Barbara Klein, Ed.D.

1.  Try to develop your real authentic self-confidence as a parent based on knowledge and experience.

2.  Learn that making mistakes is inevitable and that rethinking plans will optimize your child’s healthy development.

3.  Model your mistake-making behavior so your son or daughter learns from you how to make mistakes and continue on with a project.
 
4.  Don’t spend time wishing your child were different and easier to handle.

5.  Don’t rely on grandparents, friends, teachers or other experts who are critical of you because they just don’t understand. Rather, find people who understand you and validate your point of view.

6.  Don’t long for a really calm, normal home life because you will just feel frustrated and miss the really special aspects of your child growing up.

7.  Enjoy the rocky road of parenthood when you can.

8.  Get used to your child’s argumentative, intense nature, and try and keep both of you under control, as you will both feel less overwhelmed and less hopeless.

9.  Remember, you are a gardener who has to know when your child needs water and when he or she has had enough.

10.  Find people in your life who embrace your journey and spend as much time as you can developing their friendships.

Summer is a great time for exploration—of friendships, the great outdoors, new ideas. I cannot imagine anything better for your child than a wonderful camp experience or swimming lessons or family travel.
    Self-confidence and interests in new friends and new activities will propel your child’s sense of self forward. New experiences lead to new ways of interacting with the world. Summer is the perfect time for these experiences. Your child will be ready for the pressure of school in August if he or she has a break now.

Start early with this writing project. From my work with children entering middle school, I have found that lots of time is needed to write—and rewrite. Gifted children can let their perfectionism get the better of them when writing about themselves. Don’t give up!
    Well thought out, well written applications give your child a better chance for acceptance. I can help you and your child with this chore.
    I also provide help with choosing the right school and testing, if necessary. Please call me at (310) 443-4182.

In 2012, I wrote Alone In The Mirror: Twins In Therapy. I have received so many many phone calls from twins who cannot seem to get along with one another as adults even though they are successful in their careers and have their own children and families. Huge screaming matches and personally antagonistic and hateful fights—sometimes even physical fights—are common. I have given these deeply troubling fights some thought and here is what I have come up with.   
    Adult twins fight with each other when they are not completely psychologically separated from one another. Saying this differently, adult twins still get confused about who is who. Well into adulthood, commonly they see themselves in the other twin and want their twin to be more like them.
    As an example, your twin brother or sister gains some weight. The less-weighty twin hates that their twin brother or sister has gotten bigger, because they still feel a part of their twin, who now does not fit into their sense of themselves. If twins don’t look the same—maybe they are no longer twins.
    In my own life, my twin sister was appalled when I became pregnant because I looked fat—and not like her. She found my difference from her very troubling in so many ways that she avoided being with me. Other twins who I have talked with share very similar experiences. As my sister and I got older and she had her own children, it was hard for both of us to not criticize the other’s parenting style. My sister was way more open-minded than I was, which created unspoken anger at one another.
    My examples follow into different situations and circumstances. Differences that can be enlivening and freeing for some twins can create anger and disappointment between some adult twins, who are in most cases high-functioning reasonable people.
    Fighting between twins is a sign of the blurring of boundaries, whether emotional or physical, that confuse the identity of each individual twin.
    I know this sounds confusing but if you are a twin you will probably understand. The best way to handle anger with your twin is to reflect on how you are different. Try to enjoy your twin for who they are. Avoid wishing your twin were different and that you were in charge of changing them.

