect your twin's accomplishments. Doing this seemingly simple action will build a strong adult attachment.

Communication Style Is Critical
    Intensity of thoughts and feelings make communication between twins very difficult. When jealousy and disagreement about family issues and opinions cannot be resolved then twins will have a great deal of difficulty developing healthy communication styles. In addition, acceptance of your twin's choices in interests and relationships is extremely crucial. If acceptance of differences are impossible then productive communication cannot be achieved. For example, I have talked with many twins whose sister or brother will not accept the new husband or wife. These twins choose to let everyone know and often do not attend the wedding. Maybe not attending your twin's wedding is hard to believe but it is true. It happens.

Conclusions
    You can get along with your twin if you understand the above ideas and try to keep them alive in your twin relationship. There are some communication strategies that seem to promote attachment that I have learned the hard way. I wish I knew then what I know now.
    1. Fighting with your twin whether physical or emotional is very hurtful and should be avoided as much as possible as it is hard to forget very mean comments.
    2. Spending too much time together breeds competition with your twin. Distance can be a very helpful way to promote respect.
    3. Not developing your own separate friendships creates boundary confusion. Let your twin have their own friends.
    4. Try to avoid comparisons as much as possible. Say to others who focus on your differences with your twin or imply that you should be more similar or get along better, “We are different people and don't want to be compared.”