News & Tips for Parents
Barbara Klein, Ph.D., Ed.D.
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Twin Support Group
What Is the Mission of My Support Group?
I am an identical twin who has researched and thought about twin development. I have written three books and dozens of articles on the psycho-educational development of twins for Psychology Today. Consulting with twins about their relationship problems has taught me a lot about the different issues that twins face as they develop an individual identity that is based on but not the same as their twin identity. Over ten years ago, at the request of twins I work with, I started a twin educational group. This peer support group was based on the unspoken reality of being a twin. Conversations between group members have been extremely helpful to all the twins who choose to participate. While reading is always suggested it is not a requirement of the group.
Twins who are looking for knowledge, understanding and support for the dilemmas that twins encounter find ways to overcome their twin issues or problems with group support. Of course, the comparisons and competition that twins naturally experience are not easy problems to overcome, but a great deal of solace is found knowing other twins have similar problems. Twins understand each other and can be helpful and supportive in ways that non-twins cannot be.
What Is the Educational Focus of My Peer Support Group?
I have learned unfortunately and interestingly that many adult twins do not understand the cognitive and psychological differences between twins and single-born children. Some twins, after reading what I have written or spoken about on twin identity, have reached out to me for advice and affirmation that their problems were normal in the world of twins. The following ideas are the issues that we talk about in group that are meaningful to twins.
1. Being a twin is a complicated and misunderstood experience that is often times wrongly evaluated by caring people. Parents, doctors, psychologists, teachers and caregivers can have difficulty understanding the depth of twin relationships, which can produce angry conflicts or extreme separation anxiety.
2. Twin identity is very different from the identity of single-born children. Sharing their parents, genetics, language development, and friendships creates these differences that make twins’ identity development more difficult to disentangle.
3. Too much closeness based on the primary attachment can create a profound interdependence that makes separation from one another very difficult in childhood and later in life.
4. Family conflicts easily develop because of favoritism by parents and jealousy between twins. These conflicts spread throughout the entire family and are difficult to resolve.
5. Twins long to replace their twin closeness with other people who cannot understand their need for closeness and find their need for togetherness just too much.
6. Social development for twins is difficult because they are used to immediate understanding. Twins think that new friends will understand them as their twin does, which never happens. This is a painful lesson for twins, especially young twins, although wanting immediate understanding from new friends lives on and on.
7. Twins can help each other if they develop an understanding of the difficulties they face getting along.
How Did My Group Proceed?
Members were self-selected as they reached out to me for help with fighting, estrangement, family conflicts, and loneliness. Each group meeting started with one twin explaining her or his issue with their twin sister or brother. All of the group members I have worked with over the years were relieved to get the problem off their chest and twin group members would respond with their reactions and experiences to the problem presented.
For example, Susie shared that her sister did not attend her wedding. Then each group member shared their experiences and opinions about when their twin purposely avoided an important event. Minor and major family dinners and casual parties were discussed in addition to the stress of being with your co-twin if they were in serious conflict with you.
Conclusions / Summary
My peer group educates twins about what they need from other non-twins and how to prevent inappropriate questions of comparison, such as, “Who is the smarter twin?”
We discuss twins’ over-concern for other people and the roller-coaster relationships that twins often experience.
One issue, extended family disharmony, is discussed, which helps twins understand that not all twins get along but not all families with twins get along either.
Strategies to Accept / Help Your Twinship:
1. Understand why it is hard to be a twin.
2. Ask onlookers to mind their own business.
3. Try to avoid fighting with your twin.
4. Accept that you and your twin are separate people.
Please call 310-592-5507 or email drbarbaraklein@gmail.com if you are interested in a twin support group.