By Jennifer de la Haye for the Institute for Educational Advancement

1. Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

2. Encyclopedia Brown series by Donald Sobol

3. Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh

4. Bartholomew and the Oobleck by Dr. Seuss

5. The Boxcar Children series created by Gertrude Chandler Warner

http://educationaladvancement.wordpress.com/2014/04/01/five-great-childrens-books-for-gifted-kids/

Asynchronous development is the definition of giftedness according to phenomenological psychologists. In other words, if you have a gifted child she or he will have asynchronous development—high abilities and lower abilities. The discrepancy in their abilities creates confusion about how to learn what does not come immediately. Because quick thinking is the rule for gifted kids, they become self-conscious and unsure about how to proceed when they need to learn something that is harder to learn. Precocious children face some situations at school without having strategies for problem-solving. They give up on a task if they don’t know how to do it immediately. Helping your child deal with non-immediate answer retrieval can be the biggest challenge the parent has. Incidentally, the brighter the child the greater the span of learning abilities, which gets worse as the child becomes older. Eventually avoidant behavior becomes a defense for not completing their work.
    Parents call me with two common questions that reflect asynchronous development. First, these parents ask, “Why does my son have all of the behavioral characteristics of a gifted child and yet he is not able to read?” Another recurring question is, “Why does my daughter, who is a strong reader, have so much difficulty going to school and playing with the other children.”
    My answer to parents’ questions is, “asynchronous development.” Maturity levels between an exceptional talent and social skills overlap at different rates and create learning problems that easily become fixed in place by the tidal wave of perfectionism. Here are some common examples of actual problems.
    Aidan, who is seven, is able to understand the abstract and intellectual issues of a ten-year-old. Emotionally his maturity is that of a five-year-old. The span between ten years and five years creates frustration for parents and teachers. Aidan gets easily discouraged and wants to run away from his classroom. He gets agitated and acts out his anger with other children on the playground. Aidan prefers to stay home. Teachers do not know how to contain Aidan’s anger.
    Marcy is only eight years old but she is able to read at a high school level. Her art projects are detailed and imaginative. She loves math. Marcy has a hard time going to school as she misses her mother and has difficulty making friends. Marcy chooses to stay in the library during recess and lunch.     
    Keep in mind that having highs and lows are both worthy of your attention. Let your child know you can help, no matter what the issue. Be positive about teaching your child to solve his learning challenges as he will give up if you give up.

I hear stories all of the time from parents about how hard it is to get their young children’s teeth brushed and to get them into bed. The reading ritual can get out of control, and your “darling” child can manipulate you to stay in their room just a little bit longer. This behavior is the forerunner to avoidant behavior and procrastination. Actually, procrastination is a red flag that the gifted child is having emotional issues with perfectionism, school work or whatever else he or she is avoiding, such as fitting in socially. The longer and more embedded the problem with avoidance becomes, the more serious an issue it can be for the advancement of education and emotional well-being. As well, social and school frustration can lead to despair and clinical depression.
    Procrastination is a way of protecting the child from feeling incomplete or damaged—imperfect. While this defensive behavior is not necessarily a conscious decision, the behavior is carried through with great vigor and determination. This incredibly frustrating behavior is based on anxiety and fear, and will look different in different situations. Here are some pattens of procrastination that I have heard of while consulting with parents of gifted children. Some children manifest one or two forms of procrastination. Others, at one time or another, manifest all forms of procrastination.

The Fearful Child
    While all gifted children are highly sensitive to separation from their families, the fearful child has greater difficulty getting involved with other children and new environments. Both boys and girls can have deep fears that keep them from being developmentally independent. Their extreme attachment to their parents and siblings keeps the child from developing appropriate social skills. It is hard to know when their fearfulness becomes avoidance and procrastination, but eventually fear does lead to procrastination.
    Emmy has always stuck by my side no matter where we go. At the park, at school, at her grandparent’s house she clings to me. I don't know what to do. —Jackie
     Marty is afraid to go anywhere without me. He likes hanging out with his sister and grandparents. Yesterday when we were at the toy store we saw one of his friends from school. Marty was terrified to even say hello. He ran to hide behind me. I have to stay with him at preschool longer than the other mothers. —Anita
    Olivia relies on her brother to do her talking for her and she is in 3rd grade now. I am afraid to separate them. If I keep them together I know it is not good for my son to take care of Olivia, who needs to learn to speak up. —Helene
    Obviously, helping fearful gifted children to be more confident is extremely important to their development academically and socially. But fearful children present unique problems that are best dealt with in school settings where teachers and administrators are knowledgeable about how to bring out initiative. I always recommend a progressive and developmental school. When fearfulness intrudes on schooling, psychological interventions may be necessary.

