Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

Twin relationships can be deeply conflicted and also seriously misunderstood by twins, their relatives, close friends and co-workers. Yes, twins often do not understand why they get so angry with each other. Twins do know that anger and fighting is real and intensely upsetting. Parents and close others often suffer confusion and frustration with twin fighting.

Most people believe that twins have an ideal relationship and long for the closeness that twins share with each other. The reality of the twin relationship is more torturous and it is intensely complicated. Even with the best parenting and home conditions, competition between twins creates stress and insecurity; who is the smartest, better looking, more popular, are inevitable problems that create dissension between twins.

Twins who are not given enough love and are not raised to be individuals most definitely have problems with each other later in life. Too much reliance on one another creates an enmeshment that is almost impossible to disentangle. When twins are treated as opposites, estrangement is the natural outcome.
 
Look into your own feelings, not your twin’s feelings nor any other advisors in your life, about what needs to be worked on. For example, if your twin thinks you are a loser, ask yourself, “Do I agree?” Don’t fight about it. It doesn’t matter who is right – accept your own opinion as legitimate.

I know that’s easier said than done. Still, give it a try. When you stand up for yourself you will gain the respect of your twin and others involved with your twin dramas.

In “Twin Dilemmas” I talk about the maturation of the twin relationship or the development of estrangement. As you read “Twin Dilemmas,” you will gain insight into your twin issues. Insight into yourself will put your twin issues into a perspective that makes them more manageable.