News & Tips for Parents
Barbara Klein, Ph.D., Ed.D.
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My Personal Experience With Twin Comparisons, by Anonymous Twin
While not often discussed, comparing the personalities of twins could lead to various downfalls in a twin’s social life and development. From my experience being labeled as the quieter, introverted, and less talkative twin, I often felt increasingly more self-conscious regarding social performance, especially in a society where introverts are heavily misunderstood.
My personal experience with twin comparisons became more intense when my twin sister and I transferred to a very small school, where we spent most of our adolescence. We were not only new students at a small and cliquish school, but we were also the only twins in our age group at that school, which invited more curiosities and judgements than what we were accustomed to.
As the misunderstood introvert overshadowed by my sister’s talkativeness, I felt overburdened by the comparisons made by students and teachers alike. Feeling misunderstood and devalued as the quieter and less outgoing twin, my social anxiety only worsened through the years, as I greatly internalized my social performance. My feelings of self-consciousness, inadequacy, and invisibility followed me everywhere, regardless of whether my twin sister was by my side or not. I felt scrutinized when I was speaking in class when she wasn’t present, while I adapted to a role that I thought was expected of me, to be quieter and less bold. I felt overly judged and watched when I did actually speak, because I equated the label of shyness with weakness.
As my sister took command of conversations, I took the passive role of a quiet listener. Although this dynamic felt secure at times, I still spent countless years struggling to feel more confident and comfortable in certain social situations. I felt vulnerable and inadequate when my sister was not around, but there were times where I felt the same way when she was present. While she had the natural tendency to dominate conversations, she was also protective of me and quick to jump in to interrupt me if she worried that I was not saying something right. My sister was also affected by twin comparisons in that she would worry that my words or actions would somehow fall upon her and influence others’ perceptions of her.
Loneliness. A Young Adult Twin Point of View
Going into adulthood, a twin may feel a sense of incompleteness when their twin sibling is not present as often. As life progresses, twins grow up and go separate ways. A twin may be left with a painful loneliness while expecting to find a new shared bond with someone in the world.
Loneliness as a twin can also resemble codependency. A twin may find that they’re having trouble standing alone, always desiring another person to complete their whole identity, and always wanting to rely on another person for happiness and fulfillment. These feelings only come naturally to the twin, accustomed to their twin sibling always being their closest companion in life. As the twin grows up, it may be natural for them to make the idea of a soulmate their main priority. In these cases, their personal identity may be difficult and feel fragile without there being a soulmate heavily involved in almost every aspect of their life.
Sadly, what the twin wants the most, the ideal soulmate and twin replacement, may not come easily. At this stage, it’s helpful for the lonely, codependent, and idealistic twin to acknowledge how other people tend to think differently than twins. The twin may eventually come to terms with the reality that not every relationship in the course of their life will mirror the close and empathetic bond twin siblings have. There are going to be individuals who are painfully shallow, less expressive, and less vulnerable for different reasons such as personality, upbringing, level of emotional intelligence, etc. Many people will think less romantically and less idealistically. This reality may come off as a disappointment for a lonely twin seeking a soulmate in the world. Feeling lonely and misunderstood, the twin may easily jump to the conclusion that most people are mediocre, superficial, and cruel.
In the mind of a lonely twin, it could be difficult to believe that there is someone special out there who will go above and beyond, someone special who will remind the twin that they’re not doomed to be misunderstood or ostracized by an uncaring world. Twins often feel misunderstood when they are made to feel like they constantly want too much out of other people. Examples include expecting people to always be loyal and consistent and expecting people to always want to comfort you.
After sharing a close bond with someone from the time in the womb, twins can have a strong, innate drive to want to turn to someone for emotional comfort and security. However, without addressing feelings of codependency, twins struggling with loneliness may find it hard to rely on sources of comfort and validation outside of another person, as they put so much energy into just one soulmate.
While maintaining a healthy, balanced view of love and relationships and preserving individual identity, a twin can thrive in the world while still always acknowledging their inner gifts that come with being born into the special lifelong bond of twinship. With time and reflection, twins can accept that in the non-twin world, people have different ways of showing love and expression, as well as different expectations. Twins who experience longing, loneliness, and the feelings of being misunderstood by the outer world, can always teach the world the important values of close connection, lifelong loyalty, and mutual understanding throughout the ups and downs of life.
--Anonymous