The “I Can’t Do It” Child
    This is the gifted kid who has learned to be helpless because the mother and father are over-identified with their child’s struggles. These parents confuse their issues with their child’s issues and let their child get away with being lazy and giving up.
    Pablo likes me to help him with his school work. He won’t do any work on his own without some support from a tutor or teacher. He is falling behind even though he is extremely bright and capable of working on his own. The teacher thinks Pablo is lazy and that I am not involved enough in their day to day care. I have to work and I have a great nanny. —Donna
    Matthew feels helpless in new situations. And he has to be sure that other children will play with him before we leave him for a play date. Sometimes he is so bossy and demanding that other children don’t want to follow his rules of playing. We keep trying to encourage playdates. —Alison
    These mothers and fathers have realized, a little too late, that they need to have more realistic expectations for their children. The parents will need the support of teachers and therapists to help their child want to learn to be independent. Learned helplessness is different from “fear” because it is based on an established pattern of thought, which is more difficult to diffuse.
 
The “Uber” Independent Child
    The uber-independent child is introverted and careful, a child who has few friends and can be very comfortable playing in the corner or on the sidelines. It is not unusual for this type of child to have problems being overwhelmed when in large groups. Because they can be sensitive to what others expect, they keep to themselves, even with adults. Jeannie shares her daughter’s issues, which are very similar to other uber-independent gifted kids.
     Perfectionism and procrastination manifest in our daughter as anxiety. There is never enough time. And no matter the content, the result is never what she could really do. If she has four weeks to create a writing assignment she will wait till the last days. She says she is allowing the formulation in her mind to grow and that not a word can be typed until it is fully formed. There is always stress around the first print out. There has never been enough time to fully execute what she has imagined in its perfect and proper form. —Jeannie
    Leslie has to get the answer of her own. We try to help her with her school work and even with cleaning up her bedroom, but she refuses to let us help her. No matter how anxious she is about what needs to be done, she knows that she is always the best at everything and that no one can help her.  —Alison
    The stubbornness of the independent gifted child is really hard to deal with no matter what secret strategies you employ or what enlightened experts you consult with. Driven and persistent in their inability to listen to others, this intense stubbornness is based on an unshakeable belief that the child is right about everything. Know-it-all behavior is so compelling that the independent gifted child is hard to reason with; often, these smart kids get into trouble with authority figures. While defiance is not the root of their problem to begin with, gradually, if this type of grandiosity is not dealt with at school and at home, it does turn into defiance and anti-social behavior.
    Setting limits and following through with consequences for not getting work completed is essential. Labeling their procrastination and stubbornness is also a good tool to reduce their certainty in themselves.

The Dreamer
    The dreamer is the child who is happy to be making up his personal solutions to projects he develops on his own based on imagination and creativity. The dreamer has difficulty getting his work completed on time or at all. Procrastination is entangled with intense curiosity. However, the dreamer is not as defiant as the uber-independent child. Reasoning with the dreamer can help him or her to become more based on a realistic sense of self.
    My son Alan has perfect ideas—wild, creative ideas about how he would like to conceive a project. He can spend all of his time thinking, dreaming, and planning. None of his time is spent doing the project. In the end he has no time to implement any of his ideas or very few because he spent so much time thinking about what he wanted to do. —John
    My daughter Eleanor is interested in black holes and that is all she wants to talk about. Elli dreams she will become an astronaut and go into outer space some day. —Kevin
    Dreamers need to learn “time on task” in order to learn the basics of school and to develop their potential. Setting up a predictable structure for these children is usually enough to get them to do their school work. Making sure they stay on task is a necessity.

