Procrastination—A Cry for Help
I hear stories all of the time from parents about how hard it is to get their young children’s teeth brushed and to get them into bed. The reading ritual can get out of control, and your “darling” child can manipulate you to stay in their room just a little bit longer. This behavior is the forerunner to avoidant behavior and procrastination. Actually, procrastination is a red flag that the gifted child is having emotional issues with perfectionism, school work or whatever else he or she is avoiding, such as fitting in socially. The longer and more embedded the problem with avoidance becomes, the more serious an issue it can be for the advancement of education and emotional well-being. As well, social and school frustration can lead to despair and clinical depression.
Procrastination is a way of protecting the child from feeling incomplete or damaged—imperfect. While this defensive behavior is not necessarily a conscious decision, the behavior is carried through with great vigor and determination. This incredibly frustrating behavior is based on anxiety and fear, and will look different in different situations. Here are some pattens of procrastination that I have heard of while consulting with parents of gifted children. Some children manifest one or two forms of procrastination. Others, at one time or another, manifest all forms of procrastination.
The Fearful Child
While all gifted children are highly sensitive to separation from their families, the fearful child has greater difficulty getting involved with other children and new environments. Both boys and girls can have deep fears that keep them from being developmentally independent. Their extreme attachment to their parents and siblings keeps the child from developing appropriate social skills. It is hard to know when their fearfulness becomes avoidance and procrastination, but eventually fear does lead to procrastination.
Emmy has always stuck by my side no matter where we go. At the park, at school, at her grandparent’s house she clings to me. I don't know what to do. —Jackie
Marty is afraid to go anywhere without me. He likes hanging out with his sister and grandparents. Yesterday when we were at the toy store we saw one of his friends from school. Marty was terrified to even say hello. He ran to hide behind me. I have to stay with him at preschool longer than the other mothers. —Anita
Olivia relies on her brother to do her talking for her and she is in 3rd grade now. I am afraid to separate them. If I keep them together I know it is not good for my son to take care of Olivia, who needs to learn to speak up. —Helene
Obviously, helping fearful gifted children to be more confident is extremely important to their development academically and socially. But fearful children present unique problems that are best dealt with in school settings where teachers and administrators are knowledgeable about how to bring out initiative. I always recommend a progressive and developmental school. When fearfulness intrudes on schooling, psychological interventions may be necessary.
The “I Can’t Do It” Child
This is the gifted kid who has learned to be helpless because the mother and father are over-identified with their child’s struggles. These parents confuse their issues with their child’s issues and let their child get away with being lazy and giving up.
Pablo likes me to help him with his school work. He won’t do any work on his own without some support from a tutor or teacher. He is falling behind even though he is extremely bright and capable of working on his own. The teacher thinks Pablo is lazy and that I am not involved enough in their day to day care. I have to work and I have a great nanny. —Donna
Matthew feels helpless in new situations. And he has to be sure that other children will play with him before we leave him for a play date. Sometimes he is so bossy and demanding that other children don’t want to follow his rules of playing. We keep trying to encourage playdates. —Alison
These mothers and fathers have realized, a little too late, that they need to have more realistic expectations for their children. The parents will need the support of teachers and therapists to help their child want to learn to be independent. Learned helplessness is different from “fear” because it is based on an established pattern of thought, which is more difficult to diffuse.
The “Uber” Independent Child
The uber-independent child is introverted and careful, a child who has few friends and can be very comfortable playing in the corner or on the sidelines. It is not unusual for this type of child to have problems being overwhelmed when in large groups. Because they can be sensitive to what others expect, they keep to themselves, even with adults. Jeannie shares her daughter’s issues, which are very similar to other uber-independent gifted kids.
Perfectionism and procrastination manifest in our daughter as anxiety. There is never enough time. And no matter the content, the result is never what she could really do. If she has four weeks to create a writing assignment she will wait till the last days. She says she is allowing the formulation in her mind to grow and that not a word can be typed until it is fully formed. There is always stress around the first print out. There has never been enough time to fully execute what she has imagined in its perfect and proper form. —Jeannie
Leslie has to get the answer of her own. We try to help her with her school work and even with cleaning up her bedroom, but she refuses to let us help her. No matter how anxious she is about what needs to be done, she knows that she is always the best at everything and that no one can help her. —Alison
The stubbornness of the independent gifted child is really hard to deal with no matter what secret strategies you employ or what enlightened experts you consult with. Driven and persistent in their inability to listen to others, this intense stubbornness is based on an unshakeable belief that the child is right about everything. Know-it-all behavior is so compelling that the independent gifted child is hard to reason with; often, these smart kids get into trouble with authority figures. While defiance is not the root of their problem to begin with, gradually, if this type of grandiosity is not dealt with at school and at home, it does turn into defiance and anti-social behavior.