The Critic
     This type of gifted child is critical of what is being given to him or her to work on. They don’t want to do their homework because it is dumb or not interesting or boring. Single-minded in their disdain for stupidity, parents have difficulty motivating them to do simple tasks and get them out of the way. This form of procrastination can infuriate parents and teachers alike. Consequences are necessary to get this behavior under control.
    Jenny likes to procrastinate on school work that she feels is a waste of her time. She says that the work is too easy and she would rather be doing something else. —Brigette
    Scarlett often feels insulted or offended by how easy her homework is, and easy homework makes her procrastinate. She would rather sit down and stare into space than do homework that she considers boring. —Betty
    Procrastination based on criticism of the work that needs to be done can be confusing to parents and teachers. Mistakenly some parents agree with their child without thinking about how much power they are giving to their child. The critic is making himself the authority on what needs to be done. At the same time, they are trying to get out of doing what they fear they are not good at. There can be a great deal of confusion and manipulation and over-identification in this type of procrastination.

 The Troublemaker
    “Is my child deaf?” This type of child is a negative attention seeker. The troublemaker has felt ignored by his or her parents. And this parental question (“Is my child deaf?”) is usually a sign of a child who gets their own way by directly ignoring and enraging their parents. I have never meet a deaf child who is seeking negative attention. This subtle type of manipulation is not mean spirited. It is based on an emotional intensity that is sensitive to rejection. It is actually a way of getting negative attention from mom and dad, which seems better than just being ignored. Once this negative pattern of getting their own way begins to work for the child, this type of reaction is hard to stop. Negative attention seekers have difficulty with teachers and friends. Most likely they are not getting the love they need at home.
    Angelina and I had a huge fight and Angie started swearing and screaming. In frustration I took a wash cloth and washed my daughter’s mouth out with soap.—Julie
    Daisy does not like to eat dinner at the dinner table. Every night she makes a scene and is sent to her room. In her room alone she will tear up all of her homework and than come out and scream at her mother and me.—Jonathan
    Sadie said that she could not sleep alone in her own bed. We tried everything but locking her door. Every night she would end up sleeping in our bedroom. This went on for years until she was sent away to sleep away camp, where she learned to sleep without us.—Friedrich
    Children who use negative angry behavior to get their own way usually suffer from feelings of being unworthy of their parents’ love because they have been ignored. Psychotherapy to deal with issues of self-esteem are usually necessary to make this behavior diminish. School phobias and refusal to sleep alone are difficult issues to resolve quickly.
 
Attention Seekers
    This type of procrastination is hard to figure out when it first starts as a way of self-expression.
Attention seekers learn that looking for attention in a dramatic and creative way is extremely rewarding. Their “show off” behavior can alienate peers and teachers. Parents may be more entertained by their child’s dramatic and creative adventures but gradually they tire of it, and see that it is a way of changing the direction of what needs to be accomplished.
    Paul knew that he would get attention from his father if he wrote a story that was a part of his homework for next week. Paul loves to write out and tell stories that are long and detailed. As a way of getting attention he wrote up a pretend assignment to get his father’s attention. The teacher did not accept the story as a part of the homework assignment. —Erin
    Dotty likes to procrastinate so that she gets attention from her parents. She does not like to make choices about what she wants to wear, or will try on multiple outfits. What to wear goes on and on, and she is only four. Dotty knows that we will intervene and help her pick out her clothes and get dressed, even though she is capable of doing this herself. —Brenda
    Attention seekers have parents who are indecisive about what in is their child’s best interest and reinforce dramatic behavior when this dramatic behavior is inappropriate.