Setting limits and following through with consequences for not getting work completed is essential. Labeling their procrastination and stubbornness is also a good tool to reduce their certainty in themselves.
The Dreamer
The dreamer is the child who is happy to be making up his personal solutions to projects he develops on his own based on imagination and creativity. The dreamer has difficulty getting his work completed on time or at all. Procrastination is entangled with intense curiosity. However, the dreamer is not as defiant as the uber-independent child. Reasoning with the dreamer can help him or her to become more based on a realistic sense of self.
My son Alan has perfect ideas—wild, creative ideas about how he would like to conceive a project. He can spend all of his time thinking, dreaming, and planning. None of his time is spent doing the project. In the end he has no time to implement any of his ideas or very few because he spent so much time thinking about what he wanted to do. —John
My daughter Eleanor is interested in black holes and that is all she wants to talk about. Elli dreams she will become an astronaut and go into outer space some day. —Kevin
Dreamers need to learn “time on task” in order to learn the basics of school and to develop their potential. Setting up a predictable structure for these children is usually enough to get them to do their school work. Making sure they stay on task is a necessity.
The Critic
This type of gifted child is critical of what is being given to him or her to work on. They don’t want to do their homework because it is dumb or not interesting or boring. Single-minded in their disdain for stupidity, parents have difficulty motivating them to do simple tasks and get them out of the way. This form of procrastination can infuriate parents and teachers alike. Consequences are necessary to get this behavior under control.
Jenny likes to procrastinate on school work that she feels is a waste of her time. She says that the work is too easy and she would rather be doing something else. —Brigette
Scarlett often feels insulted or offended by how easy her homework is, and easy homework makes her procrastinate. She would rather sit down and stare into space than do homework that she considers boring. —Betty
Procrastination based on criticism of the work that needs to be done can be confusing to parents and teachers. Mistakenly some parents agree with their child without thinking about how much power they are giving to their child. The critic is making himself the authority on what needs to be done. At the same time, they are trying to get out of doing what they fear they are not good at. There can be a great deal of confusion and manipulation and over-identification in this type of procrastination.
The Troublemaker
“Is my child deaf?” This type of child is a negative attention seeker. The troublemaker has felt ignored by his or her parents. And this parental question (“Is my child deaf?”) is usually a sign of a child who gets their own way by directly ignoring and enraging their parents. I have never meet a deaf child who is seeking negative attention. This subtle type of manipulation is not mean spirited. It is based on an emotional intensity that is sensitive to rejection. It is actually a way of getting negative attention from mom and dad, which seems better than just being ignored. Once this negative pattern of getting their own way begins to work for the child, this type of reaction is hard to stop. Negative attention seekers have difficulty with teachers and friends. Most likely they are not getting the love they need at home.
Angelina and I had a huge fight and Angie started swearing and screaming. In frustration I took a wash cloth and washed my daughter’s mouth out with soap.—Julie
Daisy does not like to eat dinner at the dinner table. Every night she makes a scene and is sent to her room. In her room alone she will tear up all of her homework and than come out and scream at her mother and me.—Jonathan
Sadie said that she could not sleep alone in her own bed. We tried everything but locking her door. Every night she would end up sleeping in our bedroom. This went on for years until she was sent away to sleep away camp, where she learned to sleep without us.—Friedrich
Children who use negative angry behavior to get their own way usually suffer from feelings of being unworthy of their parents’ love because they have been ignored. Psychotherapy to deal with issues of self-esteem are usually necessary to make this behavior diminish. School phobias and refusal to sleep alone are difficult issues to resolve quickly.
Attention Seekers
This type of procrastination is hard to figure out when it first starts as a way of self-expression.
Attention seekers learn that looking for attention in a dramatic and creative way is extremely rewarding. Their “show off” behavior can alienate peers and teachers. Parents may be more entertained by their child’s dramatic and creative adventures but gradually they tire of it, and see that it is a way of changing the direction of what needs to be accomplished.
Paul knew that he would get attention from his father if he wrote a story that was a part of his homework for next week. Paul loves to write out and tell stories that are long and detailed. As a way of getting attention he wrote up a pretend assignment to get his father’s attention. The teacher did not accept the story as a part of the homework assignment. —Erin
Dotty likes to procrastinate so that she gets attention from her parents. She does not like to make choices about what she wants to wear, or will try on multiple outfits. What to wear goes on and on, and she is only four. Dotty knows that we will intervene and help her pick out her clothes and get dressed, even though she is capable of doing this herself. —Brenda
Attention seekers have parents who are indecisive about what in is their child’s best interest and reinforce dramatic behavior when this dramatic behavior is inappropriate.