I will be speaking at the Anaheim Marriott on Sunday at 1:30 pm for the annual convention of the California Association for the Gifted. My topic is: "How Perfectionism Undermines Persistence."

http://www.cagifted.org/events/event_details.asp?id=344299

http://drbarbaraklein.squarespace.com/how-perfectionism-undermines-p/

    Learning to deal with the emotional intensity of a smart and talented child or adolescent takes a lot of energy, time, patience, and understanding. Eventually, parents learn to accept their son or daughter’s emotional quirkiness. Parents, teachers, and therapists need to keep in mind that cognitive strength and cognitive complexity gives rise to emotional depth and profound feelings that the child or adolescent needs to express, or rather, is compelled to talk about in detail. In other words, smart children who have high IQs or creative talents not only think differently—more quickly and profoundly—but their feeling states have a more vivid and encompassing quality of intensity that needs to be expressed and listened to. For example, when your preschooler says goodbye to you, she behaves like she is falling apart because she imagines that you will never return. But your child will calm down. Or when a young gifted child sees a homeless person, he feels and thinks that he needs to save the homeless person or solve the problem of homelessness. You need to explain that homelessness is not a problem that children can solve.
    From reading and watching movies about race horses, I liken the parenting process of raising a gifted kid to training a high strung race horse. And I say this because, as smart and as precocious your kids are, is unfortunately or fortunately (depending on your state of mind) as intense as they may become in any given situation that triggers emotional confusion and stress. The stallion needs a horse whisperer and the gifted chid needs a parent whisperer. Calming down and refocusing the emotionally intense child is a serious challenge. It is truly a steep learning curve that parents have to navigate as they try to give their son or daughter the tools they will need to reach their potential. There is no one-size-fits-all direction that all parents can follow at all times. But, in general, alongside calmness and structure at home, appropriate schooling and socialization are obviously crucial tools. Without a doubt I can say it is not as easy for parents of gifted kids to find a school and social match as it is for the neighbor’s children, who have an easier time fitting in.
    While the intensity of a spirited smart child is common and predictable, the degree of his or her emotional reactivity can be confusing to parents, teachers, and specialists. In desperation to end the confusion about emotional reactivity, this gifted problem is often misunderstood and mislabeled with a psychiatric diagnosis. Books and internet articles are written on the differences between gifted children, autistic spectrum disorder, and attention deficit disorder because children who have intense feelings are singled out as having difficult-to-handle emotional and behavioral problems. Social-emotional and learning issues of gifted children are very different from issues of children with autism or hyperactivity. Correct diagnostic labels are critical because they prescribe the school and home environment that best fits the child’s special learning needs. For example, boredom in smart children who are perfectionistic will lead to underachievement. Most people do not understand that boredom in gifted kids is common when they are not in the right school environment. Teachers and administrators very often misunderstand underachievement as “this child is just not as smart as his parents think.” As well, difficulty making friends and getting bullied—socialization issues—are very very common but evolve out of feeling misunderstood by peers, not developmental delays related to autistic spectrum disorder.
    The spirited child’s sensitivity to people and events around them can be alarming to the uninformed and uneducated teacher, caregiver, grandparent or any other person who gets a glimpse of their intense feelings and “over the top behavior.” The smart and spirited kid’s behavior and mood is often called over-reactive and lacking in perspective because of the depth of feelings that are manifested for a simple situation. “Harry, you need to brush your teeth now,” can become an opportunity for war with his parents if Harry does not want to stop what he is doing. Likewise, “Jack, you need to complete your school work,” can become a totally nonsensical position for a parent to request if the child finds homework boring or meaningless. “Sofia, let’s turn out the lights and go to bed,” is an impossible simple task if Sofia suffers from intense separation anxiety and truly believes that she cannot be alone.
    And to make matters worse and more confusing for parents of the quick and astute child, the child sometimes actually knows when he is creating problems, stops misbehaving, and helps out his mom or dad. Temporarily, the child’s reasonable and empathic behavior allows the parent to feel relieved and happy. The exhausted and frustrated parent has a glimmer of hope and thinks that her child is not a manipulative tyrant. Harry decides he can brush his teeth. Jack gets started on his homework. Sofia goes to sleep in her own room. The roller coaster is on the level part of the track. But quickly the child forgets to be empathic to her parents and reverts back to her original position wanting her own way. Graceful behavior goes by the wayside. And tyrannical attitudes take over again.